Something I’ve realized as we’ve started planning the wedding is that as accepting as our friends and family are about two ladies getting married, it’s just not that popular in the larger wedding industrial complex. I mean, duh. I know that, you know that. We all are painfully aware that the struggle for marriage equality continues to be a tough fight, even though attitudes in the public are shifting towards equality (thanks, NY!). However, I was naively unprepared for facing the fact, over and over again, that what Anne and I are doing is so revolutionary! My revelation (and later revolution) started online, as they often do. While I had of course turned to So You’re Engayged (way before our actual engagement) and other awesome wed-sites like A Practical Wedding, (who just did an awesome LGBTQ series featuring some familiar SYE voices, and who will be doing some more marriage equality stuff on the horizon) I also wanted some organizational tools to help me figure out “How to have a (gay) wedding.”
I started my internet-based wedding planning at the mothership, TheKnot.com. I went there because it seemed the thing to do, and because I had heard they featured gay weddings. I signed up for an account and only two days after getting engaged I was apparently way behind – I had like 197 overdue items on my Knot checklist! I had sort of hoped for the best when we got to sign up as “bride” and “bride” on the login page. But the equality ended there, save for a quick mention on the not-updated-very-often Real Gay Weddings page. Instead, I had to go through my super-over-due checklist and manually delete all the “groom” stuff, even though I never signed up for a groom! I found more of the same on similar sites, and concluded they all really just want to make a buck. Whether it be on one bride and one groom or two of each, they wanted to sell me the dream of the perfect wedding – the perfect bride(s), the perfect groom(s), and the perfectly monogrammed napkins. It wasn’t for me, in so many ways.
I was disheartened at having to put in the extra effort, but was still basking in the glow of love and support from our friends and family so I plodded on. I started talking with vendors by phone and email, I found myself using gender-neutral language, saying partner and we and all that ambiguous stuff. I don’t know what I was trying to do, trick them? So that on the wedding day I could be like “Surprise! We’re both chicks!” I spoke with a coordinator at one site, who congratulated me on finding Mr. Right. I was met with a few extra beats of silence at another when I asked if they’d done same sex weddings before (the answer was unsurprisingly No). And at David’s Bridal, when asked for my groom’s name and whether we’d be looking at tuxes, I responded actually it’s two brides and no thank you on the tuxes and the salesgirl froze and then nervously turned to her manager (I still get calls and postcards from the Men’s Warehouse via David’s asking if my husband has picked out a suit yet. First of all, it’s not a husband until you’re married. And second of all, I don’t want a husband or a suit!). I realized I had to step up my game.
I felt like it was unfair that I had to constantly come out to strangers, explain my relationship and our roles (Q: which one is the bride? A: Uh, both of us?). I guess I had forgotten that we are two women, two brides. We have been, at least for the past few years, surrounded by support and acceptance and haven’t really had to struggle with much homophobia, and not even much heteronormativity in any formal way. I hadn’t thought of our lives as being particularly revolutionary, or alternative, or political. But every time I was asked for my groom’s name or had to correct their “he’s” with “she’s,” I realized that what we are doing – committing to a lifetime with each other – is really rocking the world’s boat a little bit. Like a good feminist, I was really getting another life lesson in how the personal is political, and together we were certain that our personal choices were going to support our political beliefs in equality.
I shifted my approach after that. I right off the bat asked vendors about their experiences with same-sex weddings, and I didn’t penalize them if they didn’t have any. Instead, I then asked about their position on marriage equality, like so:
Have you photographed/hosted/worked at same sex weddings before? If so, could we see a sample of your work from these events? If not, what is your stance on marriage equality? We are looking to include local vendors who truly support marriage equality in all aspects of our celebration, so it’s important that we ask and have an opportunity to discuss this with you. Thanks and we look forward to hearing from you!
Some vendors didn’t email back (an obvious lack of support, or at least a lack of good customer service). Some simply said they didn’t have a stance on marriage equality, so I thanked them and hung up after telling them that I think they’d benefit from learning more about it and that I’d be taking my business to a vendor who supports it/me/us. And so many more than I expected responded with heartfelt support and a total endorsement of their belief in the importance of marriage equality. I could tell that for many of them, it wasn’t just about making a buck off the gays. It was truly about supporting love and marriage in all its forms, in allowing equality to grow and flourish. Unsurprisingly, those are the vendors we’re working with – the ones who are beyond cool about us being two brides (and while I hate the fact that we have to seek acceptance from people we are paying to do work for us, it’s nice to know these people aren’t too hard to find. Just check the SYE Vendor list for a start!).
