Hi I’m Tabitha and I write a blog called Ms. Awesome: Pretty, Witty, & Gay. It started out as a wedding planning blog, and has morphed into a personal/lifestyle/design blog where I share my thrifty finds, crafts, recap our wedding, and occasionally get serious. I’m obsessed with language, beautiful light, books, and being nice. I found So You’re Engayged shortly after we were, ahem, engaged, and it’s one of my biggest blog heros, so I’m extremely excited (and a little nervous) to write a guest post over here! I hope you enjoy it and hope to see more of you in the future! :)
I didn’t have a groom. Or a Fiance with one “e” for that matter. If I contacted you about my wedding, my groom must have seemed extremely uninvolved, woefully uninterested, absent even. I hope you didn’t pity me too much. Or worse, think it normal. But I digress. I didn’t have a groom. So I’m not quite sure why the contract you sent over had a line for bride/groom…. Sound familiar? Never thought about it?
Just to be extra confusing, I don’t like the term partner.
You don’t like it either right? Truthfully?
It doesn’t give you the same shivery, meltsbeforeitrollsoffyourtongue excitement that throwing around the big H bomb or finally calling *that girl* your wife does. It isn’t heavy with all the love, commitment, expectations, and stereotypes, both good and bad, of a long long history.
It is wonderfully neutral, that Partner.
And perfect when addressing a mixed crowd.
And so when I am writing for an audience, or speaking in a general sense, I will use the word partner. I will ask what you and your partner did this weekend at the end of a blog post. I will always choose words that are inclusive, because I don’t know you, dear reader, with your deep dark secrets and affinity for calling your partner beloved or cupcake.
But now that I am married, to talk about my own partner, I use the word wife.
We can not enjoy all the legal benefits of our union, but we can enjoy the semantic ones. And the raised eyebrows.
And every upward arch is just a hair closer to normalizing a woman with a wife.
Because words are powerful. Cynthia is my wife and everything that comes with it. Including the sex. Because partners don’t really sound like they have sex right? Or if they do, you imagine it might be bad for business or lead to a lawsuit…
Don’t get me wrong- I like the idea of “partner.” I get the idea of it. But let’s be honest, if straight folks use husband/wife, and I use partner, well, it’s pretty darn obvious which one of us is gay right? And yes, I understand that in some make-believe utopia everyone will use the word partner. And wear bad tennis shoes with their suits on the way to the office. (were the 90’s that utopia?!!)
And I’m fine with being the obviously gay one too. Just to clear that up.
But I am sick of mentally swapping husband for wife (or cupcake) when I’m reading my daily blogs.
I do it. You do it. It’s not gonna kill us, but I think we’re better than that. And I think the writers of my favorite blogs are better than that too. They just don’t know it yet, or more likely, they haven’t thought about it.
It’s as simple as changing “What’d you get your hubby for some holiday” to “What’d you get your partner/significant other/better half for some holiday” and as complicated and profound as pondering if every two-woman wedding is also a two-bride wedding. It’s a delicious semantic wilderness with one hell of a grey forest that we need to start exploring as we move towards a language of inclusion here in Wedding Blog World.
And in real life too.
The word partner is used by both my straight and LGBTQ-identified friends. I appreciate it because it IS gender-neutral, as my partner is a transmasculine queer butch, not a woman. So while, even in gay land, it makes sense to acknowledge that there are brides and grooms, I think approaching all of this from a gender neutral standpoint is the most intelligent and universally fair approach.
I also don’t understand why you wink-nudged the readers of this blog into agreeing that the word partner is not a preferred or likable word. It felt kind of insulting, especially to people who fall under the umbrella of this blog’s readership who are not cisgendered.
This is beautifully written, and so thoughtful. I was just discussing the use of the word “wife” the other day with a friend of mine. She hates it. She hates it enough to dislike certain blog’s use of it in blog names and Post-Category names.
That’s her hang-up, she tells me. She was married in a hetero marriage and is now engaged to her long-term girlfriend, so the word is probably more negatively-charged for her than it is for me. Personally, I like the words the way you do, Tabitha. They feel full of all that I love about our relationship and want for our future.
