When Jen and I started seriously talking about getting married we realized there was one bump in the planning of our lives together: kids. The bump wasn’t about whether or not we wanted to have kids, we both very much do. The bump was when were we going to have kids. Jen is seven and a half years older than I am, and while that doesn’t come up very often, it does in this case. For obvious reasons Jen wants to have kids at an age that allows her to enjoy them throughout their life. She doesn’t want to be 50 by the time they get to highschool.
Since we both want kids and are getting married this should be a no brainer: start having kids in a couple of years and we’ll be all set. Allow me to introduce the hitch. His name is Gradschool. Gradschool meet the So You’re Engagyed readership. Gradschool becomes important in our life planning in this regard: I want to go back to school and get my masters (Jen is currently courting Gradschool part time and will be done next spring). Now I had figured out what I wanted to get my masters in about a year after Jen and I started dating. But I was putting off applying because I don’t like change and I don’t like taking a risk and blah, blah, blah. The long and short of that is that I would not be considering Gradschool for 2011 if it wasn’t for the fact that we’re getting married.
But last spring when Jen and I got engaged I had to take the Gradschool piece and the having kids piece and somehow make them fit together in the greater puzzle that is our lives. In this case, the peices don’t just fall into place. I don’t want to start having children while I’m in school, and I would like to give Jen and I some time being just married. I also didn’t really want both of us to be in gradschool at the same time. So with what is approximately a five year window how do we get married, conqure gradschool, and have a couple of years for just us? I created a big mind puzzle and tried to put the pieces together in every imaginable arrangement, and I think we’ve found the best arangement. I’m going to start a 14 month masters program for education this June (you read that correctly, this June, I will start school one week after we get back from the honeymoon); Jen and I will graduate with our masters two months apart; we hopefully can take some time after that to just be married (and get me a job in my new field). Then after all that, when the time is right, we can start having children.
Now when it’s laid out all logically in black and white it doesn’t seem like there is any compromise going on here, just an organization of to do’s. Let me break some things down further. The program that I will be attending is a full time program (and can I just say is my dream program!), and full time means that I will be quiting my job. For the first 14 months of our marriage Jen will be working full time and going to school part time, and I will be going to school full time and (hopefully) working part time. That leaves hardly any room to breath! And let’s not ignore the very scary fact that I will not be working full time. That is scary becuase I hate dealing with money. I’m so worried about making bad money choices. It stresses me out beyond belief. So this is not an ideal situation for me. If this all turns out to be a wrong decision it doesn’t just affect me, it affects Jen as well.
Now fortunatly I have plenty support from my lovely fiancee. And she assures me that everything will be fine. And we have the added benefit that there will be no surprise pregnancies to mess with the timeline. Unless, naturally, one of us accidently sits on magically jumping sperm. But I am fairly confident that, if asked, Myth Busters would tell me that is impossible (not like that stops us from joking about it). So we have a plan and the plan will work out in our favor, even if it means sharing our first year of marriage with Gradschool.
I kinda wrote about the same thing in my 5 takes. My partner and I are struggling with the question of kids. Frankly, we are just not ready for it yet and think this is about 5 years off. But I have found that when people want something to happen, they can make it work. My two friends are in a similar situation, one is in a PhD program, and works PT as a TA and other adjunct jobs, the other works full time and gradschool part-time (gradschool does get around, sorry if that makes you want gradschool less…;-)…) AND she is currently pregnant. I am sure she will say it is crazy, but worth it since they really want a baby.
I am sure however it works out, jumping sperm notwithstanding, it will be right for the two of you.
I am a parent. Children change everything. In both wonderful and very challenging ways! Please take time with each other to talk about your parenting styles and preparenting counseling is excellent to ensure you are ready!
I think that you will have plenty of time and the money portion will work itself out in the long run. Grad school does complicate things to some extent but you are capable women. Also in case of magic jumping sperm I suggest a investing in a space portal of some kind so that all the adoring aunts and grandmas can travel bicoastally to babysit!
I know a good engineer we could get to do the job for free!
as a (late?) life mom, i can tell you, it is not a bad thing to be 50 when your kids are in high school. I am 53, and my kids are almost 20 and 15, and I am keeping up just fine…and they are no more or less embarrassed by me than their peers are. I am glad you mapped things out. We waited until we thought it was right in our life, and i am SO glad we did!