From Zenia’s Flickr stream

I’ve noticed that my friends and family seem to mistake our legal DC ceremony with providing us marriage rights, at least at the state level, as much as we try to remind them that Louisiana doesn’t recognize same sex marriage. I would hate to think that after attending our wedding, guests might walk away with the misconception that the rights we desperately need and are fighting hard for have already been obtained.

After remembering Kelly’s awesome idea for a gay marriage law mobile, I decided to figure out how to tweak this idea for our reception. My idea is to ask our florist to make a floral arrangement with branches (like the one pictured above) to decorate the escort card table. And then list some of the 1,100 Federal marriage protections on cards, per Kelly’s tutorial, to hang from the branches of the arrangement, similar to a wish tree. Next to the arrangement, I’ll put a little sign explaining the display with white knots for guests to take. What do you think? Any other ideas to highlight marriage equality at our reception?

Planning our Baltimore wedding from New Orleans, has it’s challenges. The next time I’ll be back in Maryland it will be three days before the wedding. This is how I’m coping with the challenges of long distance planning:

Transporting Wedding Things:

My dress is waiting for me in MD, and I’m hoping it fits like it did last month, three months from now. The upside is that I won’t have to get on a plane with a huge bag of crinoline, but the downside is that I won’t be able to make last minute adjustments. Laura is taking the opposite approach because her dress is way easier to travel with and she wants a few fittings. The dresses are just the beginning of the wedding stuff that needs to make it to MD. Planning long distance means that I have to be creative with how to get decorations to the wedding. I’m making paper flowers and mailing them to my mom for the paper flower balls that will hang above the dance floor; she is handling the assembly. I’m also forgoing favors, special toasting flutes, signage, and other extras that we don’t feel strongly about and would be difficult to travel with.

Delegating to Friends and Family:

Some wedding things can’t be easily transported, which means letting go and delegating.  I gave the task of thrift store shopping for cake stands to my in-laws-to-be who found the perfect set of mismatched antiques (pictured above). I also plan to delegate the making of our huppah, displaying of escort cards, and the buying of booze. The best advice I have is to just let go of control a  little and let your community help you. You might be surprised by how happy people are to help. And even if they don’t nail your aesthetic exactly, when you look at the results you’ll see the love of your friends and family.

A Venue that Doesn’t Need Decoration

We are getting married in a wild flower garden in front of a wooden sculpture at sundown. We decided we didn’t need any decorations or flowers given how pretty the venue is on it’s own. Instead, we hired a lighting company to light up the huppah and aisle, set up a microphone, and that’s it. The barn where we are holding the reception doesn’t need much except some nice looking tables for dinner.

Hiring Help:

Our family will help us get all of our wedding extras to the vendors, and the vendors with take care of setting everything up the day of. I’m so glad I finally let go of the guilt of spending  a little more money, and realized how invaluable my wedding day sanity is. We plan to spend the morning of our wedding hanging out and enjoying some time just the two of us. Because the wedding prep, coordination, and cleanup will be handled by our awesome vendors, we can use our short time in Maryland to visit with guests, have some moments alone, and take in our wedding weekend.

Speaking of sanity, the best thing about long distance planning is the need to plan ahead. That might be challenging now, but a week before the wedding either the DIY projects will be done, or they aren’t getting done- there will be no rushed, last minute crafting the night before the wedding.

“Before drinking from this cup of joy, we acknowledge that our cup is not quite full. We spill out drops of wine in hope that someday this union will be fully recognized as a marriage by the civil authorities with all of the rights and benefits of marriage, and none of the discrimination that faces these brave souls today. As we raise the cup, we affirm the joy that it does contain, the gifts of this union, the blessings of this love, and the delight of everyone here to celebrate this simcha (joy).”

Recently, our Rabbi told us about the possibility of adding this same sentiment into the breaking of the glass as an alternative choice.

He sent sent us a sample of how this could be scripted (from the Working Group on Same-Gender Officiation, Central Conference of American Rabbis):

“There are many explanations for the custom of breaking a glass at this Jewish rite. One interpretation is that this practice reminds you, Wasabi and Ginger, along with all who are present, that the Jewish people have a partnership with God in the task of tikkun olam, the healing and repair of the world. Anywhere there is oppression and pain, the Jew is asked to respond.

Because so many gays and lesbians sadly still know the oppression and pain of hiding, because so many gays and lesbians still lack equality of civil rights in our world, we break a glass/glasses on this day of celebration to remind us that even in this hour of great joy, our world is still incomplete and in need of healing. May the time be soon, speedily and in our day, when all who are in hiding shall be free and all who are in exile shall come home.

May the shattering of these glasses by Wasabi and Ginger remind them and us to work towards this time of wholeness, this tikkun, for ourselves and our world. Amen.”

