I have a weird relationship with my wedding rings. Actually, my weirdness is just with one of them (there are two total). I have struggled, as many others have, with how my queerness and my queer marriage jives with the elements of traditional marriage like engagement and wedding rings.
Leaving City Hall after we got hitched - showing off that I am indeed a married woman! That's supposed to be my sassy "What?!" face...
We didn’t have an engagement, really. We decide to get married and then just did it nine days later. In those nine days, we bought rings for us to exchange at the wedding – two simple bands that didn’t match each other but that we picked because they suited us individually. We did have a conversation beforehand about whether or not we wanted rings, and decided that we did because it was a cultural symbol that we liked and we felt comfortable with what we knew to be the origins of the tradition – something about the circle being an unending thing, and the vein in the ring finger being a straight line to the heart (whether or not this is correct I can’t be 100% sure, but we like the idea). So we got wedding bands.
During this discussion, and while ring shopping, Bek asked if I wanted an “engagement type” ring also, or if I wanted my wedding band to be something more blingy (in the style of an engagement ring) or just altogether different or unique or fancy. I said no – I wanted my band to be plain… But that maybe later, I might like another ring or to “upgrade” the one we got. Which was kind of the plan for both of us anyway; because we were in a rush there wasn’t time to get any good quality gold or platinum rings sized before the wedding (and I have bizarrely thin fingers for a 6ft tall person, or any person for that matter, so they just don’t have rings in my size hanging around the store). So we decided to get cheap silver bands, and later when the time was right get something more substantial that would last longer.
For the record, I LOVE my wedding band. When I do get it replaced, I will get one made to look exactly like it but in better quality metal. It’s perfect, and I have no regrets about any decisions made about rings at that time. None whatsoever.
So I always said I wasn’t the engagement ring “type”. I always said that I wouldn’t need an engagement ring – money was better spent elsewhere, I didn’t need that sort of physical representation of love from someone, outdated hetero-patriarchical tradition that represented ownership of women, bah blah blah. But note that I said I didn’t NEED an engagement ring – I didn’t say I didn’t WANT one. I’d have liked to think I didn’t want one, and I may have even lied to myself and others once or twice by saying that I didn’t.
But here’s the thing – I’m kinda girly. It’s taken a while for me to discover, grow into, and now celebrate my femme identity. But now I’m fully onboard with my femme self, and am trying to not chastise myself everytime I like/want/appreciate something that is stereotypically feminine. And for whatever reason, a more flashy ring became a part of that. I still didn’t necessarily want diamonds, I would have happily gotten something fake or a cheaper stone. I just started to notice other people’s rings and start to think that maybe I would like something similar.
Truth be told, I think a part of it was insecurity about our quickie wedding with no one there, and that was only legal in one of our countries, that had me almost feeling like we weren’t really “Grown-Up Married”. I know it sounds silly, but I think some part of me felt like our wedding wasn’t taken seriously by others. And the engagement-style ring wasn’t a part of that necessarily – I very truly don’t think that a sparkly ring, or any ring or any THING, is required for people to commit themselves to one another for life - but the engagement-style ring just for me became a symbol of being a “Grown-Up Married” person. I still can’t entirely make sense of why that is, because it wasn’t about spending the money on it or anything. Maybe it was that it became a symbol of the marriage planning process, of someone declaring their desire to marry you.
And, honestly, I felt like a missed my opportunity to be a part of something that many other women participate it without question. ‘Cuz I mean, really, when else do you get an excuse like that? It definitely wasn’t the kind of thing I was going to go out and buy for myself. I felt like I was denying myself something that appealed to me for the sake of being “good queer feminist”. I was a little sad that I had started to dislike a part of myself so much. But it’s hard to make peace with the idea that accepting and loving a part of yourself is wrapped up in acquiring a piece of jewellery. You know?
Obviously, I over-thought the heck out of this particular issue.
Where I’m going with this (in Part Two) is the ensuing debacle, and eventual happy resolution, that is my second ring. But I’d REALLY love to hear what other people’s feelings are on this subject. Who has rings, and what kind? How did you decide what to do about them? What, if any, conflicting feelings did you encounter around rings and your queerness?