Our photographers totally passed the essay portion of the test by responding to my initial inquiry with: “We photographed a same sex wedding this past year and I can definitely show you some images! Both of us believe that marriage equality is a basic civil right and wholeheartedly support your cause. We would love to be part of capturing your love and this celebration of it!” I was disappointed not to see photos of a same sex wedding on their website, but loved that they sent us hundreds of photos of the wedding they had just recently shot with two lovely brides. Just recently, when I told them I was blogging and wanted to take the opportunity to encourage them to become SYE approved vendors, they noted that they will be updating their website soon to better reflect the diversity of their clients (I may need to push a little more to get them to fill out the application!). Our reception site has hosted a number of same-sex weddings before (one of which was not featured on their website but proudly displayed on their photographer’s webpage), but their wedding coordinator there was very open? accepting? normal? to us and even offered suggestions for how to get two brides down the aisle. When we went to register, I was ready for a battle when I had to cross out “groom” on all the paperwork and then was handed a tote bag with two beaming straight couples pasted onto the sides, but our registrant Linda gave us a hearty “congratulations” and said she was so happy for us. She seemed genuine, even if she only wanted us to sign up for nice towels and a salad bowl. Our DJ simply congratulated us and started talking about music. Importantly, our vendors have all used gender-neutral/gender-inclusive language in their contracts. In doing so they have, intentionally or otherwise, joined us in our revolutionary act of love.
So, lovely readers – Did you know that you are part of a revolution?!? How awesome is that? Or, how much does it suck to have to fight to love someone? How have you dealt with your own expectations, others’ reactions, the wedding industrial complex at large? Any surprises, for better or worse?
Another great piece, Lee! I tweeted it.
I had a similar uncomfortable experience with David’s Bridal – the best thing to do with places like that is to go in with unrelenting confidence and a team of vocal supporters! Also, just say no to the accessories. If you ever need me to be part of your posse, just let me know! :)
I LOVE this post and could not agree more. Thank you so much for sharing! I hear this from couples all the time and have been training wedding professionals around the country about these very issues. I’ll reprint on my http://www.GayWeddingInstitute.com blog if that’s OK!
Hi Bernadette,
I’d be happy for you to link to my post as long as you credit me and So You’re Engayged. Thanks for sharing!
Leanne
I really liked this article but I ask the author to please have some patience with us straight planners. This is new territory and as excited as we are for marriage equality as it pops up state to state. Its still all new. When vendors assume that there is a bride and a groom it should not be taken as they do not support marriage equality but instead it is just a simple reflex of dealing with same sex couples for years and years. Hopefuuly we will all evolve and grow as gay marriages become more and more common place. But please help us to help you. We are all in this together. :)
I love your ballsy approach about asking people’s stance on marriage equality! Talk about making them put their mouth where the money is!
This was really interesting to read! My partner and I are getting married a few weeks after y’all (in North Carolina) and seem to be in a similar place in terms of the planning.
We’ve actually had an awesomely positive experience planning the wedding, even at David’s Bridal. My fiancee came with me for moral support (she’s wearing pants and a vest), and the sales people seemed slightly flustered but generally great, and were very helpful and professional. I ended up getting a dress online from them but definitely still get the Men’s Warehouse stuff in the mail, which we’ve taken with a grain of salt.
For the venue, we knew another same-sex couple getting married there this past spring, so we asked them for details and then met with the owner, who was great.
As far as other vendors, I’ve had a lot of luck asking for suggestions via Facebook friends. We got an awesome, super LGBT-supportive photographer that way, as well as someone to do my hair.
In the initial emails to potential vendors, we refer to the other person by name (to let them know we’re two ladies) and then also have tacked a sentence onto the end that says something along the lines of “We’re a same-sex couple, so if you have any issues with this, please let us know.” So far, everyone’s either enthusiastically written back with the information we’ve requested or said something along the lines of “that’s totally great and we’re totally on board with this.” We actually haven’t had anyone not reply or say that it’s an issue, which has been really a pleasant surprise.
Since we haven’t worked too much with big-box or mainline retailers (except for DB and registries), we’ve been able to talk individually with folks to make sure they (and their company) are gay friendly. In our experience, most everyone has been really supportive of same-sex weddings, but many just hadn’t been given the opportunity to work with a gay couple before. And since an anti-gay constitutional marriage amendment is likely to come up in NC later this year, I like to think that we’re doing our part to put it on their radars by showing folks that there are still gay people here who are going to join their lives together regardless of the legal status!
Great Post. Equal rights are for everyone and it is my hope that my loved ones will secure the right to marry. Wouldn’t it be awesome if wedding professionals would band together to rid the laws of prejudice and bigotry?
I’m a photographer and have heard other photographers denying service to gay couples…. it drives me nuts how can they discriminate?
I love everything I have read on SYE so far, but this post really hit home. My partner and I have had vendors enthusiastically respond to our initial inquiries only to completely stop emailing us once they found out or better yet (my favorite) tell us that they can’t photograph/make a cake/provide a venue because they think that our sexuality is immoral and goes against their values (can you tell that we live in the Bible Belt?!)
However, we have been very lucky with the vendors that we have chosen; many have worked with SS couples before or are at least incredibly stoked to have us as clients.