Our Rabbi also plans to add the story that inspired the tradition of breaking the glass. The story goes that in the middle of a wedding celebration, the Rabbi grabbed a glass wedding gift and smashed it on the floor. The guests gasped in shock,as he proceeded to explain to them the importance of remembering the sorrow in the world in the midst of our joy.

Beth Cyr

Bario Neal

Turtle Love Co.

Brilliant Earth

To go along with the Baltimore at night theme, we picked this image for our vintage postcard RSVP’s. Card Cow has tons of vintage postcards, and you can buy the high res image for a nominal fee (it cost me $5). Next, I plan to upload the image to an online printer to make the postcards.

For the envelope, we picked this hand writing style from Penned and Pretty. My handwriting is terrible, and at 90 cents an envelope, it was worth it to me. I’m going to top them all off with the Abstract Expressionist stamps from USPS (perfect for our art museum venue!).

Once I have pictures of the finished product, I’ll be sure to post them!

Last year, we finally forged the holiday compromise: Thanksgiving would be with Ginger’s family, and Christmas would be with my parents. It was so hard to make that compromise- Thanksgiving would never be the same for me. For Ginger, Christmas had to be celebrated every year, something she had tried hard to avoid her whole life. It seemed so difficult that the hard stuff had to end with the compromise, but unfortunately, it doesn’t. Every year still brings with it little deaths and little births. A new family tradition for Hannukah, followed by the reminder that Christmas music wouldn’t be appropriate to play in our Jewish home. “Silent Night,” my childhood lullaby, doesn’t fit into my home life anymore. And, the smell of an evergreen won’t ever be welcoming me back from a long, winter day.

Then Christmas comes, and we fly to be with my parents. It’s like being a visitor at a Christmas celebration, it’s wonderful, but it isn’t ours. We have a Jewish home, and yet, an interfaith family. We dug through the emotions that come with each holiday season this year by attending my conversion class together, and then hashing out our feelings over bagels and lox. I don’t think this will be that last challenging holiday, but talking it over seems to help.

Chronically ill but still bad *ss (picture taken by a friend)

I’ve dealt with medical conditions before but nothing like what’s been happening for the last couple months. I’ve been admitted to the hospital twice for unstoppable vomiting that lasted days and days. And right now we still aren’t 100% sure what’s causing it despite exhaustive testing. I’ve found it helpful to look at the silver linings during this ordeal; to focus on what I’m gaining rather than what I’m losing by being sick. So, I’m going to let you in on some things I’ve learned about my marriage and myself from this experience.

I’ve learned I am marrying a wonderful caretaker. I now know that without a shadow of a doubt. I used to think Ginger would probably take good care of me if I got really sick. Now, I’ve seen her do it and I know she is an amazing caregiver. I’ve watched her advocate on my behalf with doctors when I physically couldn’t. I’ve had her calm me down and hold my hand while I waited for treatment. I’ve watched her explain to my dad that she’s not leaving my side tonight and woken up next to her in my hospital bed. We’ve already begun to live out our vows. Somehow, I love her even more now if that’s even possible.

I’ve learned to put things in perspective. I’ve learned to put self care above all else, and stay relatively “zen” about the wedding. Wedding drama seems pretty small when you are chronically sick. I’m no longer allowing myself to feel guilty about being behind on the wedding to-do list. And if/when I DO get worried about the wedding, I either A) go to our photographer’s website and remind myself that his work is SO good that our wedding will look fab no matter what or B) look at pictures of our honeymoon destination in Maui and imagine being married already! In general, I’m learning to stress and feel guilty about stuff less, and take time to relax and breathe more.

(at the risk of over sharing) I’m starting to learn how to cope with a low libido situation. Since getting sick, I don’t look or feel like myself. I lost tons of weight (not in a good way, in a scary way), and I feel pretty weak. And, it’s taken a toll on my sex drive. To cope, we have been communicating about our sex life more than ever, and I think this bodes well us now and in the future. Addressing this now makes me a way less scared of our sex life wax and weaning over time, and the dreaded LBD. I know that it’s OK that this happens, and it’s very possible jump back into great sex after an extended lull. This post by Ms. Loaf, called “Ideas for overcoming sexual frequency issues, offers fantastic advice from a queer perspective, and gave me a lot to think about.

For us, it made sense to ignore the traditions and material stuff, and just have a simple engagement where we were both equal participants. On very rare occasions, I feel a little less than without an engagement ring, to be honest. But most of the time, I’m happy to get a free pass from the ring Olympics. I like that not wearing an engagement ring makes me think hard about how I react to societal pressures. Nevertheless, I CAN NOT WAIT to wear my wedding bands!

