So You're EnGAYged, A Gay Wedding Blog

Photo by Lara Swanson

Over Thanksgiving we had our first tasting. Caterer #1 was wonderful. They were very committed to being environmentally responsible through a variety of different projects, and the food was exceptional. Then, over Christmas, we had two more meetings with different caterers to see what was out there. Caterer #2 rocked our socks off! Not only was the food good, but the coordinator that would handle our wedding was so helpful and seemed like such an asset in planning this wedding from afar without an official wedding planner or DOC.

When we left the meeting Ginger was totally sold. She knew that if I was working with this caterer, I would be way more calm and collected. The caterer was willing to take on setting up things like escort cards, calling vendors the day of, and all of the details of our wacky wedding time line.

What wacky time line you ask? Well, after pushing the wedding date to May to satisfy the rain concerns, we ran into a new problem. We have to wait longer for the sun to set, because Jewish weddings are typically held after Shabbot has ended. Our ceremony will start at 8:30pm, and I couldn’t make our guests wait that long to eat. So, Ginger and I decided to flip things around. We are going to start with a cocktail hour and seated dinner. Then we will have the ceremony in the garden. Afterward, we will celebrate with toasts, dancing, and cake back in the barn.

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Picture via Stephanie James Couture

Some brides totally rock their veils and look gorgeous, but I never wanted to wear a veil myself. It’s funny how this particular bridal accessory can hold so much cultural and personal meaning. For some, a veil can be that one thing that makes you feel like a bride. For others, wearing a veil is a meaningful religious tradition. And then there are people like me. Wearing a veil just makes me feel strange and uncomfortable, like I’m wearing a costume.  When I was shopping for my dress, I noticed that dress shops really like to throw a veil on my head to try to coax out that tearful, “I’m a bride” moment. And, what if that’s just not me. Why is there this expectation that every bride MUST want a veil?

Some salespeople that I encountered acted like if you don’t want to try on a veil, you just don’t know what you REALLY want. I heard things like, ”Oh you think you don’t want a veil, but let’s just toss this on you anyway, and YOU’LL SEE!” I held my ground and the cool shops realized that they were better off throwing a birdcage or a big flower on my head than coming at me with yards of tulle. But the whole experience left a bad taste in my mouth. It was an unfortunate reminder that brides aren’t expected to know what they want or to deviate from the norm. I guess it was my first glimpse into what it means to not fit into the wedding industry mold, live and in person. In a sea of strapless, A-line ball gowns and cathedral length veils, I’m the lesbian looking at the four tea length dresses in the shop, and no I don’t want to try on a veil, thankyouverymuch. I’m just totally in awe of all of you ladies who are picking out beautiful suits and fighting the heterocentric stereotypes that come with wedding garb. Because dealing with other people’s wedding expectations can be exhausting, right? In the end, I decided that I just want a fancy, feather-y clip in my hair. I asked my dress designer to make something similar to the accessory (that she made) pictured above. Was anyone  else caught off guard by the pressure to wear a veil?

Around the time we got engaged, I asked myself questions like, “Why are we getting married,” and “what will change after (almost) a five year partnership, and living together for years? Anything?” The answers, at the time, seemed vague and hard to articulate. I knew it was important to me, but it was hard to pin point exactly why.

Now that we have been engaged for a year, one reason in particular is clear to me: to blend our two families together, and establish our new family unit. There was a touching moment at Thanksgiving this year where I started seeing concrete ways that our engagement is impacting our families. My parents were at Ginger’s parent’s house for Thanksgiving for the first time. Before dinner, all 20+ of us (she has a big, Jewish family) went around the room saying what we were thankful for. When it was Ginger’s mom’s turn, she said she was thankful for the new additions to her family. She went on to explain what the yiddish word “machatunim” means to my Episcolpalian parents. It’s used to acknowledge the relationship between the parents of an engaged couple. She concluded that all of us are all already family. This really touched my parents, and since then, there has been a new closeness to our parent’s relationship with each other. Blending our communities together and getting their support is definitely one of the main reasons that we are getting married.

image of rings by Lara Swanson

One of my favorite bloggers, Meg, recently wrote about “Marriage Ambivalence.” She asked some tough questions about why we get married, and why some people feel ambivalent about marriage.  I definitely hear wedding ambivalence from some of my friends. Being gay, it common to be asked, ”What’s the point of a ceremony without state or Federal recognition?”