It is very revolutionary, these weddings that we are planning. But, in true gay fashion, they are beautiful, fabulous revolutions. :)
Best of luck,
Caitie
i loved this post. it is so true and i think it’s awesome that you created a “script” to ask potential professionals – i found myself doing a very similar thing to you – in calling my fiance my “partner” just to avoid confrontation or potential discrimination at first. but then, just like you, realized, what am i protecting myself from? if i’m considering hiring them to work for me for MY GAY WEDDING, why not be up front right away? oh, planning a gay wedding, so much to learn!!
I really enjoyed this post – we’ve had very similar experiences, particularly at David’s Bridal. My partner Kate and I went in together and there were plenty of awkward moments – especially when the salesperson exclaimed, “how nice that you’re getting married on the same day!” and then finally realized that it was to each other.
I also find myself slipping into gender neutral language with some of the vendors, and I don’t really know why. I love the idea of asking them up front if they support marriage equality :)
Good luck!!
Jen
As videographer I like to think I capture love and that love is love is love. But it’s really helpful to be reminded of some of the challenges LGBT couples face so that I am more careful with my language.
Thanks for the insight, I’m passing it on (with credit).
Congratulations!
Marion
We can totally relate. We went to a venue to check the place out and as the coordinator was showing us where the ceremony would take place, she kept saying, “And this is where the bride and groom will stand” – to our faces. My honey and I looked at each other and were like, “Really? Lady? Look who you’re talking to here.”
We started Ladyfingers Letterpress because we understand what this struggle is like and want couples to feel comfortable with us and the process of planning and designing their wedding invitations! We donate 10% of every order to the Human Rights Campaign to ensure that we’re working to make a difference for marriage equality.
As we’re planning our own wedding (coming up in September!), we too are only working with people, places and vendors who are down with the cause.
Hopefully as more states legalize equal marriage, the terminology and language throughout the industry will evolve. It may take awhile, but I am confident that one day this problem won’t exist anymore.
As an out and open wedding professional, I can share your woes to a certain extent. I just love that you will openly ask a vendor their stance on gay marriage. And even better, you will only support vendors who are educated and supportive. The more we are comfortable with ourselves, the more others will be comfortable with us.
Every vendor needs to read your blog post.
Thank you for sharing.
I forgot until Jen’s post jogged my memory — I got the “how nice you’re getting married on the same day” line from David’s Bridal too! geez!
So great to hear about others’ experiences too! I think that open communication from our end (the engayged) serves to increase awareness, and lets vendors know that we deserve better than crossing things out on forms as we plan such an important event. The more that LGBTQ and allied folks seek to work with vendors who are supportive of marriage equality (and/or willing to learn more and improve their practices), and the more that vendors can actively value marriage equality in their marketing, practices, and communication, the more we can start to shift the experience for the better. Viva la revolution!
Great post!!
We got married in CT and used the SYE website for our vendors but when it came time to pick vendors in Tennessee, we had a MUCH harder time. We met with the country club in person and nothing was said. We met with the cake maker, and he seemed a bit confused initially, but finally figured it out. We acted like we were like any other couple getting married. We tried not to draw attention to the fact we’re “different”.
We had a couple of photographers over-price us (triple the price of what we paid), and I can only assume because they were not fans of SS. We ARE a part of a revolution, especially in the south. I think we were the first SS couple to get legally married in our small community …we have gotten word the news spread like wild-fire. Hopefully we can help others who want to get married find gay-friendly vendors in Tennessee.
I asked the associate at David’s Bridal if she had many SS couples in her store…she said “two”. I smiled and kept trying on dresses!!
More David’s Bridal horror stories… never have I felt so freakish as the times I had to go there as a bridesmaid. I wondered if it was different as a bride, and now I know I won’t be shopping there when the time comes.
It started with: “You want to wear boots under the dress?”
(I ended up caving on this and having to get the darn thing hemmed), and ended with listening to the seamstress go on about always being a bridesmaid and finding the right guy. I didn’t come out to her because she had a thread and needle and was working on a dress for an important friend’s wedding.
This is why I refused later invitations to be a bridesmaid, and what I’m really worried about in the future. The heteronormativity can really slam you in the face, and suck the enthusiasm right out of you.
We went through this when we decided to get married in DC, yes we checked all the “Gay Friendly Vendors” Well I have to tell you what a nightmare that was. Sure they were Ok, but rude,it was all about the money.For heavens sake we had 50 guests.We didn’t want to spend 10grand on this, I posted on craigslist,low & behold one photographer contacted us.Telling us of a planner on Facebook, contacted them. We had our event which was way more that we could have imagined,took care of everything we needed and more. I would reccommend everyone check out ultimateaffairpartyplanner on Face Book. Tell her that her fav chicks sent you. PS on your Davids Remark, They acted like I was to big to fit in any gown.They are a mess.
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Me and my partner are looking to be apart of your real LGBT engagements and real weddings. How do we do this?
Hi Misty,
Real Engagements and Real Weddings features are currently on hiatus here at So You’re Engayged. Check back in a while to see if we’re accepting new submissions. Congratulations on your engagement and your upcoming wedding!