It finally happened. After lots of “can’t wait to celebrate” RSVP cards rolling in, we finally got the RSVP we were dreading. Not the one where someone can’t come because they are going to be on a fabulous European vacation. We got the RSVP that came enclosed in a long, handwritten note from one of Anne’s childhood friends. Though they don’t see each other often, this person has been a wonderful support to Anne this past year, keeping Anne in her thoughts and prayers, sending cute cards and funny old photos, small things that have been bright spots for Anne while she fought her way out of depression. And in what we thought might be another cute card from her, we read “After much consideration, I decided not to attend your ceremony…I pray that we will remain friends despite my absence.”
There was a lot said in that ellipsis that mentioned her path to faith, her Christian convictions, and a few bible quotes about seeking guidance from God, and making peace. Anne’s friend is super Christian, and her faith is clearly an important part of her life. And I think that’s great for her. Anne and I were both raised with church-going Christian families. Anne is still actively involved in her Episcopalian church, while I consider myself a recovering Catholic. I respect her right to live a life based on her beliefs and values. But I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t a little bit crushed that one of Anne’s oldest friends (who I barely know, but know is important to Anne), one of her best supporters during a difficult time in her life, was choosing to stay away from us while we celebrate such a wonderful milestone. It was surprising. We were at her wedding, to her non-Christian husband. I felt that her love and support of Anne all these years, her acceptance of her non-Christian husband into her family, meant that maybe she was one of those super-Christians with a super open mind and heart. And maybe she still is. But it hurts to know that one of the two oldest friends Anne wanted to be there won’t be, because she does not accept Anne fully for who she is and who she loves. One the one hand I respect Anne’s friend for standing behind her beliefs, which are clearly stronger than her desire to accept us as we are. But I wish she’d lied to us and said she was out of town, it may have hurt less. I hurt for Anne, for the disappointment I saw on her face when she realized this wasn’t going to be a cheerful thinking-of-you card, it was a rejection on religious grounds.
In my shock, disappointment, sadness and eventual indignation, I started to realize that there are likely other invited guests who have chosen not to attend for similar reasons, but who leave us guessing as to their justifications for “can’t make it” responses. I realize that it is not exactly my business why someone opts out of our wedding. Maybe they don’t want to travel, maybe they are busy, maybe it’s a school/work night. Maybe our wedding is – gasp – not nearly as important to them as it is to me. I get that, and I have to accept that. But maybe their rejection of our invitation stems from their rejection of me, of Anne, of our choice to be together. And that part, that possibility that others – and the certainty that Anne’s friend – have rejected us because of being gay just breaks my heart a little bit, into tiny sharp pieces that keep sneaking into my thoughts and hurting me all over again.
At these times, when I feel the sharp sting of rejection, I need to remind myself of the dozens of people who have with their time, talents, voices, or silent support chosen to be with us at the wedding, and in all other aspects of our life together. I must think of those of you who are reading this and in doing so open your hearts just a little bit more to us, and to all the others in the world out there like us, to the notion that we are all deserving of love and equal treatment even from the most conservative of you. We are so incredibly grateful for the love and support of so many other of our friends and families. I am so proud of my aunt and cousin, who out of the kindness of their hearts threw us a bridal shower this weekend. I am so grateful for my Catholic grandmother for hugging me, for celebrating our upcoming marriage over sandwiches and gift-wrapped kitchen wares, for getting to know Anne’s mother, sister, aunt and cousin. I am so glad for our friends who want to participate in our wedding planning, who are reaching out to help with un-started crafts, tagging along to boring appointments with a tailor, excitedly looking forward to dancing with us.
We are filled at once with love and loss. I wonder how many others in our lives (wedding guests or otherwise) are made uncomfortable by the very thing that we are celebrating – our relationship, our unabashed care and love for each other, our public display of our promises to each other. What is so wrong with that? Why can’t the people who are such foundational parts of our lives – our family, our oldest friends – set aside their religious beliefs to celebrate what I feel is the true driving force of all faith: love one another. At what point do I balance asking others to accept and respect me, and Anne, and marriage equality, and human rights, with my acceptance and respect for their own beliefs? I realize that religion, politics, and etiquette are tough topics to tackle on their own, and that they become infinitely entangled when we consider them together. But what do we do? How do we let our friends and families who have rejected us know that we are sad because of it? That we want them to make room for us in their hearts? That loving us and celebrating our love for each other will not make them any less faithful?
