Around the time we got engaged, I asked myself questions like, “Why are we getting married,” and “what will change after (almost) a five year partnership, and living together for years? Anything?” The answers, at the time, seemed vague and hard to articulate. I knew it was important to me, but it was hard to pin point exactly why.
Now that we have been engaged for a year, one reason in particular is clear to me: to blend our two families together, and establish our new family unit. There was a touching moment at Thanksgiving this year where I started seeing concrete ways that our engagement is impacting our families. My parents were at Ginger’s parent’s house for Thanksgiving for the first time. Before dinner, all 20+ of us (she has a big, Jewish family) went around the room saying what we were thankful for. When it was Ginger’s mom’s turn, she said she was thankful for the new additions to her family. She went on to explain what the yiddish word “machatunim” means to my Episcolpalian parents. It’s used to acknowledge the relationship between the parents of an engaged couple. She concluded that all of us are all already family. This really touched my parents, and since then, there has been a new closeness to our parent’s relationship with each other. Blending our communities together and getting their support is definitely one of the main reasons that we are getting married.
image of rings by Lara Swanson
One of my favorite bloggers, Meg, recently wrote about “Marriage Ambivalence.” She asked some tough questions about why we get married, and why some people feel ambivalent about marriage. I definitely hear wedding ambivalence from some of my friends. Being gay, it common to be asked, ”What’s the point of a ceremony without state or Federal recognition?”
I was struck by the testimony of Helen Zia, while reading about the Prop 8 trial this week, who talked about how marriage changes family relations for the better (thanks to Two Chicks Nest, who blogged about the trial). Zia spoke eloquently about what her marriage license means to her family. Here’s a quote from her testimony:
With my Chinese-born grandmother, she always said Leah must be a good friend because she has been around for seventeen years at all of this family stuff. When we got married, Grandma got it. She said, “oh, this is your wife.”
Our families relate to each other differently. Our families are in-laws to each other now. After we got married, Leah’s father would stop by my brother’s house (in Hawaii) and give him fruit from yard. He never did that for 15 years before we got married.
My father-in-law had terminal illness. He was in hospice care, just two months ago. He would say, this is my daughter and this is my favorite daughter-in-law. Leah said, “he said daughter-in-law,” I said, “he said favorite.”
So, I’m really curious what everyone thinks. Why are you getting married? Have you been ambivalent about it at any point? Do you see some ambivalence about marriage in the gay community? Have your family dynamics changed since being engaged or getting married?
I think you’ve hit the nail on the head with this one. The real meaning of marriage for me has been about blending family and gaining full family acceptance.
When I think about the relationship of the state to marriage, I’m definitely an “abolish all civil marriage” kind of gal. I believe that all people (even people who are not in love and want to share a “marriage bed” with someone) should have the same rights under the law to enter into a contractual relationship with someone that they would like to share the legal and financial responsibilities of adulthood with (their sister, their brother, their good friend, etc). So, I think that civil marriage should be abolished and all people should be able to enter into a civil union with anyone they wish and the state doesn’t need to make a distinction between romantic kinship relationships and other kinship relationships by having state-sponsored marriage.
However, I think that marriage (as sponsored by religious, family, or other communities… not the state) means something really, really important. I didn’t realize that until Beau and I got married and saw how it changed our already pretty-darn accepting families. Marriage is a common language. It is something that everyone understands and it gives some straight people, who otherwise wouldn’t understand your language of commitment, a way into your world.
Two nails hit right on the head I say! Wasabi, thanks for posting this. Once I wiped away my tears I couldn’t stop shaking my head in agreement. Your post brought me back to all of those family gatherings around the holidays, birthdays, and special occasions. At family gatherings, I like to the wash dishes and watch both of my families interact with each other from afar. Grandparents with brother-in laws, cousins with mother-in laws, aunts, friends. Each consumed in their own stories or memories. It’s that undefined buzz and chatter interjected with an occasional burst of laughter that hums behind me that makes me think of “family.” And when I’m brought back to that place I feel so lucky and blessed to have such support from both of my families in this relationship.
Like yourself, our families are close and they were before the wedding. However, now there is a sort of unspoken closeness between the families as well as between us as a unit and each family individually. Originally, we decided to get married because we wanted to start a life together and have that together be acknowledged by everyone. We wanted a house and a life as a couple and not as “roommates” or “best friends.” We didn’t want there to be any questions or hesitations about our relationship. It was also really important to us to have our family and friends to witness the commitment we made to each other forever. Which we did accomplish, but the depth of the love that came from each of our families after the process was simply incredible. I’m so happy to hear there are other similar stories. Enjoy the love, soak it up and relish in the process! Thanks again for adding such a wonderful post.