I’m feeling pretty disappointed lately. We received an RSVP from my parents for our wedding. As you can imagine by my disappointment, they declined. No explanation, no phone call, just a simple “2” filled in under “Guests unable to attend.” That’s it.
We spoke recently in some friendly phone conversations. They called on my birthday and we caught up and laughed. I didn’t sense any shame or discomfort. I thought maybe this time was different. I never mentioned the wedding to them, preferring to enjoy the planning process and avoid excuses and arguments. Regretfully, I kept certain things from my parents because it made interacting with them easier. But it also probably allowed them to think that I might feel ashamed.
Now I just feel let down and angry. I cannot help but resent my sister right now. Thanks to Facebook, I am taunted by pictures of the new first home she just bought with her husband. Of course, my parents also took them out to dinner to celebrate and my sister shared photos of the gifts they showered them with. They not only attended her wedding but participated actively as parents of the bride. I’m pretty sure they also contributed financially, but I try not to torture myself with specifics.
Right after getting the world’s saddest RSVP, I called my sister because I still had not heard from her. I left her a quick voicemail saying that we needed to give a final headcount. Instead of having the courage to call back, she shot me a very short Facebook message simply stating that she had just settled on a house and was on a tight budget so they could not make it.
Not only did I attend my sister’s wedding, but I also acted as Maid of Honor – Well Matron, actually, even though no one referred to me that way (yet another way of pretending it’s not there). I watched my father walk her down the aisle and dance with her to a sappy song. I smiled as my mother beamed the entire day. I wrote a touching speech. I bought her some sexy negligee for her shower so I could really emphasize that I am the radical sister. I paid for the travel and the dress. I put Rose through so much discomfort and awkward moments. And the sad part is – I am not even asking for the same treatment. I don’t expect for them to renounce their strong religious beliefs. But I do want them to be present for me… for their daughter.
I continue to affirm to myself that “life isn’t fair” and that I am so incredibly lucky to be surrounded by SO much love and support, including my other relatives. I know I don’t want the life that my sister has with my parents. However, there is something about the lack of your own parents in your life that is just heartbreaking. Even though I do not agree with their belief system at all and often don’t fully enjoy their company, I still love them. I know they love me, too, but it is not unconditional love. They want to sweep parts of me under a rug. They are happy and comfortable talking with me about my job and school and my birthday – but they refuse to accept that I am a lesbian and I am happily married. They want to pretend as though that part of me does not exist, which leads to countless mind games and mixed emotions.
I was really holding on to hope that this time they might come around. The last Thanksgiving we shared together was much less tense. We did not have any arguments about how I need to respect them by attending without Rose. You see, in my situation, they are fine with me but only “non-committed-lesbian” me. I refuse to let this happen anymore. I do not want to be disrespected. I realize now that I cannot let them make me feel ashamed for who I am.
Oddly, on top of feeling really sad, I also have a sense of relief. Now I don’t have to wait and wonder and can just get back to last minute planning. And at least now I know where I really stand with them. I mean, with how awkward things can be, do I really even want them at my wedding anyway? If they cannot support me, they should not be there. This is the situation that I am in and it is not going to change. Weddings really bring out people’s true colors but fortunately, this also means an outpouring of love and acceptance as well. I’ll choose to focus on that as we continue to plan. Less than 3 weeks away!
My heart truly goes out to you… I know how important family is in times like this and unfortunately, you can’t choose your birth family.
Just know that this is not about you… it is about them!! You deserve better but sometimes in life we don’t get what we deserve.
I’ll be sending warm vibes your way on your wedding day and just know that you can fill your life with love, even if it isnt coming from the people you thought it would.
Very Best,
Hannah
Nicole,
I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I know the feeling somewhat as my mom did not attend our wedding either. My brother did and I know my dad would have gone but he has to side with my mom.
