God and Gay Marriage
16 Oct
Editor’s note: So You’re EnGAYged supports civil and respectful conversation of the topic in this post. Comments will be moderated to eliminate any hurtful or inflammatory comments, or comments that do not add insight to the discussion of this topic
Dana and I were both raised Catholic, but my growing up was a bit stricter. We both attended Catholic grade school and high school, but I never missed a Sunday mass, and I also attended a Catholic university…and have a degree in Theology from said university. With that being said, it’s surprising to me that of all the issues we both had with coming out, none of them were God-related. It’s only when we were shopping for a church that I had any problem. You see, growing up, though I wasn’t the type to daydream about her wedding, there were two things I always imagined, and one of them was getting married in the church I grew up in. Needless to say, that wasn’t going to happen, and finding a different church (and religion) were going to be a challenge for me. The first Unitarian-Universalist church we attended was way too lax. I didn’t feel like I was at church, and that just wasn’t going to work. I need a little structure in my services. The church we ultimately decided on, though, is perfect. It actually feels to me like a church, and that really says it all. I actually get a little weepy every time I attend a service there, which, though really embarrassing, is very telling to me.
I am grateful that we have found a church congregation and community that supports our right to be married in the eyes of God and feels that said marriage is not an abomination. I have encountered some people – friends, ex-friends, and, sadly, family – who don’t really share that opinion, and they often use the Bible as a basis for their thoughts. I’m going to guess this has happened at least once to the majority of GLBT-identifying people. That is a whole topic in and of itself, but let me just say this — the Bible only talks about homosexual relations in terms of sex outside of a marriage or committed relationship…which it always says is wrong, gay or not. The Bible never speaks (explicitly, anyway) about sex between a loving, committed gay couple. So with that in mind, in my opinion, that the broad argument of “the Bible says it’s wrong” doesn’t have any validity. It’s like comparing apples to ferrets.
Several years ago, my parents, brother, and I were at my grandmother’s (Dad’s side of the family) for Christmas. I heard an argument in the kitchen where my mom, aunt, and Grandma were, complete with raised voices…and we aren’t exactly a raised-voice family. I hadn’t been paying attention, so I asked my dad what was going on. “Close your ears,” was his reply. Well, of course that wasn’t good enough. I finally cornered my mom and asked what happened. Turns out Grandma’s favorite nephew came out, and Grandma didn’t think too much of that. “The Bible says it’s wrong!” she was shouting. “I’m asking the preacher to go talk to him.” She had never been my favorite person, but even still, hearing that she said that was just…awful. I felt nauseous that I was related to someone who thought that way, whose God would condemn her granddaughter for the way He made her. I knew she was wrong, but it’s still difficult to hear.
To those Christians who use the old “the Bible says it’s wrong” argument, I say this. To be blunt, that’s crap. I say Jesus preached a gospel of love, and you’re following a gospel of hatred and intolerance. That’s not what Jesus was about. Love God and love your neighbor as yourself. There’s no footnote that says “but if he’s gay, it’s okay to hate him and not let him get married.”
So the next time someone attacks your marriage plans or lifestyle with the “the Bible says it’s wrong” argument, keep all of this in mind. “I know God loves you, but I don’t think he approves,” I was told once by another family member after coming out. “God does love me, and he made me the way I am,” I said. “I know you have to think that,” was the reply. Well, yeah, I do, because for me, it’s the truth. God brought Dana and I together and brought us to the UU Church, a welcoming congregation that fully supports our getting married. So even though it’s not happening where I always imagined it would, at least the same God will be there. And it seems to me that this UU Church, which does not identify as Christian, sure is practicing Jesus’ message pretty darn well.
i hate ferrets.
i like this blog.
i am so glad you are doing this.
i am so glad you are happy.
We were lucky enough to find a Methodist church that had already had its fight with the denomination and won the right to be pretty much left alone. Even when we got a new pastor they made sure to send one who was open and accepting of everyone. Sometimes it drives me a little crazy that they are trying to be everything to everyone (people come from all different denominational backgrounds) but I love it. And Lynn cries every week in church, which totally pisses her off.
Amazing post! I know it’s simplistic to think this way, but wouldn’t it be nice if people could think before they spew hate then redirect that and do something positive? How about instead of a “Bible says it’s wrong” speech, haters use those five minutes to make a homeless person lunch, pick up some trash from the side of the road, stop by a retirement home to enjoy a chat with the elderly, who are often forgotten, or simply enjoy watching a ferret eat an apple. But, again, that’s probably too simplistic to think that way.
On a related note, make sure to watch Grey’s Anatomy this week. Callie gives a great speech about religion and homosexuality to her hesitant father. A+ acting and writing! And available at ABC.com.
Finally, there was an interracial couple denied a marriage license in Tangipahoa Parish Louisiana by the justice of the peace. Patricia Morris, of the local NAACAP chapter, responded with the following statement and I can’t help but to think she made a great point for gay and lesbian marriage, too. (Note: “He” being the justice).
“He’s an elected public official and one of his duties is to marry people. He doesn’t have the right to say he doesn’t believe in it. If he doesn’t do what his position calls for him to do, he should resign from that position.”
Monica, love you! A+ post!
One the most rewarding parts of being engaged has been exploring our faith together more deeply. I love friday nights because it often means, synagogue, yummy dinner, and great conversations about the torah portion and wedding plans with Ginger. I was raised Episcopal, and Ginger was raised (reform) Jewish. We find it funny that the big thing for us in terms of finding a Rabbi isn’t being gay, but being interfaith. I’m planning to ask my childhood priest to co-officiate in some way. He’s really great, and was part of one of the first gay weddings at the National Cathedral. We have found a great synagogue here, and I know what you mean about the emotion of finding the right place to worship. Great post, thanks for bringing it up!
Oddly enough, I was just thinking about this last night. My cousin got married this weekend, and her gay aunt sang at the ceremony and said the blessing at the reception, which was beautiful, but it threw me for a second because I tend to think of gay people and God as oil and water. Those are just my issues talking, though. When I took a second to think about it, I realized more of my gay friends than I was originally thinking have their faith as an important part of their lives. And, though it differs from my religious stance, I find it heartwarming and encouraging that they can hold so strongly to their faith through so much opposition.
Also, I suck at expressing thoughts, so my comments are far from eloquent, but I figure the gist is there. Plus, I’ve only had a one-hour nap in the last 26 hours. At least the spelling is superb.
http://tiny.cc/PTLts
Wasabi, we had a similar experience. We recently got married in Massachusetts. Every Reform rabbi we contacted was happy to perform a same-sex wedding. However, when we mentioned that my wife-to-be was not Jewish, they almost all backed off. Thank heavens we ultimately found one willing to marry us!
You (and our relationship) make me feel closer to God than any Catholic school religion class.
When you combine one apple (or ferret…ha) with another apple, you have two apples. No more, no less. When you combine one person’s love with another person’s love, you get way more than two. That love can grow exponentially, every hour, every day, until the whole world is a better place.
That is why the argument that homosexuality is a sin (like stealing and lying) is (as you would say) “a bunch of crap.” Stealing, lying, rape, assault, etc. all take away a piece of the other person’s humanity. Truly sinful acts dishonor the divinity that is in us all. But love does the opposite of that.
We are the opposite of that.
Looking forward to marrying you next May!!!
how sweet is dana?