So You're EnGAYged, A Gay Wedding Blog

As someone who’s always had a closet full of craft supplies, I love well-done DIY wedding decor, favors and accessories.  I’m not talking about draping tulle and fake flowers over doorways and tables, but the kind of things that Ms. Sparrow and Derek produce… something unique and sweet that expresses your personality and skill.   Over the last year or so, I’ve literally spent hours thinking of  little DIY touches that we could surprise and delight our guests with.

Now, this becomes a problem for several reasons:

1. I have an allergy to amateur-looking DIY.  I have extremely high standards for what I produce, especially if other people are likely, much less intended, to see it.  This means that I won’t even attempt half of the projects I’ve come up with because I hate not doing something well.

2. I’ve cut out a lot of fussy things that sometimes go along with weddings.  For instance, we’re not having assigned seating, so there’s no need for escort cards or table numbers.   There won’t be any ring pillows or unity candles or aisle decorations (aside from some pots of rust-orange mums on the pathway around the pond). Our table decorations will be minimal as well– the bridesmaids’  bouquets, the same pots of mums from the pathway, and some candles.   Although I like the idea of a ceremony and reception that are free of fussiness, less decoration means less opportunity for DIY.

3.  Both for financial and environmental reasons (which I’ll cover more in another post), I really want to avoid making or giving out things that will only be used once.  If I could, I’d have all the decorations and favors be things that would last the rest of our lives, but instead I’m okay with cutting down on decorations and giving out things that are intended to be reused.

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As mentioned before, I’m not dictating a particular dress for our female attendants—just giving them a paint chip and letting them pick whatever they’d like.  After a few trips to different dress stores, I’ve begun to see how this will come together—there’ll be a melange of different styles and some (hopefully slight) differences in color.  Here’s Heather in the dress style she’s chosen, which will be purchased in their burnt orange color:

photo by me

As she put it, it’s got just enough ‘funky’ to appease her and just enough ‘classic’ to make me smile.  She says she can imagine wearing it again to parties and other events, which is a great relief to me.  And just look at how cute she is in it!

Heather’s the only person for whom I have actual photos of them in their dress, but I can show you some of the other styles that have been decided upon:

Celanie (who will also wear burnt orange) has fallen in love with this retro little number:

Photo via Watters.

She looks amazing in it, like she just stepped off the set of “Mad Men,” and most importantly, she adores it—she didn’t want to take it off in the dress shop!  Celanie is the very definition of style maven, so I know that she’ll wear it again and again, and it’ll look fresh and different and stunning each time. Score!

Julie purchased this simple but pretty dress in cornflower blue:

Photo via Ann Taylor.

She’s all about accessories, so I can’t wait to see what she’ll pull together to wear with this.  I’m sure she’ll make it her own in a charming, memorable way.
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Well, after some negotiations with Stacy, I’ve gotten a promise that she won’t look at this entry (if you’re reading this, Stacy, remember, you promised!) so I’m finally able to share the pictures with you.

Here I am at the salon, trying the dress on for the first time:

I had tried on about five dresses before I got to this one, and I’ll admit that I kind of gave it the stinkeye when the saleslady brought it in, but when I put it on I was stunned by how elegant and comfortable it was. I think the A-line is really flattering, and of course the corset back doesn’t hurt either! I LOVE the detail at the front where the beading curves out and then the material fans downward.  It adds a little bit of an 1800’s feeling that I just adore.

I never thought in a million years that I’d pick a dress with so much beading, but it’s subtle enough that it complements the rest of the dress nicely. I also really like the amount of ruching- just enough to be complementary without being overwhelming. (No offense, but some of the dresses that are ALL ABOUT the ruching just make everyone look like they’ve been sealed in Saran Wrap, you know?)

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I’m writing this blog post from work, and I’m… well, I’m wearing my wedding dress.  Yep, I’m sitting in a folding chair in my quiet office, typing at my trusty Dell laptop with a pleasantly-tailored heap of diamond-white taffeta and delicate beading surrounding me, rather surprised that the sheer amount of fabric isn’t dulling the sound of my keystrokes.  I almost want someone to take a picture of me here so I can send it out to the company and say “tell me I’m not devoted to my job!”  You are completely within your rights if you’re thinking “WTF?”

