This afternoon we had a brief discussion via email about our wedding registry. Refer to my previous post about registering at Macy’s here.
I give you a guest post by my sweetie, Nat. Here’s a photo of her and our adorable niece, Isabel.
Nat and Isabel
One component of getting married that I had never thought about before is the wedding registry. I am the kind of person who used one plate, one fork, one bowl, two glasses, and a frying pan for all of the years I was single, so asking for gifts felt a little uncomfortable to me.
But, it is a tradition, and I know people will want to give gifts, so we went ahead and made a registry. When we made it, we were very intentional about what we put on there. Sure, maybe the ice cream maker isn’t really a necessity, but things like plates, silverware, and towels are. Between the two of us, we had nothing that was matching and we are severely lacking in some areas. We picked items over a spectrum of price ranges and really didn’t go nuts about anything. Sure, the Dyson Ball vacuum cleaner is a dream item, but it’s still something we need and would use.
As the gifts started to come in, I began to get more interested than I would have originally thought. Most of the stuff was spot on—nice drinking glasses, finally! A down comforter—thanks Maggie! A real suitcase—wow. I actually began to get excited about the gifts and I never get excited about stuff. Ask Sarah, I never buy things for myself, and when I do, it’s only things like clothes or shoes that I wear frequently. Things, for me, need to be practical.
So, it was quite a surprise to me how I felt when I received a gift that was not on the registry. I could not understand why someone would go off list. Isn’t that why we made the list? Am I missing something here? Sure, buying us an off-list Picasso would be nice, but a kitchen appliance? Maybe a garlic press isn’t that sexy of a gift, but Sarah cooks with garlic all the time and would love to have one.
I then found myself getting pretty ticked off. Sure, maybe someone loves his fancy juice maker, but the reason I didn’t put it on my registry is probably because I don’t like to drink juice. I hate to put it so crudely, but this is my wedding. It kind of doesn’t matter what everyone else wants, you know? This is the start of my life with my new wife and I am pretty darn sure we know what we need more than anyone else does.
So, now I am torn. First of all, I feel like a total bitch. People aren’t even required to give presents, so why should I be a registry Nazi and frown upon off-list gifts? Then, I feel a little embarrassed because it’s not really like me to care about material possessions anyway. And then I get indignant because it seems selfish to me that people would get something they like when we clearly indicated we liked. And then I just feel a little sad because I would use that tea kettle I put on the list nearly every day, and no one seems the least bit interested in actually getting it for us.
What are others’ thoughts on this matter? Would you stick to a list when giving? How would you feel if you received gifts that were off-registry and not what you need?
I am not one to normally stick strictly to the registry for a couple of reasons, sometimes people are really stuck in their comfort zone and haven’t had experience with some products so they don’t know how great a $20 turkish cotton towel really is or that it will last 10 years instead of 4 and dry them off lickity split… Or they may not think that a serving dish is useful until 2 years down the road when they are hosting Thanksgiving and pulling it out reminds them of their wedding…I think sentiment and experience are really important parts of gift giving.
And with all of that I usually get at least something of the registry that coordinates with my off registry purchase. In the end though the gifts are generally coming from a good place, if you have a receipt and you hate the gift return it, but maybe they have experienced something that you haven’t and they are trying to share something you will end up loving.
Registries are suggestions for stuff people could buy you. People don’t always follow suggestions. One of my friends told me the best wedding gift she got was a gift card to a fancypants local restaurant because it meant they had to leave their house and have nice time together they wouldn’t normally.
Also, I bet they included a gift receipt, so you could always return it for credit and get what you really want.
For me it boils down to “hey don’t waste your money on something I won’t use!” the registry is supposed to take the guess work out of it for people. Dont feel bad. I’d feel the same way. Regift it or exchange it!
I’ve struggled with this same problem — but in a little different way.
I am getting married in October, so am now to the point where I’ve made a registry or two. For my fiancée and I, it was somewhat hard to figure out things we actually cared about receiving as gifts. We have lived together in our home for 5 years now, and don’t need much of the things most couples register for, ie pots and pans and towels, etc.
I tried to take my personal experience into consideration when adding things to our registry — we have been in a few weddings and been to a handful more, so as a person who has bought a gift or two, I knew that not everyone goes off of the registry. I have always looked at the couple’s registry, but sometimes I either have a gift in mind that I think they would need/want/use or or felt that the things they registered for were added just because they had to register for something (like us).
So — I think my point is that people don’t use the registries the same way, and I think more often than not, people try to take the couple into consideration more than the things they registered for — in our case, there are things on our registries that we would love to have, and most that we could live without :)
buying registry gifts makes me feel a bit thoughtless – at least if i know the person in question particularly well.
but i also greatly prefer giving “no occasion, but i saw this and thought of you” gifts than birthday or christmas gifts – and prefer receiving them as well. i guess i’m just a surprises person =)
p.s. such a cute photo!