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Meg recently wrote about how to make your wedding “blog-chic.” I love Meg because her posts always make me feel a little more sane. In this post, she boils down the secrets to making you wedding look blog worthy to 2, maybe 4 items. Who needs tons of details and absolute perfection when you have these simple ingredients: The right partner (obv! check!), a stylish photographer, an interesting dress, and an interesting venue. Right now, I’m in a very “zen” place about the wedding, because, I’ve accomplished everything on this list, and we are still more than a year out. I’m convinced the wedding will be beautiful no matter how the rest of planning goes. All the important stuff is done. So to recap what we have accomplished last year:

We won the Clayton Austin giveaway, ensuring our pics will look amazing! Check out one of my favorite engagement shoots he did:

by Clayton Austin
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I’m so excited to finally be posting the last chapter of my dress hunt. This all started with some dress shopping around New Orleans with Ginger. After getting an idea of what I liked and conquering my bridal shop fears on my first trips out, I took advantage of quick vacation in San Francisco. This time I tried on  dresses by Stephanie James Couture in San Francisco, and started to narrow in on what I wanted. Where I last left off, I had picked a dress and found a shop in PA where I could try it on over Christmas. I’m back from that trip and ready to show all of you pictures of me in my wedding dress! It’s ordered and being custom made for me. (more…)

Budgeting is tough, no matter how much you have available to spend. So many expectations, so many ideas, and so many scary price tags. At least that’s how it’s felt to us. From the beginning we have been trying to keep the wedding simple, and started with a very modest budget. We immediately decided against engagement rings for various reasons. Instead we began saving for beautiful wedding bands and a Hawaiian honeymoon. We have already saved about half of our goal thanks to a long engagement. We are really lucky to have parents that are going above and beyond to help us out with the wedding. They have decided to split the wedding 50/50, and have left the grand total pretty much up to us. On one hand, we have love, support, and financial help coming equally from both sides, and feel very blessed to be in that situation. On the other hand, Ginger and I both have parents with a particular set of expectations for the wedding. A good portion of the budget is stuff that if we had it our way would have been slashed or done differently. We realized at the beginning that we couldn’t have a guest list that pleased everyone and a traditional caterer without doubling our initial modest budget. Left to our own devices, we totally would have looked at a BBQ, an ethnic restaurant, or maybe a taco truck. But, we went with a traditional caterer because that’s what our parents wanted. For centerpieces, we would have definitely DIY’ed something fun and non floral, or arranged the flowers ourselves. But, my mom didn’t like the idea of stressing over that, and it was important to her that we have a florist. With each compromise the budget gets bigger. (more…)

With my next wedding dress excursion right around the corner, I keep toying with the idea of what I will wear to our legal ceremony. We weren’t originally planning to have two ceremonies. But that all changed when DC made gay marriage legal this month! Now that the mayor has signed the bill, it’s feeling real and I’m getting really excited! Our plan is to drive into DC from Maryland on the day before our wedding with our parents. We will head right to the courthouse to make our marriage legal, and then take a few pictures before heading to the pre-wedding welcome party. (Hey, DC locals- Where would you take pictures? Dupont Circle? On the Mall?)

So, now my question is, what to wear? I don’t want to wear my wedding dress twice. The way I see it, my other options fall into three camps:

“she enjoys shakespeare in the park” by ban.do

1. The long white dress- Since, I’m wearing a tea length, white dress for the wedding, I could take the opportunity to wear a long, white dress. Pros: Strangers will know right away what’s up, and might even wish us congrats. I will get a chance to do the traditional bridal thing. I could find a flow-y one that would work with a wreath of flowers in my hair (I’ve always loved that hippie wedding look.) Cons: It might be too formal depending on what Ginger ends up wearing.

2. The Engagement Shoot Type Outfit- I don’t know what this would be exactly, but a casual, everyday look, like jeans and a nice top. Pros: I get to wear it again and again, and maybe recycle an outfit I already own. We will have some nice pictures of us in something other than wedding apparel. Cons: Boring? Not special enough?

