Surviving the Holidays : Dealing with family as a gay couple
16 Dec
As the holidays are approaching, I’m faced with a dilemma I’ve never had to deal with (and won’t have to deal with ever again, thankfully). Holidays mean family, and family doesn’t always mean good things. I’m ridiculously excited to marry Dana next year, but I’m rather nervous that I’ll have to talk about it with my family, and here’s why – not all of them are invited to the wedding. And I don’t want to have to deal with a bunch of questions that would, if I were to be honest, lead to the answer, “Well, you’re not invited, so it doesn’t matter.” And I’m a planner…to the point of absurdity, as Dana will attest to (she just suggested the word “absurdity,” as a matter of fact), so I’ve been thinking about this a lot. I’ve come up with some ideas on what to do and how to deal with uncomfortable family situations.
I think families break into three basic types. The first type, Type A, is the best type. They are supportive of everything you do in your life, excited about your wedding, and think of it no differently than any other wedding. My immediate family – my brother, my sister-in-law, and my mother – are this type. (I’m not saying no one else my family is – this is merely an example.) Though their main purpose is to provide all-around support, they can be used for another, sneakier purpose – a lifesaver. Before any family gathering, prepare a signal with your Type A family – I suggest running a hand through your hair, as this is what my friends and I use as a signal at funeral homes – that clearly says, “Get me out of here!” So in the middle of a discussion about how the country really should miss the former president, chuckle, make eye contact with an A, give the signal, and prepare to be rescued. (Note – this only works with observant people. Pick your saviors wisely.)
Type B is the polar opposite of A – the ones who have made it clear from even before you came out that gayness wasn’t something that would be tolerated. Our family just didn’t have “those kind of people,” after all. Though I almost always think honest y is the best policy, in this case, it isn’t. Your best bet? Keep your mouth shut and dodge the answer. I hate lying – I do – but I justify keeping my mouth shut in these cases with one simple fact. Family or not, I don’t care enough about them to tell them the truth, so I definitely don’t care enough about them to share this part of myself. And remember – if you get in trouble, give the signal. If you’re lucky, you’ll be rescued. If you’re not, your brother will keep quiet in hopes that this will finally be the year that you tell Grandma you swing on the Sapphic side of the playground.
Which brings us to Type C, and I know that everyone has at least one of these. No one says anything to your face (at least not anymore), but you can tell from the growing quiet when you and your love walk into a room and the “subtle” glances exchanged when you’re talking about your new house. These are the trickiest to deal with, in my opinion. I personally take the opposite approach from Type B – keep on talking. If someone asks you a question, answer it honestly. Since we bought a house this year, I’m anticipating some questions about that. We’ve actually been asked by someone if we would have separate rooms. “No.” Short, sweet, to the point, and correct. A follow-up of “Do you?” is always good, too.
Most importantly, no matter which one you’re dealing with, whatever they say, don’t get mad. It’s not worth it. People are going to make stupid comments no matter how supportive they are. There’s just no way around it. In most cases, they’ve never even had a friend marry someone of the same gender, much less a relative. If someone says something really offensive, stay calm, firmly correct whatever stupid assumption they may have (no, one of us isn’t “the guy”), and then get the hell out of there.
And as my mother would say, “Aren’t you glad you’re not like them?” Be glad you are who you are, that you’re not a narrow-minded idiot, and that you have found the love of your life. And in my case, I know that next year will be even better since that will be the first year I’ll have a wife. So don your gay apparel, head to your gay, happy meetings, and make the yuletide gay. After all, it’s the most wonderful time of the year.
Ugh. family. Mine is all pretty much camp A (except for some slightly confused grandparents, who are on the fence between A and C, but the love is winning out, y’all). But then one aunt is a catty, catty type B. At Christmas, at least, I think I can shrug off her nasty (and unexpected, at least timing-wise) throw-away comments, but I do worry about getting hit with one during the wedding week when I’m a big ball of stress and letting her get to me. Maybe I’ll start working on my hand signals now to get them up to speed by February…
I’m taking Ginger with me to meet my extended family this Christmas. We have been together for almost 5 yrs, and have done almost all of the family meetings (several times), but we saved the hardest for last. Mostly people are in Camp A, but I have some A-C hoverers. I think hand signals are a must, great idea!
Thanks for this post! I have one brother in the A camp, the others are in the C camp, and my parents are firmly rooted in Denial Land: B-camp all the way. They’ll all get a wedding invitation from us, but I’m not going to cry if they decide to boycott me based on their intolerance.
Regardless, I’m going to have a fabulous time with my new wife at our wedding. I hope my parents and my on-the fence brothers will join my cool brother and I as we celebrate!
Christmas this year will be interesting, but my car will be in the driveway, ready for a quick getaway if need be. :-)
Didn’t you mean to say, ” If someone says something really offensive, stay calm, firmly correct whatever stupid assumption they may have (no, one of us isn’t “the guy”), and then get the hell out of the way as my brother and mother make it a Christmas to remember?” Part of me would like to tell my grandchildren (if we have any) the Christmas your grandfather spent in jail for assault. :)
ok, i had my comment all ready until i read dave’s! i sooooooo would love to hear that story! dave, it is probably wrong to throw down at family gatherings, but…boy, it would make a GREAT story!
now, back to my original thought….
the thing is, a lot of people suck, a lot of people are stupid, ignorant, and/or mean. by a lot, i mean most. so it stands to reason that we are related to some of them. just because we share ancestors does not mean we owe them anything. i am a firm believer in picking your family. and i only pick from team A.
Great post, Mon! It was my favorite combo of heart-warming and hysterical. Plus, sound advice I need to learn to use.
Although, I’m mad at you for being too cute because I got a little misty eyed when I read, “I know that next year will be even better since that will be the first year I’ll have a wife.” Too cute…but not good for my frigid façade ;)
Luckily, my family and my partners family are all pretty much in Camp A. We had a camp C person in Kim’s family, but she is now the ex-bitch-in-law, so we have no worries this time of year with family.(except for her trying to ruin Christmas for her ex and his family, but nothing directly to do with the “gay” issue!) I wish everyone could have families like we do!
I really hope you can join me at my mothers wednesday (23rd)night. I miss seeing you and the laughter that you bring.
Oh the holidays. Early in November I had to lay down the law with my Camp B family and tell them that I can’t keep pretending at family gatherings that I’m single and just not looking for anyone, when in fact I’m engaged to the woman I’ve been with for the past 3 years. Let’s just say that my family is not talking to me anymore, but I feel better about that. It’ll be interesting this year – the first time since college that I haven’t gone to the family gathering for Christmas – but at least it will be a real FAMILY affair. My partner’s family is Camp A 100%, and they are more than excited to welcome me in with open arms.
And all families are type “D” (dysfunctional), I guess.
I personally think a code word, such as “excommuniction,” would be an adequate substitute for a secret hand signal.
I meant “excommunication.”
Or how about “onomatopoeia?”
This post came JUST at the right time as my girlfriend is arriving for the family Christmas. Sigh, too many borderlines in my family which makes things uncomfortable. I wish I had more Camp A’s in my family, not too many sidekicks on my end.