How have you handled a lack of support, the hollow silence, explicit rejection or other absences in your lives as you work towards a wedding and marriage, or other aspects of your life?
Wow Leanne… thank you so much for this candid post. I can relate in so many ways to what you are experiencing and reading your feelings helps in some crazy way. Our invitations just went out this week and there are a small handful of people I suspect may not come due to their religious beliefs. Worst of all… some of those people are my own parents and sister. We have grown very distant over the years because of their growing Christian faith and unacceptance of me and my partner. I am constantly holding my breath waiting for the RSVP cards to arrive from them. When we got the legalities out of the way last year in the courthouse, my parents declined my written invitation with a short letter. I fear this may happen again and I know it will be nearly impossible to handle… but your uplifiting words about focusing on all of the love and acceptance that you DO have is what also gets me through. Thank you for being part of this community and sharing what you are going through!
I’m so sorry. Rejection from an old friend is heartbreaking.
For us, the strangest part has been my fiancee’s mother constantly anticipating someone rejecting us. I was pretty aggressively targeted as a teenager for being gay, so I have a really thick skin and no-nonsense attitude towards people who believe they have to right to disapprove of my existence. When people actually tell us no, I can walk away and do what I need to do elsewhere. But to have my future mother in law constantly bite her tongue about our wedding, and to tell my fiancee over and over how afraid she is that people will judge us…it’s hard not to resent that constant fear as a form of judgement.
I had a problem with that too – not for religious reasons, for across the country reasons. A lot of people I was close to growing up didn’t come and it made me really sad and a little hurt. But ultimately, their lack of attendance isn’t about you, it’s about them. It’s really hard not to take it personally, but that’s something to keep in mind.
I’m afraid of that happening to me too, but I realized that it’s something that come with it and I have to accept it. I come from a carribean and southern family who will not support my marriage but at the same time i know ppl who will. I have this strong belief that you have to have ONLY PEOPLE who love you and want nothing but the for the best for you and your marriage. When the spirit of love, respect, and positivity is in your space nothing but good things will and can come. I dont do fake well, so i need people to be straight up with how they feel because i dont need that negative energy in my life.
Wow this post is a hard and difficult topic. I’m not engaged or anything but when I think about what it would be like, that is the biggest fear that I have. Would having a wedding/committment ceremony bring us closer or push us farther away from those people that we have had to fight with to accept us. My family took a very very long time to accept us. I am not sure if they would or wouldn’t come to a ceremony for us. Our families are more tolerant of our relationship than accepting I would say. I know the reason should be about celebrating your love and making that promise to each other, but I would be lying to say that I don’t want the same things that my sister and brother had at their weddings. I want the family support, the father-daughter dance, and the mother daughter bonding time over silly details and flowers.
I hope that you both have wonderful celebrations that only provide happy memories. I know you will continue to hurt but at least you know that you aren’t alone in those heartbreaks. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger right?
Best of luck! :)
You write well, Leanne, and you brought up some important and unfortunate issues. My partner and I just got married and luckily all of our friends and family came to the wedding. However, my wife’s mother was opposed to the idea. She asked us several times beforehand not to get married. “Couldn’t we just be good friends?”
After unsuccessfully lobbying my partner’s siblings not to attend our wedding, she came and looked happy. However, several weeks afterwards, we noticed her final act of protest. We had a Jewish wedding and asked everyone to sign our ketubah (the Jewish wedding contract). Everyone did, except her. She made a lasting statement through her absence of another sort.
