So You're EnGAYged, a LGBT wedding blog

Wow, I can’t believe that I am writing my post-wedding blog!!  What a wonderful time it was.  No matter how much planning went into the day, we both were not prepared for the amount of love shown us from our family and friends.  I got some great advice from an old friend who said to take a moment and look around and take it all in.  I can’t fully explain how that felt, but there was a sense that we were part of something beautiful.  I vividly remember during dinner looking up and seeing everyone laughing and having a good time.  It made us very proud to have created the space for that to happen.   As I have mentioned both of our families have had a tough go of it this year, with sickness, loss, family drama, but for at least one day we were all able to gather in one place and take a collective exhale.

Over the next several blog posts I’ll walk you through the various parts of the wedding, and then some honeymoon pics.

I first want to note that getting ready while someone is snapping pictures is kind of a surreal experience.  I felt like every time I went to do anything I had to check first with the photographer…thankfully we both watch Tyra enough to know how to catch the light!

I had gone back and forth about getting Dave a wedding gift, money was tight, but I wanted to do something, so after conversations  with our wedding planner Kate, from Lovewell Celebration Design, I decided to get him cuff links that I found on Etsy…he loved them! And I loved watching him open the box…even if he did say in jest, “but it is not diamonds!”

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

 Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

 Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

Like I said previously a friend of mine who owns Every Day Bow Ties made my Bow Tie, seen above and in some pics below.  I can’t tell you how many times I went to Jo-Anne Fabrics to find the right pattern…I spent more time there in the past couple months than the entirety of my whole life!  But, I think I did pretty well.  He also made a pocket square from the same fabric that Dave wore.   Before the wedding we also took some pics with just us by Cazenovia Lake, and we love  how they came out. Next blog will be the cermony blog!

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

 Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

Photo by Calypso Rae Photography

Blogging Location, Green Lakes State Park, Dewitt NY:

It is hard to believe that as I write this,we are only 2 weeks, 6 days and 1.5 hours (but who is counting) away from the start of our wedding.  It seems like it has been a long time coming but at the same time, it feels like yesterday that Dave and I went venue searching last summer.

In thinking about this blog I posed the following question to myself: Has our wedding, so far, turned out the way we expected? In short, yes.  But it is not exactly what we envisioned. When we first started this process we had this idea that our wedding should fundamentally impress people with both its simplicity and sophistication.  While I think we are still striking that cord, I am less and less worried about how people will perceive it and more worried about how Dave and I will enjoy it.  I had it in my head that our wedding should break every possible tradition; that it would some how set the standard for the modern gay wedding.  But then I turned off the hyperbolics and remembered that Dave and I are just middle class kids who are not on the Martha Stewart trajectory.  And, more, when we tried to make it something it wasn’t it just felt forced.  So yes, it is the way we thought it would be, simple and sophisticated, but how we define those words have changed.

As I reflect further on the process I am reminded about how little we really knew when we got into this and how much we have learned.  I am impressed by our ability to pull this off.  While we have had a lot of assistance from our wedding planner and various other friends and family, we still feel central to the process.  It is true that we have many things to do and while we don’t know if it will all come off right, we trust that our vision will be effectuated.  As a couple this process did not bring us too much strife…believe me there were fights here and there…but nothing that a little stiff drink and some quiet time did not fix. I wish I could report that I was in some zen place…but I am not.  I know that everything will get done, but this is kind of the worst part…we are sooo close, but yet just far enough for it to feel distant.

But what I think has become clear to me over this planning process is how important it is to pay homage to traditon, while forging our own way.  I think we thought on the onset that we could do as we pleased, and there was no need to pay any attention to tradition, but as we thought more about it some traditions were worth keeping and had some connection to what we are trying to share.  We have decided to do a handfasting cermony, a la the Celtic tradition, although we may change it up just a little bit.  We are both Irish, and feel a deep connection to those roots, so this was a perfect marraige of a non-traditional cermony and our hertiage…and Dave likes the pretty ribbons.

As I have talked about before family is very important to us.  And unfortunately some of our close family will not be with us.  The only living sister of my grandmother is not able to travel and Dave’s grandfather just recently passed away.   These realities that present themselves in the midst of a joyful planning process is both sobering and humbling, but more so, serves as a reminder of why people get married and celebrate with their loves ones, because, simply, we don’t have forever with each other.  My father is not well, although he is doing well presently, but this summer has been hard.  So we are keenly aware of time these days; Time left with people, time spent doing things, and times to come.   Time, the passage of it, however fast or slow, will always sneak up on you but I am glad that for a day, Dave and I will be putting our flag down on the passage of time, to say, if saying meant anything, that we are present here, ready to continue loving each other, and to continue to respect the things that matter: family, friends, and love. So, as we embark on the final yards of our wedding race, we take solace in the fact that our love is as strong as ever, our life is good, and our intentions are good.

I will not do a full blog until after the wedding, but look out for a short DIY blog about a fun project I did: Wedding Advent Calendar!

