Marriage is also about supporting each other’s life ambitions.

On a whim, Ginger and I posted this list of goals on our fridge months ago. 1) “Wasabi gets her MBA.” Last month, I celebrated finishing up grad school. It was a long three+ years of work in the making. While I was getting ready for graduation, Ginger cracked a bottle of champagne and handed me a mimosa. It made me think about how far we have come since toasting our college graduation. Back then, we didn’t have jobs. We didn’t know where our first apartment would be. I had taken the GMAT but had no idea what school I would end up at. We just knew that we were embarking on something together. Four years later, we have made a home in New Orleans. Ginger has held my hand through applying to Business school. She built up my confidence when I needed it. She celebrated my successes, and had lovely dinners ready when I got home late.  Together, we forged through this last semester somehow, with each of us working full time and in class or studying every night. We made it through together.

Next on the list, her school stuff. This year, I will be returning to my housewife duties while I support her through post bac classes and school applications, like she did for me. Then, we will move (after the wedding) to wherever her studies take us (hopefully, somewhere with lots of snow and mountains).

Finally, “get married.” Getting married isn’t just about party planning. Though, that part is a lot of fun. It’s also about meetings with my Rabbi on conversion, and making family traditions together. It’s about talking through our future goals and making a five year financial plan. More than anything else, it’s about setting out to manifest our goals and dreams as a unit, the two of us against the world. So, I guess you could say our fridge says a lot about the kind of marriage we are planning- where the support we get from one another makes us bolder and better.

While the wedding is only a few days away, I’ve been a wife for 17 months already.  The question I have spent a lot of time answering lately, posed by myself and others, has been ”Why have a wedding if you’re already married?” -  so the question of “Why marriage?” hasn’t been knocking around my brain for a while.  But the question of “Why marriage?” was one that I spent a lot of time pondering, even before I was set to be married.

Back before I was a part of a marriage, I devoted my academic studies to marriage and the queer identity.  I wrote my graduate thesis on the topic of how queer identity is influenced by the “performance” of contemporary interpretations of wedding traditions and the legal, social, and economic factors of marriage and the wedding industry.  *Insert snyde academic remark about the social construction of “love” and the perils of heteronormative sterilization of queer identity here.* (For the record, I was very much in favour of marriage and saw it as having a great deal of positive potential for shaping the future of queer community-building… but anyway…)

So, it’s all well and good to sit back and “problematize” an institution from a distance, but then you fall in love with someone from another country but want live in the same place and be their emergency contact number and make squishy little babies with them and fall asleep next to them every night and walk through the world knowing that your partnership is respected and protected.  And that’s when it gets a lot more REAL.  Then you sign documents and repeat vows in front of an officiant and then go home and look at each other and can’t say anything except “We’re married!?!?” for a week straight it’s a lot more REAL.  And for every happy moment I get to share with my best friend, there is something somewhere in the back of my head that is thinking “I can’t believe I get to do this forever!  Awesome!” .  And for every little spat, and even the bigger arguments, there is no out, there’s nowhere to go, there are no games to play – I have pledged to work through everything that comes up.  We have bound our lives together; I have given myself over to a commitment to be a full partner to another human being, to be responsible to them, and to fully integrate them into the building of my future.  That is REAL.

So while I still keep a critical eye on how our queer marriage exists in this society, and how gender roles play into our partnership, and how our queer identities evolve as we engage in the marriage paradigm, and how we struggle with the personal and public aspects of our queer existence in a heteronormative institution, and all the other blah blah blah that comes with being who we are… it’s the REAL stuff of our marriage that fills my heart and my head every minute of every day.  In the place of deep, deep love that is the foundation of our marriage, there is no room for cynicism or the distance I once tried to put between myself and anything sentimental.  This has been the first, of what will be many, lessons learned by me in my marriage and is but one of the multitude of ways in which my marriage is making me a better person.

Let’s start with one of my favorite terms, the “Boston marriage.” Back then, ladies committed to other ladies and worked towards a future of equality, though the relationships weren’t always sexual. But with the word “marriage” in the title, it’s a safe bet that it was sometimes. With a form of same-sex marriage named after one of its cities, it’s no surprise that Massachusetts was the first state in this country to allow legal same-sex marriage.