Leanne,
As I’ve always known and been told numerous times (by a proud woman named Rae) of your accomplished and eloquent writing abilities. This piece, coupled with your obvious passion on the topic, excels all! I am so happy for you, a little red-haired pixie that I called Pebbles. One who has metamorphosed into someone that I’d like to be when I grow up!
Congratulations to you and to Anne.
Love,
Adrienne
To be a Christian is to love and not judge, and selectively choosing when to support someone is not love, its selffish. I do not believe that we are obliged to respect others’ “religious” values as such, when religious messages are being perverted into justifying hate and discrimination. It reminds me of when Jesus flipped the tables of the merchants at the temple for taking advantage of those who wanted to worship, for their own selfish gains (for all you Sunday school goers out there). He didn’t just say oh live and let live, I respect your values, he said “No! What you’re doing is wrong!” Certainly it is everyone’s prerogative to handle their own personal relationships as they see fit, and you both should respond to the situation in whatever way is in line with your values, but I think far too often people fall into thinking that we have to silently respect everyones’ viewpoints, but when it come to hate and discrimination, I do not believe anyone is obligated to just accept it.
I don’t normally write such strongly worded blog comments but I love Leanne and Anne dearly and I’m pregnant, so I have no filter.
Leanne…I’m a little late on this response. Thank you for sharing your heart about all of this with us! These are very real sentiments. Personally, I don’t deal well with rejection in the name of God. I get emotional, cry and feel angry. And then I reconcile my emotions with the fact that these individuals are the one with the problem…the problem is not my relationship or my love of another woman. The problem is that putting a very real face on “gay people” or knowing good, positive, loving, responsible people who happen to be gay…well that just makes these others feel so uncomfortable with reconciling THEIR beliefs. I had a friend from church who I lost in being honest about my relationship and who I was because she was having trouble with what she was taught to believe in our church vs. loving me like a sister. Beliefs are nothing more than a statement or sentiment that one has been conditioned, many times by repetition (i.e. what they tell you in church as you were forced to go with your parents as a child, etc.), to adopt as their own personal truth. It doesn’t mean it’s right or really the truth.
I could go on and on about this. I think in my hardest times I hold on to the fact that no matter how hurtful this process is, no matter how many people I thought loved and cared for me leave my side, it would never change the amazing love and life I have built with my wife. I would never take any of it back. So what weight do their “issues” really hold in the grand scheme of things? The only difference it makes is that I will be more cautious, more compassionate, toward others because I would never want to make another human being feel the way I have felt at times. Never at my hand! And I relish in the comfort I feel when I think about the amazing strides we have taken in our communities, in our country, that while we still have a long way to go, our progression will continue and one day my daughter will be able to look upon the LGBT fight for rights the same way she looks at the African American fight for rights during black history month and say the very same thing…”I can’t believe they did that back then! How ridiculous is that mom?” lol
i had an aunt ask my mom — who mind you, was largely funding my wedding — if she was going. needless to say, that aunt did not attend.
it’s a low blow by anne’s friend (and any other negative responders you might get), lecturing on beliefs and faith at the time of such joy in your life. but in the end, you actually really don’t want people from the stone age at your wedding. those people need to sit in a corner somewhere by themselves and think about how non-christian their christian views are, not party hearty at the most exciting wedding of the century with you two. it’s really their loss. and ultimately, potentially their loss of an awesome friendship with you and anne. you are both amazing people! anyone who doesn’t recognize that, and how special this day will be, is a FOOL.
ps – please let me know if you would like me to punch anyone in the face on your behalf.
This is my biggest fear, and i feel like, unlike you, i will not be so gracious in my understanding.
Born and raised Catholic, this has been something that i’ve struggled with for years and i’m glad to see someone else writing about the difficulty they face with it. I have taken steps to distance myself from my relgion(but not my faith)however i still feel a void and wish to return to the church. My father is currently studying to be a deacon in the Catholic Church and while he has become increasingly more accepting as he has done his studies, I am still afraid both he and my brother will not attend my ceremony.
As you are so understanding, I will be forever heartbroken if they are to say no. You can have your own faiths and convictions about life, but sometimes we have to just bite our tounges and support the people we love.
