I grew up in a large household, the youngest of 5 boys – they used up all the testosterone. When you grow up in a big family it is easy to get lost among the day to day running of a household, but my parents were good about making sure each of us knew our worth. I credit them with many of the good attributes that I can claim, and some of the bad…the latter includes my obsession with food! They instilled in me that happiness is the most important thing in life. That without it, there is little to work for. They taught me to live within my means– which runs contrary to the gay male guide book, and thusly I made a stop over in Debt-ville, which is the second stop past High Credit Limit Junction. That it is important to respect myself and others. And lastly, and most impressed upon me, that, to steal a line my father used over and over again, “blood is thicker than water.”
Growing up in an all Italian family my father saw his family members choose grudges over each other more often than not. And he himself having an estranged relationship with his sister, knew how easily family can combust. And I think that prompted him to always tell us that we have to love each other, through thick and thin, that family will be the only thing left if everything else falls away.
I know for some gay folks, family is not always a positive word, but for me, and Dave, it has been. I cannot tell you the ways I am happy to be born into my family. While we all have things that we could work on, if ever I need anyone, my brothers will be there for me…I was the best protected kid in my town! That knowledge that I have people around me to help when I need is such a reassuring feeling and why it is very important that I imbue family into our wedding.
I am half Italian and half Irish, but, beyond the food, I grew up with more knowledge of my Irish heritage than of my Italian. My mom did a lot of research on her side of the family, tracing back in the 1400s in Ireland. The ability to connect to our past, particularly with names and places, has always been a stabilizing part of my life. The fact that I knew where my great grandmother was born and where she worked and got to see her Teaching Certificate gives a sense of continuity that I am grateful for. And while I never met her I have been under her tutelage since I was a kid. My mom was given to saying “as my grandmother would say…” Her best line, as case in point about the past commenting on the present, when the Tonya Harding story was all around my mom noted, “As my grandmother used to always say: garbage in, garbage out.” These sayings and teachings not only make up a quirky growing up experience but remind me that life is short, that no matter how hard we try, our time is limited and you can never make people around you last longer than they will.
And ultimately this is what I want our wedding to appreciate. It will be another milestone where my family is all in the same room, making collective memories. The idea that our nieces and nephews will remember ours as I did of weddings past is a warming notion. That Dave and I get to be memory makers gives us a sense of worth.
As I get older, and those around me get older, it has become more and more important that I take time to be present with my family. It isn’t enough to see them, but I need to get to know them, as best I can. Our wedding will allow our family to get to know us better. I have been away from home since 2004, and have done much of my maturation during that time, so the wedding will be a time for my family to see me as I have become, outside of the confines of my home town.
Like I have said previously we are not having a wedding party, but it was important for me to have someone from my family give a toast and I picked my immediate older brother Frank. Beyond being good at it and funny, I can count on him to make sure his speech will be touching with a soupcon of inappropriateness.
Getting past the worrying about linen colors, flowers arrangements, DJ, photographer, etc (which are all very important) we need to remember what has come before and what will remain: family–as broadly defined as possible. I consider many of our friends family, in-so-far as they benefit from this simple promise: I will be there when you need me.
Since we are in the home stretch it has become increasingly clear to us that we need to be mindful of the purpose of our wedding. That our wish to stand before those that love us, is not only an integral part of our journey but also a poignant way of us saying to them: we love you too.
I remember your mom always playing the Irish music. The most depressing music EVER! But it left a lasting impression. Over the past few weeks I think we’ve all thought about family more so than we have in the past, but I know from my point of view, I was only looking at all the great, positive moments that we’ve all shared. With plenty more…starting with your wedding!
Thanks Katie! Yes this year will be a great one for babies and weddings!