According to the Advocate, “the first marriage in the nation designed to legally bind two persons of the same sex” was between Neva Heckman and Judith Belew on June 12, 1970. There are many other milestones in the next 30 years, but things really start to pick up steam for the LGBT-marriage movement in the beginning of the 21st century.
In the year 2000, Vermont becomes the first state to offer civil unions as a way for same-sex couples to pledge their commitment to each other, and in 2009, the state took the next step and approved same-sex marriage. The following year, the Netherlands became the first country to give same-sex couples all the rights afforded to heterosexual married couples.

Same-sex marriage was legalized in Connecticut in 2008, Iowa in 2009, and New Hampshire in 2010. It is recognized and performed nationwide in seven countries – Belgium, Canada, the Netherlands, Norway, South Africa, Spain, and Sweden. Dozens of other countries and cities perform and recognize civil unions.

Looking back on the history of same-sex marriage, we’ve come a long way. Gay couples no longer have to live in secret, with one of them living as the opposite sex in order to gain approval from the community. But for every Neva Heckman, there’s a Fred Phelps. For each LGBT and LGBT-supportive person, there’s someone who calls our lifestyle deviant and says that we should not be afforded the same rights as heterosexual couples. Even though we are closer than we ever have been to marriage equality, what that amounts to is a mere 10% of the country allowing same-sex marriage.

So You’re EnGAYged is a wonderful resource for enGAYged couples, but what we as a community have to remember is though the wedding is important, the marriage is even more so. Each time a couple pledges commitment in front of friends and family (and God, if that’s what you believe), we’re taking an important step in the right direction. But it’s by living through example in a marriage that will help the world realize that we’re not so different from other couples.

It’s easy to get caught up in the wedding planning — the favors, the invites, the food, the reception — but through it all, it’s important to keep in mind that the wedding is only one day. The marriage is what our LGBT predecessors fought so strongly for. Let’s honor them and each other by living each day of our lives with the goal of not just a fabulous wedding, but a strong marriage.

Hello Supporters & Allies, Critics and Sign-holders… Dear People Against Gay Marriage and People Against Marriage… How’s it going, Peanut Gallery and the Preached-to-Choir,

I’d like you to meet my wife.

Her name is Alex, short for Alexandra, previously known as ‘Topsey.’ She is 5’2″ with eyes of brown that squint up real tight when she smiles. Roughly 99% of the time, she orders a mocha from a coffee shop; the other 1% of the time, we are in California and she orders Iced Tea instead. She became my wife, my civil partner, on 17th April 2010. She is the medic and I am the writer. She loves to read and I think the Blue Whale is the most amazing creature on earth. Sometimes I tell her she has whale’s eyes, cause hers are so soft and compassionate, but she doesn’t really like that all too much… In case that wasn’t reason enough to fall in love with her (and for those of you that can’t hear her laugh or watch her smile, I can understand there might be some disconnect), let me explain why I married her.

Reason #1: We like to be practical.

I don’t know about you, but I like to live in the same country as the person with whom I’m in love. I also like to share a flat and a bedroom with her and, sometime in the future, I’d like to share a mortgage with her as well. Alex and I also want a family with little children running round and maybe a small dog or black cat and we’d like to ensure that each of us, together, can protect and support our family, however we might come together. It is also pretty radical, if you’re still reading this dear people, that if she gets sick, I can hold her hand in the hospital, and if I pass away, she will be given all that was mine. They may seem like small things to ask for in life on this internet page, but I have been told–and done extensive research–that being married helps obtain these things more easily.

Reason #2: Sometimes you can’t always be practical.

This reasoning is often the domain of the poet–’I love you this way because I know no other way of loving’ (Pablo Neruda) and ‘No vows written to wed you,/I write them white,/my lips on yours,/light in the soft hours of our married years.’ (Carol Ann Duffy)–and being a poet, I could dwell here for hours. I won’t now, that would never do for a blog–but, remember my wife? She wraps her arms around me when I’m cranky or sad and says, ‘Let me love you.’ She understands the need to have maple syrup, peanut butter and soya milk in our cupboards at all times. If only you could meet her, if you could see us together, I think then maybe you would understand instantly. Maybe. Well then, have you ever written your own vows, or spoken about marriage in the same breath as courage and love and faith? Have you ever picked out a ring to wear on your left-hand and as you were looking at the myriad choices thought, ‘I want this to remind me of *insert wedding date here* and know in my heart I was true?’ Has your family ever stood around you and told you, whether it was spoken or not: today, we love you; today, we uphold you as one; today, we say you are married and we couldn’t be more excited? Well then, maybe you’re getting closer…

Reason #3: Commitment rocks.