If family members do not attend my ceremony, they will no longer be family, and this friend of Anne’s is not a true friend.
Jesus held those who were seen as the greatest sinners closest to his hearts, and if thats how people see us fine, I believe we have the best man on our side.
Sorry to barge in here. A friend of mine randomly found your blog and linked to it on his, and I couldn’t help but remark on this.
My husband and I are celebrating our 1 year anniversary today. We got married at our church, and it was WONDERFUL! But like you, we got our fair share of no-shows. Some of them were like Anne’s friend – they sent us heart-felt wishes about why Jesus told them they shouldn’t attend.
But honestly, the ones that hurt the most were the ones that didn’t show, and didn’t say a WORD. That really hurt. I mean, some of these were family members (including my own brother), dear friends since college, etc. They didn’t even have the decency to go to a simple website and say “sorry, can’t be there.”
In short, those were the ones that to this day make me near tears. You look back and wonder “didn’t our friendship, our ‘love’, at least equal to a simple RSVP?”
But you know what? Those folks did NOT spoil our day. When it was all said and done, the 130+ friends, family members, and church members that DID come celebrate us were the ones we remember the most – the ones that to this day continue to inspire and challenge us, and thrust us into deeper, more meaningful community.
Good luck with the plans, and hope you don’t let the nay-sayers getcha down! Jesus seems to say a lot of things to a lot of people, but the one thing I think he said to us was LOVE. Love each other, love your friends, love your family, and love even the ones who act stupid about the biggest day of your adult life :)
DJ
Reading your post was emotional for me! Ive had my first contact with the rude comments and their clear view on my lifestyle sending me straight to …!
I believe you can’t let anyone shake your faith on what makes you happy, what brings you joy, and what defines love for you. On your special day you you will have those that support and really do love you most and that is the best way to start the next chapter in your life.
I wish you the best in all you do!
Blessings!
As a straight person, and a queer friendly vendor, this person’s ignorance offends me very deeply. I know she’s Christian, I know she must lead a life of conviction that works for her, but those we love deserve special dispensation and consideration, even if it means going against the grain of what we are comfortable with. I’m sure she’d attend a straight wedding of two people she couldn’t stand, sooner than attend a queer wedding of someone she loves. The lesson here is that the Christian claim of “love the sinner not the sin” is something this so-called Christian needs to learn. I’m so sorry this happened to you. You deserve better.
Thank you for writing this post. Things like this NEED to be written. I was grateful for my parents and sisters “regret” because at least they acknowledged I am a lesbian and marrying my best friend. None of my blood relatives came to our wedding, and it did hurt. But once you have your special day and you look back…you start analyzing who you REALLY want in your life. Do you really want people who are only there for you during certain times? When THEY are not offended (because it’s about THEM after all, right?)
We had a few people who did not respond at all. It has been four months and we still haven’t heard from them. That is fine…it will save a few stamps come Christmas card time, as well.
xoxo
Thank you for posting this. I’m just starting an adventure into the world of weddings with my boyfriend who I am planning to propose to.
He is latin american and family is super important, so I made sure I wrote to his parents and asked their permission. I received both permission and blessings to ask their son to marry me. Last night I told my parents what I was planning. I’d told a couple of close friends, and their response was amazing!. My mother, who has know I am gay for 16 years, who has known my boyfriend of 5 years since we started going out, who has stayed at our place for holidays, and who is not christian, devout or otherwise responded with ‘oh’……’really’….. ‘why’… now I’m sorry andrew but it’s a real shock and I can’t be happy just yet….
I am gutted, and whatever this may have bought up for her I can’t get past that surely the only thing a parent wants is for their child to be in a loving stable relationship…
It’s heartwrenching that my mother can’t be happy for me, or at least be happy that i’ve decided to commit to someone who really cares about and accepts me!
I had no expectations of walking down an aisle, of a traditional ceremony, but I am so sad that my parents don’t want to celebrate key milestones in my life xx
Thank you for writing this – and to all who commented,at least I don’t feel quite so alone!