So You're EnGAYged, a LGBT wedding blog

Now to the best part of the wedding day: The PARTY!    Of course, we know very well how to do that!  Our friends and family are not shy when it comes to having a good time and that is just fine by us.   At that point in the evening, there was nothing left to worry about, so we got right down to business.   We did our first dance after dinner, rather than before.  Given that our space was a little broken up, we wanted to draw people back into the dance room.  Our first dance song was “Someone Like You” by Linda Eder from the musical Jekyll and Hyde.  Of course, we are that gay!  Also, our DJ, from Piper’s Entertainment, was very good!  He played the songs we wanted to hear and really understood our crowd.  We gave him the following directions, which I think he ran with and it worked well ” You know the gays, they like to sing along.”

There was various points during the night that I was overwhelmed with the totality of the day, particularly when we were doing traditional things that we have watched at every wedding.  From our entrance into the reception (which was insane; to walk down the stairs and see so many screaming people all taking pictures…we now understand how the celebs feel…well, understand better) to our first dance.  There is something that is all consuming about these moments that we could not fully experience it until it is all done and we revisited it in pictures and videos.

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

After our first dance, we had our mom and son dance.  Dave danced to “Baby Mine” from Dumbo sung by Bette Midler.  There was not a dry eye in the house.  I love this picture of Dave and his mom, it really does capture well the tenderness of the moment.

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

I, of course, could not do just one song with my mom, so I did a mash up of “Puff the Magic Dragon”, which was my lullaby song when I was a kid and “In the Mood” by Glenn Miller.   The latter song is a staple at any of our family weddings, and when I was a kid I used to always do the Lindy with my mom to this song, so it was fitting.  She did not know about either song and was very surprised.

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

This is one of my favorite shots from the wedding, I think it is while Dave and I are dancing.  There is just something about it.  We had told the photographer that we wanted her to have a photo-journalistic eye when taking pictures, and I think she hit the mark here.

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

Okay so this has to be the cutest picture of my nephew Jack.  He is such a sweet kid.  When we were home over the summer he asked “Uncle Michael, who are you marrying?” and I said “Dave” to which he replied “Yessssss!!” with the same level of jubilation as a kid on Christmas morning at the unwrapping of a long sought after gift.

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

In the next blog I am going to talk about all the little details of the day, from our table markers, to our DIY photo booth, candy bar and everything else in between.

In my last post I talked about getting ready, in this blog, as so indicated by the name,  I will talk about our ceremony.  I would like to back up just a bit and revisit our planning of the ceremony.  As I have talked about before and before, we had structured our ceremony in a particular way before the legalization of same-sex marriage, so there was a little last minute changing of process when we had to find a judge to preform the ceremony.  We had thought about not doing this, about getting married before or after our planned wedding, much like we planned to do before the passage of Marriage Equality.  We are so glad we did not do this!  It defiantly felt cool when the judge said “by the power, finally, invested in me…”

When Dave and I sat down with the judge– who was very cool, and said “this is my first gay wedding” to which we said “ours too!”  — we told him that he did not need to spend a lot of time up there because most the ceremony has been planned, he just needs to do what he needs to do to make it legal.  But we did tell him that we wanted some sayings that are common at weddings.  This may seem perfunctory, but that is not bad sometimes.  It reminded people, if anyone needed reminding, that this wedding was just as legitimate as any other.  As one of our friend’s husband remarked “I wish people that do not agree with same-sex marriage could be here today to see this!” And while we loved the words of our friend Urvish, this “add-on” as I kept referring to it as, did add more depth to the ceremony.  Speaking of Urvish, we cannot fully thank him, nor explain how amazing it was for him to perform the ceremony for us.  He is, beyond handsome, one of the smartest people we know.  Anyone watching from afar would think he was an old hat at this, but he wasn’t, but as usual, was graceful.   Again, our wedding planner Kate did such a nice job with staging the ceremony space; we especially love the wickers balls (insert whatever joke is appropriate here).

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

 Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

So we were fortunate enough to have our hotel room overlook the ceremony space, so we got to watch as everyone started to file in.  It was great to see people that we have not seen in a while, and get excited about spending some time with them.  We may or may not have been caught doing this.

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

So, to the sappy part of the day, Dave decided to sing me a song, “Come What May”, but he figured, from the start, that he would not be able to finish it, so he had our friend Phil serve as back up.  Dave was able to sing….the first verse, than slowly fell into his tears…Phil of course took over with no issue!

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

One of the other special parts of our ceremony was our friend Jackie Micieli-Voutsinas, one half of our lesbian duo, who sang before our wedding, sang “Marry Me” as we walked own the aisle, and also sang “What More Can I Say” during the ceremony.  She is by far one of the most talented musicians I know, she can sing, play: piano, guitar, mandolin among many other instruments.  She is also pretty damn hot, as seen below and, ahem, getting her Ph.D. at Syracuse University, and just became a mommy!

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

Between the singing, which was important for us, we each had two friends do readings for us, we asked them to pick out whatever reading made them think of love and/or marriage.  They all were touching and showed that our friends took the time to find readings the were both meaningful and specific.  We also asked my neighbor from when I was a kid to do a reading from the bible. It was important to us to nod to our past, as we both grew up somewhat religious , and she picked such a great reading from the bible!