I too am a super girly queer, so when it came time for engagement I knew I wanted a practical girly diamond. (Practical because I tend to talk with my hands and didn’t want to risk knocking the setting.) I truly love my ring, yes it was expensive and bought while we were both slogging through graduate degrees so the money could have been spent in more immediate practical ways, but I know I wouldn’t change a thing. I’ve gotten a little flack from uber feminist queers who think I am submitting to the “hetero-patriarchical tradition that represented ownership of women, bla, bla, bla”. But I guess what I’ve decided is that it really doesn’t matter to me what they think. I’ve been dreaming about a wedding since I was little, why does marring a woman have to change my dreams? Just like being queer doesn’t mean we can’t be feminine and girly :) It has taken me quite a few years since first coming out to be truly comfortable being a girly librarian who loves to cook, design, and take photos who happens to be a lesbian. My sexuality is a attribute, but it is not all that I am and it does not define me so why should it define my wedding or marriage?
Looking forward to part II!
I can totally relate. I didn’t want an engagement ring for many of the same reasons. We planned to get one matching bling-y band for each of us. But since we need our rings to be stone free for our Jewish ceremony, now we are exchanging bling-y bands in the civil ceremony and thin, plain bands for the wedding.
I proposed to my wife with a silver ring with 3 small diamonds in it. It was made by a local artist and we both liked the style. Afterward, we got a similar ring for me to wear as an engagement ring. We talked about getting a fancier diamond ring for me but I also said that I didn’t need that and I would rather spend that money on something else. We do plan on getting that ring someday.
I would like a diamond ring because I enjoy jewelry and diamonds are beautiful. Plus, they are a big visual symbol to others that you are married or engaged. We also got married at city hall with just the two of us. I felt more “grown-up married” when we had a chance to celebrate with our families.
i adore my engagement ring. i quite like the ring she proposed with too.
at the moment we have six rings: the simple one she proposed with, which was intended to be temporary; the simple one i gave her when she proposed, which, um, fit her thumb; my engagement ring, which i picked out, and is perfect (simple, feminine, and cheap =); her engagement ring, which was an *awesome* wood and titanium ring, until all the wood peeled off the titanium base…; and our two wedding rings, which are matching plain white gold rings.
so, i love my ring, and i’m keen on having a wedding ring to go with it. and, to me, it kind of does represent ownership – that’s part of what i like about it! but that’s my thing, and that is so very *not* what i think of when i see others’ wedding rings.
We agonized over the ring question too. I tried to be a “good feminist” and not want an engagement ring. Then I tried to be financially responsible and not want a diamond.
I ended up with a feminine diamond ring, which I picked out, and I love. Fiancée has a channel set diamond ring, which is flashy enough but suits her soft butch self.
At the end of the day, the engagement ring ended up being a symbol of our promise to get married – and we just couldn’t have a three year engagement (yes, three years) without feeling like we acknowledged our plans.
I proposed to my wife with a diamond engagement ring I picked out for her. She loved it! It was funny because I am not really a diamond girl or even a girly girl for that matter, but after the proposal… I started to envy the ring she had on. It was this thing that she had to show everyone that she was engaged. I really liked the idea of people knowing that I was engaged. Silly right? It was so sweet that she proposed to me later with a beautiful diamond band. It was like she knew. :) I love it so much!
Then when it was time to pick out our wedding rings, we went in together and I picked a plain band for me and she picked the same diamond band that is my engagement ring. so now we have one matching ring! I am so in love with these rings and the little girl inside this boi gushes every time I notice the light hitting my diamond band. :)
My fiancee is very femme, I’m a pre-everything trans guy, I don’t wear rings, I’m 6ft tall, big all over, I’m not aggressive but I’m a little rough & tumble so I don’t like things squeezing my fingers while I do dishes, play video games, pet dogs, sleep, shower… I don’t like rings for me… but I like symbolism I guess. We picked out a design which incorporated leaves–which is cool because she can be a fairy princess and I can be the kid who’s dad took them camping and it matches my autumn themed tattoo. I’m being old school and despite being between jobs and having the expenses of surgery and moving in with her, I don’t have the money but I don’t think it’s right for her to buy her own ring [because it kills the element of surprise, she knows she's getting one, we know she's saying yes, why can't I have some say over when this all happens?] We’re having them custom made online, we’re not worried about conflict diamonds and karats, which kind of shocked me, I thought my girl would be all about bling but she just wants ‘a li’l sparkle’ and told me fake gem is good enough, and we decided on just a blue topaz which isn’t diamond quality but nice enough I’m sure. White gold. We’re getting them for a reasonable price, There’s some myth about paying 3 months salary aka the equivalent of a little car.. but we’re paying about $1500 for 3, and they feel like us.
>>forgot to say, she’s been wearing a ring I got for like $5 from a junk shop, I got one for me too, I lost within 3 days of having, I believed my parents cat might have swallowed it because I was rolling it for her to chase around. This is why we’re looking at the idea of me wearing the next one on a chain.