I work at a small regional office of a national nonprofit, and the staff here is pretty close, so when they heard that my dress would be arriving at the office today, everyone got excited and insisted that I try on the dress when it came.  I didn’t need anyone to twist my arm, and when the package arrived an hour or so ago, I eagerly scurried into another room and dove into the tunnel of tulle. Our motherly office manager laced up the corset back, and everyone nearby gathered around to see.  I’m pleased to report that they all thought it was gorgeous, and I do too.  It’s classic and demure and elegant, but it’s got just enough whoa!-factor.

After everyone had commented, I was about to ask to be unlaced, but then I realized that three of my coworkers were at a meeting, and they would be really sad to have missed out on seeing me in the dress…  and it takes a pretty long time to unlace the dress, much less to lace me back into it again… so I had someone bring my laptop to me and sat down, in my dress, to do some work until they get back.  Hence, there’s a bride in the office.  While I’ve waited and worked, the non-traditional setting gave me the opportunity to do some thinking about dresses and weddings and the whole shebang in a non-traditional way.  Here’s some of the thoughts I’ve had:

1. Brides can’t be ninjas, at least not if their dresses are at all like mine.  Movements as small as an eighth of an inch in any direction cause the dress to say, quite loudly and distinctly, RUSTLE.  Not the attire best suited for sneakiness.
2. It would be really helpful if everyone had the opportunity to do this—spend a few hours just sitting in their dress/suit/whatever, just to get a sense of how it feels to spend most of your day in it.  For example, I now know that when wearing the dress for extended periods, I can breathe comfortably (something I’d been worrying about a little bit) but the beading on the top of the dress is a little irritating when it touches the inside of my upper arms.   I’ll need to bring some aloe vera or something with me on the day of the wedding.  Good thing to know!  Also, even though my shoulders are bare and the office is kind of chilly, I still feel warm enough.  Of course, October weather in Pittsburgh is notoriously hard to predict, so it’s still possible I’ll need a shawl of some kind, but I won’t be freezing in 55 or 60 degree weather.
3. A chapel-length train is really, really long.  When I tried the dress on in the store, I was in a much more restricted space with a lot of people in it, and the atmosphere was excited and intense… all of which distracted me from the fact that I have about four feet of fabric following me around wherever I go.  At the store, I thought I would probably just leave the dress as-is, but now there’s no question that I’ll need the seamstress to take off some of that tomfoolery back there.
4. It really is just a dress, one article of clothing out of thousands you’ll wear over the course of your life.  Society teaches us to attach a huge amount of emotion to it, but in the end it’s some fabric and thread, a blank canvas upon which you can project whatever you want.
5. With that said, I adore the dress, and as I was being laced into it, I started to realize how much time and attention goes into preparing someone on their wedding day.  I was overwhelmed by the thought of having everyone I care most deeply about with me on October 16.   Their support of me and Stacy truly means more than I can say, and even if I knock an entire glass of red wine down my front, fall down on the dance floor, and we’re toasted by someone who is themselves so toasted they’re burnt, I know it’ll still be one of the best days of my life.

Look, I don’t mean to knock tangible gifts– I’ve received some very nice ones over the years, and it can be great to have an object that reminds you of a certain moment.  However, there are plenty of reasons why now might be a good time to move away from storebought items:  maybe your income has been reduced in size or in stability.  Maybe you’ve been trying to be more conscious of how much stuff you buy and use, where it comes from, and what the cost is to the planet and to the people in the country who made it.   Maybe the whole wedding planning process has made you feel kind of like your relationship with your partner can be summed up by the color of the napkins you choose, or the graphic design on your invitations, or the favors you give your guests.

Each of those situations apply to Stacy and I to some degree, but to be honest I’ve always favored intangible gifts.  I really love giving Stacy an experience, encouraging her to feel peaceful and relaxed and loved in a variety of different ways.  Here are some of my favorites– and the reasons why they’re not cliches.  Keep in mind, these are often best when combined with one another.