We also did a hand-fasting ceremony, which is an ancient Celtic tradition.  We really loved this part of the ceremony  because it was unique to us, and many people remarked on how special it was.   Also, the ribbon is kinda cool, right?  Go Jo-Ann Fabrics!!

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

And then, the big moment, the “We Dos”.  This was an amazing part the the experience, as I mentioned earlier.  It was also exciting to think about getting our drink on!

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

Wow, I can’t believe that I am writing my post-wedding blog!!  What a wonderful time it was.  No matter how much planning went into the day, we both were not prepared for the amount of love shown us from our family and friends.  I got some great advice from an old friend who said to take a moment and look around and take it all in.  I can’t fully explain how that felt, but there was a sense that we were part of something beautiful.  I vividly remember during dinner looking up and seeing everyone laughing and having a good time.  It made us very proud to have created the space for that to happen.   As I have mentioned both of our families have had a tough go of it this year, with sickness, loss, family drama, but for at least one day we were all able to gather in one place and take a collective exhale.

Over the next several blog posts I’ll walk you through the various parts of the wedding, and then some honeymoon pics.

I first want to note that getting ready while someone is snapping pictures is kind of a surreal experience.  I felt like every time I went to do anything I had to check first with the photographer…thankfully we both watch Tyra enough to know how to catch the light!

I had gone back and forth about getting Dave a wedding gift, money was tight, but I wanted to do something, so after conversations  with our wedding planner Kate, from Lovewell Celebration Design, I decided to get him cuff links that I found on Etsy…he loved them! And I loved watching him open the box…even if he did say in jest, “but it is not diamonds!”

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

 Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

 Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

Like I said previously a friend of mine who owns Every Day Bow Ties made my Bow Tie, seen above and in some pics below.  I can’t tell you how many times I went to Jo-Anne Fabrics to find the right pattern…I spent more time there in the past couple months than the entirety of my whole life!  But, I think I did pretty well.  He also made a pocket square from the same fabric that Dave wore.   Before the wedding we also took some pics with just us by Cazenovia Lake, and we love  how they came out. Next blog will be the cermony blog!

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

 Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

I’m feeling pretty disappointed lately. We received an RSVP from my parents for our wedding. As you can imagine by my disappointment, they declined. No explanation, no phone call, just a simple “2” filled in under “Guests unable to attend.” That’s it.

We spoke recently in some friendly phone conversations. They called on my birthday and we caught up and laughed. I didn’t sense any shame or discomfort. I thought maybe this time was different. I never mentioned the wedding to them, preferring to enjoy the planning process and avoid excuses and arguments. Regretfully, I kept certain things from my parents because it made interacting with them easier. But it also probably allowed them to think that I might feel ashamed.

Now I just feel let down and angry. I cannot help but resent my sister right now. Thanks to Facebook, I am taunted by pictures of the new first home she just bought with her husband. Of course, my parents also took them out to dinner to celebrate and my sister shared photos of the gifts they showered them with. They not only attended her wedding but participated actively as parents of the bride. I’m pretty sure they also contributed financially, but I try not to torture myself with specifics.

Right after getting the world’s saddest RSVP, I called my sister because I still had not heard from her. I left her a quick voicemail saying that we needed to give a final headcount. Instead of having the courage to call back, she shot me a very short Facebook message simply stating that she had just settled on a house and was on a tight budget so they could not make it.

Not only did I attend my sister’s wedding, but I also acted as Maid of Honor – Well Matron, actually, even though no one referred to me that way (yet another way of pretending it’s not there). I watched my father walk her down the aisle and dance with her to a sappy song. I smiled as my mother beamed the entire day. I wrote a touching speech. I bought her some sexy negligee for her shower so I could really emphasize that I am the radical sister. I paid for the travel and the dress. I put Rose through so much discomfort and awkward moments. And the sad part is – I am not even asking for the same treatment. I don’t expect for them to renounce their strong religious beliefs. But I do want them to be present for me… for their daughter.  

I continue to affirm to myself that “life isn’t fair” and that I am so incredibly lucky to be surrounded by SO much love and support, including my other relatives. I know I don’t want the life that my sister has with my parents. However, there is something about the lack of your own parents in your life that is just heartbreaking. Even though I do not agree with their belief system at all and often don’t fully enjoy their company, I still love them. I know they love me, too, but it is not unconditional love. They want to sweep parts of me under a rug. They are happy and comfortable talking with me about my job and school and my birthday – but they refuse to accept that I am a lesbian and I am happily married. They want to pretend as though that part of me does not exist, which leads to countless mind games and mixed emotions.

I was really holding on to hope that this time they might come around. The last Thanksgiving we shared together was much less tense. We did not have any arguments about how I need to respect them by attending without Rose. You see, in my situation, they are fine with me but only “non-committed-lesbian” me. I refuse to let this happen anymore. I do not want to be disrespected. I realize now that I cannot let them make me feel ashamed for who I am.

Oddly, on top of feeling really sad, I also have a sense of relief. Now I don’t have to wait and wonder and can just get back to last minute planning. And at least now I know where I really stand with them. I mean, with how awkward things can be, do I really even want them at my wedding anyway? If they cannot support me, they should not be there. This is the situation that I am in and it is not going to change. Weddings really bring out people’s true colors but fortunately, this also means an outpouring of love and acceptance as well. I’ll choose to focus on that as we continue to plan. Less than 3 weeks away!