Part of me was sad too and the other part was relieved as there wouldn’t be awkwardness or uncomfortableness with having my mom there. We still enjoyed our wedding day immensely in the company of my wife’s family and our friends who all wanted to be there and were truly genuinely happy for us and celebrated our love like they would have if it was a hetero wedding. and you will have the same for yours :)
Big hugs and can’t wait to see pictures!
As my therapist told me, your family is now your wife : )
I read this with sadness….I am so sorry your family is not supportive : (
This read was tough. But I am encouraged by your refusal to let your parents have a one-sided relationship with you anymore. Keep on loving them, and move on knowing that you really are doing what they believe a daughter SHOULD do: leave her parents and cleave onto her spouse. And do so – not many would endure the awkward moments Rose did … clearly, she loves you well.
I am so sorry Nicole. I also feel your pain. I have about a handful of my relatives who will attend our wedding. Sometimes I’m ok with it, sometimes I’m not. It’s terribly painful and I cry about it a lot. I do not have a relationship with my sister or nephews because of my relationship and their uber conservative religious views. My mother was always thrown in the middle causing her to move back to where we came from. My sister is the only family I have here in California and we haven’t spoken in over a year! We even live in the same town! What’s most hurtful is that we are all religious and while I feel I am very close to God, my truth about God isn’t their truth…so when I feel most vulnerable I pray for them…I truly feel that they need it most.
There is nothing anyone can say to make the hurt go away. There is always a piece missing. Just resolve yourself to take it moment by moment. The fact of the matter is that there is nothing wrong with the love you and Rose share and nothing would ever change it! We feel like that also…for all the pain there is MUCH joy! And we feel like we have the best of what God’s love is truly supposed to be!
Last year at this exact same time my now wife & I were receiving our RSVP’s in the mail. We would be so giddy excited to see the returns in the mail box & then sure enough there would be a response we had not expected (or some what expected but didn’t want it to be true). For days my wife would be so sad. Her dad refusing to talk to her. Brothers not coming. Sisters can’t make it. It turned our last minute fun, silly, excited it is all coming together time into an emotional roller coaster.
And then one day, a light went off. We really didn’t know who all WAS coming… we had not been paying attention. My wife brought out the YES stack & we went though one by one enjoying each and every name. School friends, and cousins, and out of town family, and college friends from out of state, and an uncle we would have never imagined and so on and so forth.
From that moment on we decided those that were not going to be there, those that did not WANT to be there, had no place there.
…and by no place that meant we would not dwell on their absence.
I have to tell you that decision, that moment was such a relief, and it just lifted so much negativity out of OUR wedding.
Celebrate the Yeses.
They are there to celebrate you!
We will be thinking of you both & sending positive energy :)
That day will change your life. Promise.
It is sad to see our family behave badly. Time for a new family. I kept getting my feelings hurt over and over by my family when I realized that I could start my own traditions and family. I once spent Thanksgiving with my daughter in out PJ’s cooking and watching the parade and she said it was the best holiday ever!!!The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Do not let your Family of origin stupidity ruin your day, Stick close to those who truly love you and celebrate your love and marriage with them.
Best
Nicole, I am so sorry to hear this…this has to be so hard to deal with. But as you say now you can get on with it. Just know that they are missing out not you guys. People will do what they do… all you can control is what you do with that and it seems you will still continue to respond gracefully and with a respectfulness that is admirable
I am so sorry to hear about your parents not coming to your wedding. However, I think you have a point, if they dont accept your lifestyle and they don’t accept Rose, then you don’t really want them there. I learned a long time ago when I came out that, I had to stop being uncomfortable to make the people in my life comfortable. And even though its hard don’t drown you and Rose’s special moment by your parents lack of support at the end of the day, its about you two anyways and the life you are going to spend together.
Dear Nicole,
I have seen Mike and Bo getting married without her parents because she’s Chinese and he’s Welsh; I have seen Diem and Aung without Aung family because they are gay; part of the family did not come to Paul and Mike’s for the same reason…
But now, after years, I see them happy together, they are new families now… your (and your partner’s) happiness is the only think to focus on!
All the best for your wedding!
