What's In a Same-Sex Wedding Ceremony?
7 Aug
“What’s in a same-sex wedding ceremony, anyway?”
That, my friends, is the question; although, to be fair, it is not normally posed so bluntly. Instead I get vague questions like, “You’re getting married? So how does that work?” Sometimes I’ll get more specific questions like “Who walks down the aisle?” or “Do you both get ‘given away’?”
Recently Liz and I met with our officiant, Reverend Linda McNamar, who just happens to be the mother of one of my Bridesmates (patent pending on that term, but I’ve got men and women attendants and wanted some catchy way to refer to them) and has been like a second mother to me since my teens. She brought along a file folder with sheet after sheet of possibilities for our ceremony. It feels a bit like a Chinese menu: pick one Invocation from column A, pick one reading from column B, etc. We were even asked what we wanted our officiant to wear on our big day – flowing robes or a sleek pantsuit? Reverend Linda wanted to be sure we had lots of options, so we would end up with a ceremony that truly reflects who we are, both individually and together.
We are blessed to have an officiant who has had a lot of experience with gay weddings, including some that were legal in California (and we spent some time talking about what minor changes she would make if the state were to reverse the law prior to our wedding in September 2010). And since this is someone who knew me back when I was a bratty know-it-all teen and loves me anyway, I felt comfortable asking her questions. Lots of questions. Because, if I’m honest, Liz and I really didn’t have a good idea of what we wanted yet, we just knew that many of the questions our friends and colleagues have been asking us are things that most brides never even have to contemplate. And while it is exciting that we can choose anything we like for our wedding ceremony and we won’t be thumbing our noses at any long-held traditions, it’s also a bit overwhelming. And, traditionalists that we are, we sometimes wish there was such a thing as a traditional lesbian wedding.
I think the three of us had the most fun discussing what we are calling “the wedding staging.” Both Liz and I are theatre geeks, and we want our ceremony to have the proper dramatic effect. But perhaps it more closely resembles the complex selections in a football team’s playbook: I’ll fake left, Liz will go right, Reverend Linda will run up the middle… TOUCHDOWN!
Our current idea, ever-evolving, is to have 3 aisles — one down the middle and one on either side — so that we can have a simultaneous procession to the altar up the side aisles (she’ll be flanked by both parents, and I will have my step-dad on my arm) and then a combined recession up the center aisle afterwards, to symbolize how we are coming from different families and uniting as one new family. Sure, our guests might be looking frantically left and right as if they are at a tennis match, but at least we won’t have to resort to flipping a coin to see who goes first. And I think that Liz wants it to be clear that just because I’m wearing a tux does not mean that I am filling the groom’s role; I’m still a bride.
We have a lot of choices left to make: Celtic hand-binding? Unity candle? Rose ceremony? But one thing is clear: we’ve chosen the right officiant.
I love your football analogy. I’m glad you brought this up! I’ve gotten these questions too. We have talked about having two aisles with guests seated in a circle or semi-circle. For a while we really wanted to walk to the huppah together, hand in hand. I think the symbol that we are walking into this together is really powerful. But lately, we have started to realize that our parents would feel left out. So, we may go with Jewish tradition and each walk down with both of our parents. I like that it’s traditional and very egalitarian at the same time. I would feel weird giving my dad a big role, and not also honoring my mom in a similar way. But I’m really curious how other couples are handling this.
This was the hardest part for us to figure out. Who walks down the aisle first? Should we have two aisles?
We ended up doing Jewish tradition and my mom(my father passed away) walked me down half way, then Nat’s parents walked her to me, and then we walked the rest of the way down the aisle together.
However, we changed this so many times I actually forgot in the middle of walking down the aisle which we picked and couldn’t remember where to stop! So I walked a little further then we planned on and later Nat told me she was yelling at me in her head “Stop!!! Don’t walk further!” Ha :)
We had a rather traditional wedding ceremony – we had a unity candle, opening prayers, legalties, vows, more prayers and then signing the registry.
We walked in together. It was a small wedding, so all our guests sat in a circle and we just walked into the middle of it. Hm, now that I write that down, there could be symbolism in that. But to be honest it was such a slacker wedding and we did what felt best on the day.
Kelly, thanks for sharing how you solved this. Great idea!