At the courthouse in DC

We went to Thanksgiving at Ginger’s house, followed by a whirlwind of wedding planning. Besides applying for our marriage license in DC (picture above), we made lots of planning progress.

Band

This was our big splurge because live music is really important to us. Ginger said she knew I was the one when she saw me in a mosh pit for the first time. We booked the Junkyard Saints. They will be providing a piano soloist during cocktail hour, jazz during dinner, and a big , funky brass band to party to. Plus, they play lots of New Orleans/JazzFest inspired music, and can do a hora, so obviously they were meant to be our wedding band.

Cake

We found an amazing bakery! But not before trying a place that served us stale cake and charged quite the “wedding surcharge” if you know what I mean. Then we went to Sugar Bakers, and had awesome cake! Because we want nicely but plainly decorated cakes for a cake buffet, Sugar Bakers charged us per cake ($38 to $53) for a total of $329 for 6 cakes and delivery. Mmmm….and it was SOOO good!

Red Velvet Fudge Cake with cream cheese frosting and red velvet crumbs and pearl border decorations

Strawberry Mouse Yellow Cake with two layers whip cream and fresh strawberries and two layers of strawberry mouse; iced in whip cream with a fluffy finish decorated with strawberries on top.

Lemon Mousse Cake with two layers of lemon mousse, and one layer of lemon curd; iced in German buttercream with pearl border on top and bottom and lemon curd on top

Vanilla Cheesecake piled with mixed berries on top

Chocolate Cake with two layers ganache filling and two layers mousse filling; frosted with poured chocolate ganache finished with chocolate shavings and chocolate cigarette decorations

Dolce de Leche Cake three layer cake with dolce buttercream frosting and drizzled with caramel on top

Next: Book Ben and Jerry’s Scoop Shop Ice Cream Cart

Eco Friendly Decor

Our florist, Local Color Flowers, has been awesome to work with and buys all of their flowers locally. One idea I love- instead of using tropical leaves to fill the inside of glass vases, they use green recycled paper.

Since our ceremony is after sunset in a garden, we are skipping all of the usual ceremony decorations. Instead, we are using Particle Wave Creative to light up the space. The aisle will be lined with LED luminaries, and the sculpture we are getting married in front of will be all lit up with amber lights. Hopefully this will give the garden a nice glow and help guests see the ceremony.

Hotels

Most of the hotels in Baltimore will be booked during our wedding weekend for a major horse race and other conventions. At first, this was making booking room blocks seem expensive and impossible. But, in my frantic search through every single hotel, I found two good deals a block or so away from each other; the Quality Inn ($70 a night!), and the Hotel Monaco. The lesson- shop early and hard for good room rates. If I wasn’t having such trouble finding rooms, I would have never tried so many places.

Welcome Dinner & Day After Brunch

We decided to have our welcome dinner at the Hotel Monaco’s B & O Brasserie. I think it will be comfortable and intimate; a good compromise after having a lot of trouble deciding where to do this. Everyone is happy with it and the food’s great- yay! The brunch will be in another room in the hotel with lots of windows and a nice view. I’m glad the hotel we are staying at will be the “home base” for the weekends activities. Makes it easy for guests and for us.

Then I started reading stories about bloggers who LOVED their boudoir shoots. A Los Angeles Love opened my eyes to the idea that these shoots could be empowering for their subjects. She talked about seeing herself as truly sexy and beautiful after looking at the results. Ms. Loaf of More of This & Less of That, also found the experience empowering and healing. Her photographer, Fat Bottom Boudoir, specializes in taking pictures of plus sized women and her pictures are gorgeous.  Both bloggers were inspired to see themselves in a different light. This got me thinking…Boudoir photography can actually change the way you see yourself for the better? It can be part of self discovery? I was intrigued. Most of all, I could relate to these women- not super confident, but brave; not flawless, but embracing how hot they look right now. They got me excited about a boudoir shoot of my own.

Being sexy for another women is (at least somewhat) different than the Maxim-esque pictures I’ve seen. In terms of boudoir, that could be as femme as getting dolled up like a pin up. Or as simple as a no makeup, messy hair, and being covered up by only a sheet.  Or a huge grin instead of the standard “sexy face.”  Instead of pictures of gender stereotypes, how about pictures of gender bending? That’s the kind of thing I find hot. And tattoos. And especially artistic nudes. The more I looked at boudoir photography that brakes the mold, the more I liked the idea of it. My particular fantasy is to pose in a retro photoshoot inspired by these photos by Sergio Mottola and this shoot by Feather Love Photography. And, I think I might really go for it!

So I am curious, what do you think of wedding boudoir shoots? Would you do one? What if your partner gifted you the pictures? When I asked Ginger what she thought of me giving her boudoir pics, she looked at me kind of dumb founded that I had to ask whether she would want hot, naked pictures of me; “Of course!”