Ciao, Cecilia
I’m so sorry that your family is behaving in this manner, but your wedding will be beautiful and filled with love despite them. I know it’s painful, but focus on your friends and other guests…we can’t choose our family. Your family is really missing out. I wish I could understand, but I’ll never be able to. <3
This is so sad (and frustrating!) to hear. But I would bet that one day down the road, they will apologize for not being there.
Firstly, congratulations on your upcoming nuptials! Mine is still a year away so I can only imagine the excitement you are feeling. Secondly, I’m sorry that your immediate family isn’t supportive. As my therapist told me once – “your parents will never change”. Be yourself and I believe they will see how happy you are. I learned a long time ago not to give in and enable my parents. In fact, I came out to them at least 6 times (every time my mother said I hadn’t found the right girl). She eventually realized that I was still the same person and even though “it wasn’t what she wanted”, she came around. Plus, being honest about how her actions hurt my feelings helped too. Stay strong. You are loved.
Congrats again!!
Nicole,
I don’t really know what to say except for that I am sorry. I know that you are probably deeply hurt. I am not currently married, but I do know that when I take that step, my father and step-mother will not be supportive. I also know that secretly my partner has reservations about getting married because of this exact reason; she just could not handle the rejection. It’s scary not knowing whether you will be rejected by the people you love the most.
Just try to focus on the people that love you and are supportive of you and Rose. Try to not let it affect you.
What matters now is that you love each other and will be spending the rest of your lives together…with the support of the people that truly love you unconditionally…for who you are…no matter what. Focus on that.
Also, I really encourage you to say something to your parents about the way you feel. If you cannot do it now…then maybe later. Even if you just write a letter to them. Once my father told me that he loved me and I was always welcome in his home, but my partner was not (and that I was going to hell :-). I did not speak to him for five years after that. I admit that it was really hard, but there are enough people in the world that love me and care about me…I don’t need to deal with the negativity. It’s hard explaining to my kids why we don’t see him anymore, but my partner is apart of who I am now…take it or leave it..
I truly am sorry. Just know think about how hard it is to change your own beliefs, and know that it is probably even harder for your parents. They DO love you…they just can’t see the big picture…unfortunately.
Good luck with your wedding planning. Keep your chin up.
Always,
Kristy
I am so sad for you but you are right not to let this ruin your wedding.
My family is not very accepting either-my mom threatened to take me to a mental institution when she found out and told me I was going to hell. I decided I’d rather go to hell than be in heaven with all the people like her. If she can choose her religion over her daughter, that is a powerful statement. It is also a statement I will not make to my children.
SInce that time, I have found my own higher power and know that God loves me for who I am and does not discriminate because of who I love. I must mention that when I came out I was in a heterosexual marriage of ten years and had three children. It was the first time in my life that I finally knew who I was. I now fight hard for equal rights because of the way my family treated me when I came out (5 siblings, hardly any contact for 7 years). My parents did not attend my marriage to my partner as we eloped and it was wonderful. Our marriage was annulled (SF 2004) and we will remarry again legally someday but I will not invite my parents/family ad give them the satisfaction of turning me down. My FAMILY is the people who love and support me/us, not my family of origin.
Keep your chin up and know in your heart that you are a good and wonderful person and this is a happy day. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding–concentrate on what this day means to you. THEY are missing out, not you.
Good luck!
Nancy
Nicole,
My beautiful Fiancè and I will be getting married on Oct 2nd of this year, and I also had a heartbreaking conversation with my father (my mother passed when I was younger) who told me that he he would not be attending our wedding. I know your feelings, I cried, I got angry, and then let it be for a week or two or three then made contact again asking again “why”?, But now I realize that it is not for me to ask why but for him to one day ask himself why. I tis his issue to deal with and his demons to fight not mine. I have my brother flying across the world to be present, I have dear friends also doing the same, and most importantly I have a future wife who will be my new family. From the beginning of our wedding journey our catch phrase was this “Celebrating those who celebrate us”. There is no room for anyone else at our wedding day of love.
