So You're EnGAYged, a LGBT wedding blog

Wow, I can’t believe that I am writing my post-wedding blog!!  What a wonderful time it was.  No matter how much planning went into the day, we both were not prepared for the amount of love shown us from our family and friends.  I got some great advice from an old friend who said to take a moment and look around and take it all in.  I can’t fully explain how that felt, but there was a sense that we were part of something beautiful.  I vividly remember during dinner looking up and seeing everyone laughing and having a good time.  It made us very proud to have created the space for that to happen.   As I have mentioned both of our families have had a tough go of it this year, with sickness, loss, family drama, but for at least one day we were all able to gather in one place and take a collective exhale.

Over the next several blog posts I’ll walk you through the various parts of the wedding, and then some honeymoon pics.

I first want to note that getting ready while someone is snapping pictures is kind of a surreal experience.  I felt like every time I went to do anything I had to check first with the photographer…thankfully we both watch Tyra enough to know how to catch the light!

I had gone back and forth about getting Dave a wedding gift, money was tight, but I wanted to do something, so after conversations  with our wedding planner Kate, from Lovewell Celebration Design, I decided to get him cuff links that I found on Etsy…he loved them! And I loved watching him open the box…even if he did say in jest, “but it is not diamonds!”

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

 Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

 Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

Like I said previously a friend of mine who owns Every Day Bow Ties made my Bow Tie, seen above and in some pics below.  I can’t tell you how many times I went to Jo-Anne Fabrics to find the right pattern…I spent more time there in the past couple months than the entirety of my whole life!  But, I think I did pretty well.  He also made a pocket square from the same fabric that Dave wore.   Before the wedding we also took some pics with just us by Cazenovia Lake, and we love  how they came out. Next blog will be the cermony blog!

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

 Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

I’m feeling pretty disappointed lately. We received an RSVP from my parents for our wedding. As you can imagine by my disappointment, they declined. No explanation, no phone call, just a simple “2” filled in under “Guests unable to attend.” That’s it.

We spoke recently in some friendly phone conversations. They called on my birthday and we caught up and laughed. I didn’t sense any shame or discomfort. I thought maybe this time was different. I never mentioned the wedding to them, preferring to enjoy the planning process and avoid excuses and arguments. Regretfully, I kept certain things from my parents because it made interacting with them easier. But it also probably allowed them to think that I might feel ashamed.

Now I just feel let down and angry. I cannot help but resent my sister right now. Thanks to Facebook, I am taunted by pictures of the new first home she just bought with her husband. Of course, my parents also took them out to dinner to celebrate and my sister shared photos of the gifts they showered them with. They not only attended her wedding but participated actively as parents of the bride. I’m pretty sure they also contributed financially, but I try not to torture myself with specifics.

Right after getting the world’s saddest RSVP, I called my sister because I still had not heard from her. I left her a quick voicemail saying that we needed to give a final headcount. Instead of having the courage to call back, she shot me a very short Facebook message simply stating that she had just settled on a house and was on a tight budget so they could not make it.

Not only did I attend my sister’s wedding, but I also acted as Maid of Honor – Well Matron, actually, even though no one referred to me that way (yet another way of pretending it’s not there). I watched my father walk her down the aisle and dance with her to a sappy song. I smiled as my mother beamed the entire day. I wrote a touching speech. I bought her some sexy negligee for her shower so I could really emphasize that I am the radical sister. I paid for the travel and the dress. I put Rose through so much discomfort and awkward moments. And the sad part is – I am not even asking for the same treatment. I don’t expect for them to renounce their strong religious beliefs. But I do want them to be present for me… for their daughter.  

I continue to affirm to myself that “life isn’t fair” and that I am so incredibly lucky to be surrounded by SO much love and support, including my other relatives. I know I don’t want the life that my sister has with my parents. However, there is something about the lack of your own parents in your life that is just heartbreaking. Even though I do not agree with their belief system at all and often don’t fully enjoy their company, I still love them. I know they love me, too, but it is not unconditional love. They want to sweep parts of me under a rug. They are happy and comfortable talking with me about my job and school and my birthday – but they refuse to accept that I am a lesbian and I am happily married. They want to pretend as though that part of me does not exist, which leads to countless mind games and mixed emotions.