Photo via flickr.

The love letter. Think about it: when was the last time you received a handwritten letter?  How surprised and delighted were you to see your name in someone’s handwriting, rather than Arial 12 or Helvetica 10.5?  I adore letters for many reasons, not least because there’s a physical connection between the writer and the recipient.  I’ll give you that there’s a tangible product in this one (the letter)… but the thing that makes it special is the intangible resources of your time, thought, and emotion that go into it.

A lot of people avoid writing letters because they don’t like their handwriting or they don’t know what to write, but these are easily fixable problems.  If you don’t care for the way your writing looks, you can either a) spend extra time making sure you write nicely, b) ask a calligrapher to write the letter for you, or c) read the letter aloud before giving it to your partner.  If you’re having trouble finding the words, keep in mind that in a world of flowery, overdone Hallmark cards, simplicity is a very powerful thing.  List the things you love about your partner, recount a favorite memory, share a hope you have for the future.  If you’re still struggling, go to the library or do a google search and find a classic love letter or poem to copy out.  Trust me, writing it out for your partner makes it personal for both of you.  Either way, your letter will be treasured, perhaps not just by your partner but by your future children and grandchildren as well.

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How do you know you’ve picked the right dress?  Well, one way to tell is if you squeal like a twelve-year-old when you get the email telling you that your dress has shipped.  And oh, did I squeal.  It’ll be here on Thursday, and I’ve already arranged to head to a bridesmaid’s house to try it on that night.  I also got what I’m planning to wear as my wedding necklace this week, meaning that I can take my first look at myself in the actual things I’ll wear on my wedding day.

Here’s the necklace and earrings I plan to wear:

Photo by us. (We forgot the date-stamp was on!)

(Worn with the dress I’ll be wearing to someone else’s wedding in a month or so.  Imagine I’m wearing something white and strapless instead!)

Here’s a closer shot of the necklace:

Photo by Stacy.

They’re available on Etsy for a really reasonable price, and the seller can change the length of the necklace and the color of the pearls to suit your taste.

And these are my beloved rainbow shoes:

Photo by Stacy.

I saw these on a style blog and immediately knew I had to have them– something I don’t say often, but I mean it here.  Aside from the obvious pride reference, they’re deeply meaningful to me because my middle name is– literally–Rainbow, and wearing rainbow colors makes me feel carefree and happy like I’m a kid again– definitely a feeling I’d like to inspire my wedding day.  My dress is long and fairly full, so these shoes will be a hidden flash of color (a modern trend I really like).  Plus, they cover my “something blue”!

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It’s funny that Ms. Sparrow should have posted about her wedding nightmares recently; I read it and thought how uncomfortable and stressful it would be to have those kinds of dreams, but felt pretty safe as my nightmares usually involve work, school, or similar subjects.  Little did I know that my subconscious was cooking up a doozy for me.

I dreamed last night that it was suddenly, unexplainable, the day of the wedding, even though it appeared to be summer and our wedding is in the fall.  Nothing was ready, we had no supplies, and it was taking place in a concrete park shelter instead of at my dreamy little pond.  All I had was my dress– and the sneakers I was wearing.  Friends and family were rushing to my aid, suggesting ways to make do with what we had, but I just sat down and bawled.  Then it started to storm, and I was caught out on a grassy stretch with several other people.  There was lightning so fierce that we all had to get down on the ground and crawl towards shelter so as not to be hit.   I was army-crawling in my wedding dress.

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Stacy and I have been fortunate enough in friendship that, for the most part, her friends are my friends and my friends are her friends, so we aren’t worrying too much about who’s a bridesman, groomsmaid, bridesmaid, groomsman, whatever.  We basically just have a wedding party of two guys and seven gals, all of whom we wanted to specially honor.  They’re all fantastic, caring people… with very different senses of style and body types.