You are not alone, so many gay couples go through this I am one and I’ll be strong if you will too.
I’m sorry to hear of your troubles, but I want you to know that your demonstrated courage and resolve have heartened me to face what is coming. I expect to be stepping into your shoes soon. I’ve been afraid to even send invitations, but this reminds me that I should anyway. Thank you.
Nicole,
It’s always a sad day when our parents prove to us that they aren’t the people they made us believe they were. We were taught our first lessons of loving unconditionally from our parents only to grow and have placed upon us many conditions to receiving their love, acceptance and support.
Take what you’ve written here and send it to your parents and to your sister. Allow them to feel if even for just a fleeting second or two the pain you feel. You can try many times over to get your feelings out over the phone but you know that too often our words fall on deaf ears. However, it is not easy to deny your words plainly stated in black and white. Once read always resounding in their heads.
Then take a deep breath in and exhale slowly and know that at the end of the day, come what may, it’s you and it’s Rose and that’s all that matters. Celebrate each other in love and lead your life by example continuing to love with out conditions or conformity. Be who you are and let the rest fall into place.
I am heartbroken for you. They are lucky to have such a wonderful person as a daughter. They don’t deserve you.
Also if you will kindly give me their address I will swing by dressed as Jesus and tell them the error of their ways.
Nicole,
my heart goes out to you. i truly hope that your family will someday, in time, be able to accept your marriage and while you wait I hope you have the most amazing celebration with your guests and loved ones. congratulations.
My heart goes out to you, knowing how deeply hurt you must be. It is so unfortunate that others feel they have the right to dictate how our hearts should react in any given situation and it is especially sad to know that your family will not be able to share in such a special day in your life, celebrating with you and your partner all your hopes and dreams for your future.
I hope someday they are truly sorry for their closed hearts and minds and realize the opportunities they have lost as a result.
Have a beautiful wedding day!
You are starting your own family, one that has your values, and that’s something to be proud of.
Our hearts break for you. We have you in our thoughts and prayers as you approach your most wonderful celebration. May peace and healing cover you.
I was very fortunate that when I married my wife, my parents were supportive of our relationship even though my Dad’s health made it impossible for them to be there. I felt really sad that she felt she couldn’t even mention to her parents that we are together much less married.
This is literally heartbreaking. I wanted to comment that it’s perfectly ok to get mad at your parents and sister, get ticked off on the phone, let them know how hurtful and cruel this is. It’s their daughter’s WEDDING DAY, not some casual dinner party they can bow out of, and how dare they treat you and your partner like that. Wow. I don’t even know you personally and my blood pressure is rising reading about this. Really sorry to know that they can’t be the parents you deserve.
Keep your head held high and your eyes dry enjoy your day and the woman you are blessed with. Live your life to the fullest sweetie and no regrets ok?
Hugs :)
Sending tons of Blessings you way! You are already a strong person by chosing to accept the life your most comfortable in. Your wedding is going to beautiful, your love for each other will be everlasting and this is the road to your immediate family.
Congratulation Brides to Be!
I am so, so sorry to hear this. I can identify with some of what you’re probably feeling…I just sent a letter to my very religious grandparents last week, coming out to them and announcing our engagement, and their reaction was not good at all, though it was certainly expected. I hope that all of the joy and excitement that others are showing regarding your wedding are lifting you up this week, in the final stretch!
I’m sharing in your disappointment. When we told my dad we were getting married i asked him to walk me down the aisle and he said yes. We’ve been planning this wedding for over a year. Last night,less than a week before the wedding i found out he is supposed to work and if he can’t find someone to work it he won’t be there.