I’ve never been one for affairs or cheating. A one-woman-woman we both are, but allow me to let you in on a secret I’ve discovered in the last few weeks: being married doesn’t just mean I can’t be with somebody else–physically, emotionally, whatever–I realized, in the very core of me now, how much I don’t want to be with anyone else but her. And that, my friends, no matter which way you spin it, is so much cooler. Bring on the tattoo over my heart, I say.

Reason #4: Love.

If you type the word ‘love’ into iTunes, the search results give you 200 songs. If you search for books on Amazon with the word ‘love,’ they provide you with 219,828 titles to choose from. If you Google ‘love,’ there are 1,300,000,000 pages you can browse across the internet. And if you could see the way I look at my wife, you would know instantly that the first word that came from lips the morning after we first kissed was ‘love.’ End of story. Period. Y punto. I married her because I love her. She married me because she loves me.

Why marriage? Meet my wife.

Yours sincerely,

Erica, wife

Photo by Cornish Wedding Photography

However, with all the information flying around there, you’re bound to occasionally learn something you wish you hadn’t about a friend or family member (and I’m not even referring to the health conditions that some people apparently feel are worth a status update).  I recently learned that someone I’ve known since childhood is against gay marriage, and I’ve been really wrestling with how to address the subject ever since that dastardly little tidbit popped up in my News Feed.

Even though this person isn’t someone that I regularly see, and so I’m not exceedingly hurt by their position, I definitely believe on many levels that it’s my responsibility to say something.  First of all, I consider being GLBT something to celebrate, and I believe we should always speak our truths.  Secondly, I think that the only real way people who discriminate against us will ever change their minds is through personal contact, and as such I choose to be an ambassador for the GLBT community if the opportunity comes up.  It gets harder to discriminate against an entire section of the population if that section is made up of faces and names, especially faces and names that are familiar and well-liked.

So, what to say to this person, and when, and how?  I know that they’re much more likely to be receptive to my message if I keep it private, so I’m resisting the temptation to comment on the post that alerted me to their position, instead choosing to send an email or a private message.  Since it’s been about four days, enough of my initial anger has evaporated that I think I can strike the appropriate tone: a gentle but direct statement that expresses both my disappointment and my hope for change.

We all have different opinions on how to deal with this particular issue, I’m sure, but I feel confident of one thing: all of us (and our lovely allies)  never waver in describing our engagements and our marriages as the amazing, life-changing blessings that they are…  and just knowing that’s the case helps renew my faith that the truth of the matter will come around one day.

First of all, the Bible only talks about homosexual relations in terms of sex outside of a marriage or committed relationship…which it always says is wrong. The Bible never speaks (explicitly, anyway) about sex between a loving, committed gay couple. So with that in mind, in my opinion, that the broad argument of “the Bible says it’s wrong” doesn’t have any validity.

Second, let’s look at the “explicitly” comment I made above. Some biblical scholars say that there are loving, committed relationships in the Bible, and because of thousands of years of translations and mistranslations, among other things, they aren’t explicit. One of the readings I plan to have at our wedding, Ruth 1:16-17, references one of them.

“Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me.”

This is a pronouncement from Ruth to her mother-in-law, Naomi. In this male-dominated Old Testament society, that’s a pretty big deal. Other examples of possible same-sex relationships are King David and both Jonathan and King Saul and Jesus saving a young man who may or may not have been his centurion owner’s lover. Now, I’m not saying that these are concrete examples of rainbow flags in the Bible. I’m just saying that we don’t know.