I was really holding on to hope that this time they might come around. The last Thanksgiving we shared together was much less tense. We did not have any arguments about how I need to respect them by attending without Rose. You see, in my situation, they are fine with me but only “non-committed-lesbian” me. I refuse to let this happen anymore. I do not want to be disrespected. I realize now that I cannot let them make me feel ashamed for who I am.

Oddly, on top of feeling really sad, I also have a sense of relief. Now I don’t have to wait and wonder and can just get back to last minute planning. And at least now I know where I really stand with them. I mean, with how awkward things can be, do I really even want them at my wedding anyway? If they cannot support me, they should not be there. This is the situation that I am in and it is not going to change. Weddings really bring out people’s true colors but fortunately, this also means an outpouring of love and acceptance as well. I’ll choose to focus on that as we continue to plan. Less than 3 weeks away!

Hello friends!

It’s been a bit of a one-woman show around here, and that number may be dropping to 0 after today’s post, at least until after the wedding. The sad news is that after our wedding, I think things are going to be super duper quiet around here at SYE. Now that we’re inside of 10 days until the wedding, things are getting pretty busy and I think for my own sanity (and sleep schedule) I need to reel it in a bit here at SYE until after the wedding. I think that any free time I have this week and next will be spent stringing bunting and writing names on escort cards, corralling out of town guests, or else neurotically rearranging our table assignments. The good news is that Michael should be back soon giving us a short series of wrap-up posts about his wedding last weekend! And more good news is that in a few weeks, I will be able to give you all the dirty details about our wedding next weekend plus our mini-moon trip after the wedding! I’ve been working on some DIY projects (the aforementioned bunting and escort cards) and would love to share them with you. Plus, we’ve been having those sort of fun but scary conversations about what it means to be married, how our relationship is doing now vs. when we met vs. what we hope it will be like in the first year of our marriage, and I’m curious about how other people *really* feel in the days before and after their wedding. And, once we get some fancy photos back I’d love to share them here in a modified “real wedding” since we’re not doing those so much anymore! In the mean time, if there are things you’d like to hear about my experience (or Michael’s) in the weeks after my wedding, let me know in the comments. Here’s to hoping we get through the next 10 days without too much chaos!!

Our wedding is just over two weeks away (eeee!) and now that we’re getting down to the decor and details, I’ve been wondering about how we will honor marriage equality at our wedding. We plan to include a reading of Chief Justice Margaret Marshall’s ruling on marriage equality in Massachusetts:

“Marriage is a vital social institution. The exclusive commitment of two individuals to each other nurtures love and mutual support. Marriage is at once a deeply personal commitment to another human being and a highly public celebration of the ideals of mutuality, companionship, intimacy, fidelity, and family. Because it fulfils yearnings for security, safe haven, and connection that express our common humanity, the decision whether and whom to marry is among life’s momentous acts of self-definition. It is undoubtedly for these reasons, as well as for its intimately personal significance, that civil marriage has long been termed a ‘civil right’. Without the right to marry, one is excluded from the full range of human experience.”

We also made a wedding registry with the Human Rights Campaign, to encourage guests to contribute to the ongoing support of LGBT rights in lieu of gifts; we’ll also be making our own gift to HRC instead of favors. And, we’ve been mindful to work with vendors who are LGBT-friendly and who have made extra efforts to use gender-neutral language in their documentation (though this is often a work in progress).

But I’ve been wondering if this is not enough – or too much??? How do others handle this, gay or straight? What else is out there? I’ve heard of the “White Knot” where couples hand out small white knots for guests to wear to support marriage equality and full equal rights. Other couples opt for a more rainbow-tastic color scheme to their weddings, while still others do nothing obvious at all other than the radical act of getting married.

So I’ve been wondering – what are you doing to honor marriage equality throughout your wedding process? Do you have any awesome ideas to share with us? How have your gestures towards equality been received by guests, family or friends? Do you think there is a place to get political during a wedding? Why or why not?  Let us hear it in the comments!!!