I know exactly how you feel! My sister was married 2 years ago and my mom made a huge deal of it and helped out financially. When told her we wanted to go to NY she said “why it’s not legal
In NC where you live” :/
Thank you Nicole for sharing such a touching post about your parents and sister. I am engaged to my boyfriend, and we’re getting married this June. Sadly, I am all too familiar with the pains, disappointment, and angst you so eloquently expressed. I know I will receive the same RSVP response from my father (and step-mother). I have felt the same sadness as well seeing their active involvement in my other siblings relationships, weddings, and lives. Strangely, it hurts even more that his parents and family continue to be so embracing, interested, active, and a part of our lives and this process of planning our wedding. I am grateful for them, and, like you, I am surrounded by immeasurable love and support. But, as you stated, it’s still sad and unfortunate, especially knowing there is just nothing you an do or say.
Dear Nicole,
I have read your post and l could not avoid writing you some few words hoping things between you and your family would improve soon. You deserve it! l wish you a very excited and happy wedding.
I’m so sorry, dear. Just remember that the love that you share is absolutely the most important part! The rest of the world will melt away.
Nicole,
I can empathize. When my husband and I got married 17 years ago, my parents declined the invitation because I had left the religion of my upbringing (Jehovah’s Witnesses). They, at least, sent a letter in response to the invitation. My older brothers and their wives, however, did not respond at all. :(
Despite having anticipated their response, it was still difficult to accept. However, my grandparents on my dad’s side, who were not JW, became like my parents for that day. My granddad walked me down the aisle, and spoke at the reception in the place where my father would have done. We were surrounded by love from extended family and friends in spite of my immediate family’s absence. They were the ones who missed out on a beautiful, loving event and the most important day of their daughter’s life.
This is my first time on this blog so I don’t know when your big day is/was, but I wanted to wish you and your wife all the best and lifetime of happiness together. :)
Katie
I just viewed your blog, and I wanted to say your wedding looked lovely! I was asked yesterday by my friend if I would be her matron of honour for her wedding, as she’s marrying her long time girlfriend. I’ve been trying to research and find some resources for their wedding and myself since I have no idea what I’m doing! lol.
I’m so sorry to hear that your parents are not supportive of your sexual orientation. Religion has a way of really screwing with people’s heads, keeping them from seeing what’s truly important. I hope that, in time, you can have a healthy relationship with them and that they will learn to accept you.
Again, lovely wedding and congratulations!
Sarah
Thank you so much for posting this. I am in a similar situation. I have tried for 7 years to get my parents to accept me and my partner. They are “tolerant” but not supportive. I invited them to our wedding (taking place in March) about a year ago and they said that they “just couldn’t do it”. However, I kept holding out hope that maybe they would come around. Since my first invitation, they seemed to be making great progress towards accepting me and my partner. We even went to visit them overseas while my dad was spending a semester teaching in Europe. I was hoping that visit would help them bond with my partner and show them that we are just like every other couple. However, the other night I asked them again if they were coming to our wedding. They said no, they still couldn’t do it.
I also love my parents very very much and they have always been a big part of my life. However, I am certainly struggling with my hurt and anger towards them and am conflicted with wanting to move on with my life and my new family without them versus giving them the unconditional love and acceptance that they are denying me.
You put into words much of what I have been able to like the fact that not all parents are “accepting” or “hating”. There is a strange variation where parents are still supportive and loving parents–except when it comes to our sexual orientation. Aside from my sexual orientation, my parents and I have a great relationship. I even think that they have a good relationship with my partner. They are just not accepting of us as a couple. I guess that is one of the things that makes their rejection hurt so much.
Anyway, thanks again for posting this blog and congratulations. It’s comforting to know that there are others out there in the same situation and maybe our children will grow up in a different world…
There’s nothing I can say that hasn’t already been said, just know that I feel for you and that’s an awful way to treat someone’s child. You did nothing wrong, and you’re strong to keep planning as you would’ve whether they were coming or not. I will be married next September and my brides invites are estimated at 55 people I’ll be lucky if 20 come for me, and even though I think both sets of parents will attend, I have never felt at home with her parents but I know where I stand with people, and I don’t think loving a girl I will have known for a decade at our wedding is something to gloss over, she makes me a better person. I’m glad you found someone to spend your life with, congratulations with everything.