A typical argument against homosexuality is the story of Sodom and Gomorrah. I’m going to hazard a guess that most people who use that argument haven’t actually ever read the story of Sodom and Gomorrah. There’s a whole lot of other stuff going on in that story, not the least of which is the “good guy” of the story, Lot, offering his two virgin daughters to the men of Sodom. Yep, the Sodomites wanted to see the two strangers that Lot was harboring, and he says if they leave these two strangers alone, they can have his two daughters. Nice. Anyway, some biblical scholars say that this story is actually about the Sodomites being unfriendly and inhospitable to two strangers, not them wanting to get Biblical with them. Don’t believe me? Read it yourself and draw your own conclusions – Genesis 19:1-11.

Finally, let’s talk about Jesus. Jesus was all about love. Loving everyone, in fact, no matter who you were. He was known to frequent the company of tax collectors and prostitutes, the dregs of his society. He didn’t care. In addition to loving God, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” That’s it. No hate. No fear. Just love.

I personally think the Bible has a lot of wonderful things to say about how a person should (and shouldn’t) live his or her life, but unfortunately, the message in some cases became polluted along the way.  And don’t get me wrong – I’m no expert. This is what I believe to be true for me.

If you’ve made it this far and want to know more, I highly recommend Daniel A. Helminiak’s book “What the Bible Really Says about Homosexuality.”

Also, So You’re EnGAYged wants to recommend “The Good Book” by Peter Gomes.

Throughout the wedding planning process I’ve gotten tons of support from my family and friends.  Almost everyone I tell about the wedding is excited for me, and excited in exactly the same way as they would be if I were marrying a man—they ask about colors, flowers, location.  They want to know what my dress looks like and if I need help decorating for the reception.  All of this is very reassuring to me.  Even the friends who are very religious or live in conservative parts of the country respond this way, and it reminds me to give people a chance and not to judge them (after all, who is the judgmental one if I’m prefacing their introduction by saying they’re religious?).

One exception to this has been my grandparents.  The last time Lynn and I went to their house we got almost all the way through a very pleasant lunch before my grandmother put down her fork, looked at me and said, ‘why are you doing this? Why are you having this fake wedding?’  We explained our reasons and had a good conversation and in the end she and my grandfather said that they love me and will support me no matter what I do, and that if they’re still invited to the wedding (they are) they’ll be happy to attend despite their misgivings.

The other exception has been a friend of mine who considers herself to be a radical queer.  She thinks that anyone who is worrying about gay marriage as a priority has too much privilege and that we should all be working to take down marriage as an institution.  As the wedding gets closer I’m finding it more and more difficult to negotiate our friendship.  I don’t look down on her for how she lives her life—although her choices are far less mainstream than the way my house/wife/dogs/dinner parties lifestyle I can see how they work and make her happy, so I’m happy for her.  But it is difficult to feel like I’m swimming upstream against a tide of right-wing crazies who hate me on principle only to find that even other members of my own little demographic subset think I’m doing something wrong.

What makes me feel better about all of this is the belief that most people are in the middle. Most of my LGBT friends (whether they themselves are interested in getting married or not) are supportive of our desire to have a girlie fluffy wedding day.  My straight friends treat me the same way I treated them when they got engaged.  But the ones that give me the most hope are the ones who have nothing in particular to gain from supporting us—all of Lynn’s cousins who have welcomed me into their lives with open arms, the family friends who offer to style our hair or arrange flowers, and my friends’ parents who charmingly invite themselves to the wedding (this has happened twice now, and I’m happy to oblige.  And thrilled that in addition to friends I’ve known since childhood my wedding will also be celebrated by many of the adults who supervised those late-night pillow fights and disastrous cooking adventures).

Which brings me to Maine.  While I’m very sad that our rights have been put to a vote (think how well that would have gone down for any other minority at any point in history. Probably not so hot, huh?), I am amazed at the numbers.  FORTY SEVEN PERCENT of Maine voters support us.  And most of them are the people who have no real reason for that other than that they believe it is the right thing to do.  Almost half of voters in a state that hasn’t performed any legal gay weddings think that gay people should be able to marry.  Which makes me think that if more people had seen a gay wedding or a same-sex married couple, maybe the numbers would be even higher.

So we’ll have a gay wedding, and invite all of those friends’ parents who ask when to book their flights.  My grandparents will get to see a lesbian wedding as heart-felt and valid as their own.  My radical friend will have to expand her mind a little to make room for my family, as I make room for hers.  And my hope is that all of this will lead all of our guests to vote for gay rights in the future, and for equality for everyone–gay, straight or otherwise.