“I hate to put it so crudely, but this is my wedding. It kind of doesn’t matter what everyone else wants, you know? This is the start of my life with my new wife and I am pretty darn sure we know what we need more than anyone else does.”
Wow, this sounds REALLY rude to me. People are giving you gifts. There’s no obligation to give you a gift, and there’s certainly no reason to buy you exactly what you asked for, just like any other gift-giving occasion. Lots of people prefer to buy off-registry gifts because it’s a way to show that they put thought into your gift. It’s easy to click “buy” on an item on your registry. It takes a lot more thought and personalized attention to come up with a unique gift. And yes, sometimes those gifts miss the mark big and are not something that you would ever want in your home, but chances are that the person buying it for you had very good intentions. Maybe it was something that they always wished they had, or that they’d found very useful. Or maybe it was something that reminded them of you for some reason. Or maybe it’s a tradition for them/their family to give a certain type of gift for weddings. Or maybe they’re just crazy and have awful taste. But regardless, it’s a gift, and it’s your responsibility to accept it and write a lovely thank you note. And then you can figure out the likelihood of that person ever visiting your home and decide whether you can return/resell/regift it. :)
While I’ve never created my own registry, I’m iffy on them in general. That being said, I do think that its nice to stick to the registry if you’re buying an item similar to the one the couple requested. So, if I really wanted to buy a couple towels, I would get the ones they wanted, not the ones I think that they would want.
But I also think that people should be able to buy a couple the gift that they want to give. While some of these items may end up being returned (like you, a juicer would go straight back!) I also think people that know the couple well can often think of more thoughtful gifts than the couple may register for.
Nope i wouldnt do the traditional gift giving..monetary gifts would be best, wherein you buy all the “NECESSARY” stuff u guys need…the few straight weddings I have been to in the last 2 years thats what i saw, written in the invitations and when you arrive at the ceremony there is a wedding bell basket where you drop your checks..oops i means GIFTS lol….thats just my opinion though.
Humbling thoughts:
1) What if the person who gifted you this off-reigstry item couldn’t afford much else and this item just happened to be available and within their budget as well as being something they genuinely thought you could use?
2) Do you really believe this person had any intent on upsetting the brides for giving an off-registry gift?
3) Perhaps such a gift item had meaning to it and they wanted to share that with you.
4) In the grand scheme of things being bothered by not getting what you wanted off your toy list seems petty and ridiculous. You are getting married. You are embarking on the rest of your life with the one you love. You are making a home and building the foundation to raise a healthy and happy family. You have the luxury of getting married to begin with. You have all the bare necessities you’ve ever needed as is and you’ve gotten along JUST FINE.
In short: Pssst… your bridezilla is showing!
I had the exact same thing happen to us. We had a very small gift registry and then had a pretty extensive honeymoon registry. We both had 3 bedroom households before we met, so we had most everything we NEEDED, but we wanted new towels and a non-mismatched set of dishes. We were very careful to only list items we really wanted and would use. But what we really wanted was help with our honeymoon, which most people helped out either with cash or on our registry site.
My mother-in-law and new sister were the only ones who didn’t go with any of the above options. I can understand a well-thought-out-off-registry gift if the person knows us really well and bought us something else they knew we really wanted.. OR if it went with one of the registry gifts. But we got a set of coffee mugs and a candle from sister, and a personalized set of acrylic beer mugs, peanuts and a box of specialty beer from mom. Which would have been an ok gift if I drank coffee or beer, ate peanuts, or used candles… I really felt like they didn’t take my tastes into their gift purchase AT ALL!
So I completely understand where you’re coming from. And my Macy’s registry was ALL martha stewart
OMG -Hilarious Nat! You sure have riled the roost. You may be surprised by the amount of cash you could receive. PS A little hint, usually the stores with registries will send y’all a coupon for like 15%-20% off the rest of your registry a month down the road. So if there is anything you just want (knowing no one will buy it) throw it on there now so you can get it onsale!
I wouldn’t worry too much. Return it, I’m sure they would prefer you to return it and get something you will use, than stick the useless appliance in storage somewhere.
Thanks for everyone’s responses. SO interesting to hear the different opinions.
pennies, a couple of ‘em:
I’d say accept whatever everyone gives you and buy the one or two things they didn’t get you, yourselves. This may sound raunchy but… I’d say eBay whatever you wouldn’t want/need/use. Ha!
HA HA TOO BAD NAT! I love you and your wife and I KNEW you would use that griddle A LOT (which you already have….or at least she has). I promise you’ll be enjoying waffles, bacon, eggs, paninis, grilled meats, and the like for years to come. I could have bought you some towels, some dishes, luggage, or your tea pot, but you would forget who bought it for you a couple years from now. Yes I AM SELFISH damn it….I want you to remember what I gave you! Every time you look at that griddler you will think about ME. The best friend who went off the registry. Love you!!!!!
P.S. If you haven’t got that tea pot already, I’ll buy it for your birthday!