3. Sexy and Bridal-ish- A white dress that hints at a courthouse wedding. Think little, white sun dress, or retro mini. Pros: Fun and appropriate for the couthouse  Cons: Will I wear it again?

4. Welcome Party Dress- Ever since I saw this dress from Jenny Yoo’s new collection, I’ve been coveting it for the welcome party before the wedding. I love emerald green, and this dress just speaks to me. Should I just be practical and wear the same thing to both the court house and the party? Pros: Getting two events out of one pretty dress. Cons: Not wedding-y.

“Dylan” Bridesmaid Dress by Jenny Yoo

So I’m wondering, what are you wearing to your legal ceremony if you are having one? How did you decide? Which do you think I should go with?

Seating has been one of those not so fun things to plan. At this point, it looks like it just makes sense to assign people to tables, though our initial plan was to have more of a cocktail party vibe at the reception.

But, I’m determined to have some fun with seating arrangements. I’ve been tying to incorporate our favorite sport into the wedding somehow. But how do you incorporate ski slopes into a spring wedding in Baltimore? Maybe, with this seating chart:

From Table Plans

Ginger rides and I ski. Next month, we are going to Utah with friends to get our powder fix. And, by the time of the wedding, we will have relocated west to start new schools/jobs and get more skiing in. So, I think this seating chart may be a perfect way to add a little “us” to the wedding details.

So, I’m curious. Are you having assigned seating? Place cards? Escort cards? Seating charts?

We love the AVAM!!! We brought both sets of parents along for the tour, and everyone was happy with the venue. The only problem we had was getting everyone on board with the wedding date for an outdoor ceremony. Yep, the date is up in the air again while we get our Rabbi to OK a new date. The idea is that in May it will be warmer and less less likely to rain, and the date change makes our parents happy. Whatever, I just want to get married and I think umbrellas and bright colored wellies make for adorable wedding pictures. But, setting the date is the only part of this process that has created drama. So I’m cool with changing it one more time, and leaving the drama behind. And to be fair, I probably should have encouraged more input from the beginning. Who knew setting the date would be tough, but making a budget and a guest list would be easy peasy (not me!).

But, back to the museum tour. The American Visionary Art Museum is the only museum in the United States completely dedicated to exhibiting the work of self-taught artists. There’s everything from hand knit Mardi Gras costumes, to a huge pen and ink drawing of NYC, to a giant poodle named Fifi. I think our guests are going to really enjoy getting to see it, and it’s definitely our asthetic. It’s located near Federal Hill park and the inner harbour in downtown Baltimore. It has two great spaces for both the reception and ceremony. The museum is split into two areas for events, each with their own spaces, so that two weddings could be going on at the same time. Let’s start with the runner-up space. In the JRVC (one of the museum’s buildings), there is a large reception space on the third floor that resembles a New York loft with exposed brick and beams. While we were there, the space was being used for an art bazzar, so you will have to use your imagination a little bit). (more…)

Photo by Kathryn Rotondo

We are a long way from sending out invitations. But when the time comes, I’m planning to print our invites on my new gocco (screen printer) using some of Ginger’s artwork.  I am thinking of using cherry blossoms as the inspiration for the invites beacuse they are one of my favorite things about April in Maryland. But, definitely not pink (Ginger has already nixed all things pink for the wedding). While I was looking at our different options for invite wording, I found these links really helpful: Wedding wording that won’t make you barf on Offbeat Bride and this thread on Indie Bride. Initially, I thought it would be tricky to find the right wording for a queer wedding. But, it ended up being pretty straight forward. Because our parents are helping us host the wedding, I want to be sure to include them in the invite wording. So, I’m planning to start off with “together with their parents.” And, I’m a minimalist when it comes to this stuff, so I prefer simple wording, and Ginger does too. This is what I have come up with:

Together with their parents
Ginger & Wasabi
invite you to celebrate
their marriage
on the second of April
two thousand eleven
at the American Visonary Art Museum
at six o’clock in the evening
Dinner and dancing to follow