My present blogging view (this is Cazenovia Lake, which is right down the street from our wedding location):

As I write this, one month ago today, NY Gov. Andrew Cuomo signed the Marriage Equality Bill into law.  I blogged about how amazing it was for Dave and me to watch this all unfold live.  Today we are hearing about the many already committed couples going to get their marriage licenses and the sense of love and equality in the air can only make us smile.

But even with all this good, I have this lingering sense that people are now thinking about our wedding differently – or to the point – more legitimately.   Laws do not change the love between two people…it does not make it stronger nor does it make it more real.  What it does do is to codify what we and many others have always known is true – that we should be able to be free to choose our partner and marry that person without interruption or interference from others.   But for some I think they are more able to ‘get on board’ now with us having the wedding because it is legal….as if prior we were wasting our money and time.  We had planned on going to Connecticut to get married after the wedding and none of our family thought it necessary to be with us…but some have said “you need to have someone there to legally marry you…we want to see that.”  And I know what they mean and I know it is because they love us…but having it legal or not does not change the fact that Dave and I will be sharing our love with them and that is what the marriage ceremony is about…it is not only about signing a document that says I can now claim David as my husband.

When people say that to me, it makes me wonder what they thought about our wedding prior to this…did they think it was some kind of stick and twig ceremony that was only meant to show how gay we are?  Nothing about our ceremony will change save for trying to get a justice of the peace there to do the legal bit of it.  So why the need to think of it different.  And why does that texture, of the justice of the peace, some how amplify the joy of the day.  For me that is a clinical piece of the wedding….kind of like having people watch me get dressed.  But….maybe I am down playing all of that.  Maybe the fact that it is legal and that people want to be there for that part means they want to say “we have always thought this to be true, we have always wanted this for you, and now we want to be there to see it happen.”

And I think that maybe my issue is not external but internal.  Maybe I have been the one who started to think of the wedding differently.  I know this will sound bad, but some part of me wishes Dave and I were starting now.  It might be a pragmatic thing – trying to find someone to do our wedding on such short notice on labor day weekend has not been easy.  But another part of me thinks that all those feelings we had in the beginning about whether people will consider it a ‘real’ wedding would have not of been a worry.  We could have stepped into this process as authentic as the next couple…and maybe that is what I am lamenting.  Maybe my issues with how other people have been talking about our wedding now taps into my fundamental fear that people did not consider our wedding real from the get-go.  I don’t believe that to be true, I really think people just want to see us get legally married, but I am not going to lie and say it does not give me pause when some talk about it with more legitimate terminology.

I know people may think me ungrateful for not being totally over the moon in this blog post given the subject.  But my issue is not with the passage , that is an amazing piece of history, but rather, I am just trying to reconcile why the passing of a law, which does not change how Dave and I feel about each other, somehow changes the concept of our wedding; in both my mind and others.

Maybe it does and maybe it doesn’t, but, frankly, it does not matter right?  We will do as we have done and we will be as we have been.

As I blogged about before, our first Thunderstorm was on Long Island.

We had our second Thunderstorm in Buffalo this past weekend.  Again, the weather gods were kind and we had a great day!  Dave’s sister and brother-in-law hosted it and we got to connect with a lot of our Buffalo family and friends.  We felt far less apprehensive, if at all, about this shower than our first one, I think in part because we had an idea of how the day would go.

We started off the day, however, poolside at our friend Katie’s house.  On the way we stopped at the farmer’s market by our old house in Buffalo, picked up some fresh cherries, raspberries, and baked goods.  And, for good measure, we stopped at McDonalds to augment our fresh morning picks (or rather, disaugment). It has been a long time since we were able to just hang out for the day and it was a really great feeling.   We are less than 2 months from our wedding, so more  and more our days are consumed by conversations about various details about the day, so it was nice to have a respite that involved conversations–or competitions?–about who has more famous people responding to their tweets. (I think I won with Anderson Cooper!)

After just enough sun and chlorinated water was had, Dave and I made our way back to his mom’s house, got ready and headed to his sister’s house for what was to be a great day!  As is the case with these types of parties there are always people from various parts of our life so mingling becomes important, if not necessary, which is just fine by us because we got to spend time with all of our friends and family that we often do not get to see.

Dave’s sister and brother-in-law did such a nice job with the party.  We are so grateful to them for putting so much effort into making our thunderstorm a success.  Of course, we had to play “make the grooms a tuxedo” game.  And, of course, Dave won, again!!  Oh, and I may of really liked one of our gifts!

Dave needs a tiara to open gifts, don’t we all?

If I can get a little sentimental for a moment, as we get closer, nay close, to the wedding,  I am overwhelmed by the sense that we have a very good life.  Whatever strife or adversity that we may encounter never overshadows the goodness that is the totality of our life.  As I think about our future together I understand, succinctly, that we will be able to make even better what we have already made good.  As I envision our day, there is a sense of calm and peace that is comforting.  This may well be my own wishful thinking…or otherwise know as delusion…:-)

So, given the proximity to our wedding date, I need to finish a couple things, one is my vows.  Any guidance on process from those who wrote their own vows?  Did you just write everything out, free-verse, then tighten it up?  Are quotes cheesy?  Your thoughts are appreciated.

Oh and Dave would like to know if it is wrong to quote Rick Astley “never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down…” and the song goes on.