But I will most definitely aim to make certain that I am using inclusive words in my blog writing when addressing readers. Because some like nuts and some don’t. :D
I was at a wedding this past weekend and was pleasantly surprised to be asked by a fellow guest (a stranger), in a non-judgmental way, if I would prefer that she addressed Angela as my partner or wife.
Both are perfectly acceptable but I prefer wife. And while the title clearly doesn’t represent everyone, it is representative of Angela and it is representative of me. Plus I love showing off our level of commitment in a hetero-focused society.
Hey Meaghan!
Wow, so sorry to insult and in no way meant that partner isn’t a preferred or likable word OR that it isn’t gender neutral. I think I specifically said that it IS wonderfully neutral. And I meant that. Also I hoped to convey that I personally DO use the word in a general sense and would encourage other people to do so as well. That was the point of the post, actually.
However, in a specific/personal sense the word doesn’t work for me for a lot of reasons, the main one being that NOT everyone around me uses the word, so in my case, it really singles me out as other. Also, in that context it feels “less than.” That’s just my personal experience though, and was meant in no way to insult, wink-nudge or pass judgement on your personal experience or the readers of this blog.
My wife is my wife. Partner gets confusing because straight people use it too.
A Good Read! I often wonder how people will deal. I dont boast but I dont deny! Thanks!
‘Wife’ is also my word of choice. Although most people are often confused when I first throw out the word, a few seconds of processing time and they figure it out. Partner, I try to avoid that word. I feel like I am conceding when I use it, trying to make the homophobic more comfortable in our evolving world.
so interesting…as a straight woman, i use (and will continue to use after we’re married) “partner” for my fiance for two reasons:
1. i like it better. i’ve known a few husbands who are crap partners or, like, not partners at all- they’re just guys who bought rings. mr. pd is more of a “husband” than 99% of actual husbands that i know. so “partner” seems semantically accurate for what he is to me.
2. it seems to throw some people off when i use partner- like they’re mentally considering if i’m gay. i’m not trying to trick them or something, but i DO like the idea of subverting “straight” as the de facto sexuality that people assume about me, or anyone.
okay, love ya tab!
prairiedog ;)
I prefer Wife/Husband I hate when people say “PARTNER” this aint no bonnie and Clyde we are a married couple so its either husband/wife…SN: Am still virtious and single so dont mind me using the word “WE”
This is a very interesting post. I use husband sometimes (as a straight woman), but I also use partner. My reasons are similar to emery’s above. I like the partnership aspect that the word “husband” just doesn’t convey. When asking about someone’s significant other (whom I don’t know well enough to be aware of his/her personal preference) I default to partner. I’m pretty good at remembering peoples’ preferred terms, so going forward I use whatever they use. I like the inclusiveness of partner and wish the partnership characteristic for everyone, regardless of whether you prefer husband/wife/younameit. Thanks for a thought provoking post!
so…i don’t know if this is a southern thing or just a personal issue, but i have never yet heard a straight person use the word “partner” in a husband/wife kind of way. as such, calling my jamie my partner makes me ill, even though she’s genderqueer, and i feel like “wife” is not the most accurate description.
i suppose the linguistic difference – to me – comes down to:
Wife – “fuck you and fuck the legalities – i am married!!!”
Partner – “i’m married, and now it’s really, really obvious that i am really gay, but if it would make you more comfortable, we could all pretend that i’m not.”
so, yeah, linguistics are important. and i think there are cultural differences in what words mean where. and, for the record, calling her “my mister” is still my favorite, but i’m a little shy about it around folks who are not her.
Partner is in use in the UK for straight couples. I think it also really depends on which circles you travel, whether it in the states or abroad. I know several straight people who refer to their husbands as their partners.
I’m not married, but my other half has been called my partner, my girlfriend, and even jokingly my husband. If/when we do tie the knot, I’m leaning towards my wife, because that’s the closest to how I feel.
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