I didn’t feel right dictating a dress for each of the ladies to wear, so at first I just assigned each of them a color (either burgundy, burnt orange, or cornflower blue) and asked them to pick something that they liked and would wear again, preferably in silk dupioni, silk shantung, or taffeta.  I specified the fabric restrictions  because I’ve seen a ton of chiffon and “satin” dresses that… well, honestly, they just looked cheap, and most times they distracted from the beauty of the person wearing them instead of enhancing it.  I also liked the idea of all of the dresses having the same sheen.

As it turned out, it’s pretty hard to find a reasonably priced silk or taffeta dress, which is probably why so many people wear the other fabrics.  I had been out hunting online and in stores for months, and although I found some gorgeous dresses, the prices were steep, and I felt very uncomfortable asking the girls to fork over close to $300.  The colors I picked are specific enough that their choices were pretty slim as well.  So, after some hemming and hawing over the holidays, I decided to take the fabric restrictions off.  After all, why should the people I love best have to bend over backwards and pay through the nose for something as silly as a dress?  The important thing is that they’re there, and that they’re willing to show up in an assigned color is just a bonus.

The guys… well, I would say that the guys are easy, since they’ve said that they’re fine with renting whatever suit we choose.  Except that I’d really like them to match what Stacy wears… and Stacy’s having some trouble picking what she wants to wear. She’s been perusing the ‘real weddings’ section on this site like she’s Anna Wintour. I laid down one law (No tuxedos! if my guests want to see penguins, they can go to the Aviary) and expressed my preference for a tan suit (which is based on the outfits for that ubiquitous but awesome wedding entrance dance video.  Aren’t these guys handsome?  And the dresses aren’t too far off from my colors! Look at them! http://www.jkweddingdance.com/ ).   All the same, I know that the outfits should be Stacy’s choice, and I’m sure she and the guys will look amazing in whatever she picks.

Those of you who read my engagement story will know that a lot of important moments in Stacy and I’s relationship have occurred in Pittsburgh’s public parks, so it made sense to hold our wedding in one of them.  We originally wanted to have it in Frick Park, but logistical issues ruled that out, so we decided to hold it in Schenley Park, another huge, beautiful, and beloved piece of public land.  The reception venue was an easy choice: the beautifully restored Schenley Park Visitor Center.

Image via Flickr.

The first thing that made the Visitor Center a no-brainer is that it’s only a couple minutes’ walk away from our ceremony site (more details on that soon!).  It’s the perfect size for an intimate 60-person wedding like ours, and I love the turn-of-the-century feeling of the building.  We were thrilled to discover that because it’s small, it fits perfectly into our budget! I’ll take some pictures of the interior to share the next time we’re there, but for now you can imagine wood and stone and lots of windows.

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Ah, Facebook.  The sweetness of camaraderie and the agony of drama, all in one tidy little package.  I resisted joining for a long time because I felt it would be little but a distraction and an annoyance (see also: Myspace).  I forget what inspired me to join, but whoa nelly, have I ever taken a shine to it since I did.  It’s been wonderful to reconnect with old friends and family members who don’t live nearby, and I love having one central place to share links, news, and discussions with almost everyone I talk to.  I’ve even “met” a few new friends there.  I think it’s fair to say that I’ve become a convert… and I’ll be happy when Stacy finally sees the light and gets an account.  (AHEM.  Hint hint.)

However, with all the information flying around there, you’re bound to occasionally learn something you wish you hadn’t about a friend or family member (and I’m not even referring to the health conditions that some people apparently feel are worth a status update).  I recently learned that someone I’ve known since childhood is against gay marriage, and I’ve been really wrestling with how to address the subject ever since that dastardly little tidbit popped up in my News Feed.

Even though this person isn’t someone that I regularly see, and so I’m not exceedingly hurt by their position, I definitely believe on many levels that it’s my responsibility to say something.  First of all, I consider being GLBT something to celebrate, and I believe we should always speak our truths.  Secondly, I think that the only real way people who discriminate against us will ever change their minds is through personal contact, and as such I choose to be an ambassador for the GLBT community if the opportunity comes up.  It gets harder to discriminate against an entire section of the population if that section is made up of faces and names, especially faces and names that are familiar and well-liked.

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