So after the phone call with my father ended on a very sour note where I said something to effect of “I don’t do ultimatums and I wont be bullied. If you don’t want to pay or attend my wedding thats your choice.”. In all honesty I wasn’t all that opposed to inviting my aunt I just wanted to make sure a game plan was hammered out before we went and booked her a plane ticket. The brother situation is a horse of another color…
My parents expressed to me at one point that my brother was ordained and that they would like him to be our officiant however we had already chosen a close friend of our to be in charge of that so I politely explained the situation and they were not very happy. You see my brother is not in my wedding party either I had actually chosen him to be one of the people who supports the chuppah in our ceremony. (For those not in the know, The Chuppah is a Jewish wedding tradition involving a canopy which represents the new home you are building under god, the people who support the chuppah in some ceremonies are symbolized as being the foundation that supports the union you are creating) A role I assigned him not too lightly and felt very strongly about. When I told my parents his role (though I didn’t explain it as throughly as I just did) they still seemed uneasy as though I were giving him a throw away task like handing out programs or something. They kept pushing for him to officiate but I kept repeating that I liked where his position was, so the ultimatum that he had to officiate really lit a fire in me. My father called back shortly after and apologized for his behavior and withdrew his statements as unthought out reaction to my mothers feelings being hurt. I later more fully explained my brothers role in the wedding to my parents and they finally gave in.
The next day a friend and I were hanging out and I was languishing my ordeal to her and she said “This is why people end up eloping because everyone tries to make it about other people instead of the couple, instead of the two people its actually supposed to be about” and it occurred to me that this is exactly what has been bothering me during my wedding planning. What I originally planned as a very simple and fun, casual, kooky sort of wedding keeps being pulled into a bigger more complicated more elegant ordeal because its what other people feel my wedding should be. And every time I get pushed into thinking that is what I want I suddenly loose interest in planning. It happened again recently when discussing menu options and we have been planning a mashed potato bar with various fix ins one of which was blue cheese. I mentioned to a family member that both my finance and I hate blue cheese so I would simply ask the chef to change it to another cheese. And I was told that I couldn’t do that because other people would want it and that it was a nicer cheese than others anyway, I let it go and suddenly lost interest in my menu. But later I got to thinking “Why one earth would any couple serve guests something they hate at their own wedding” it doesn’t make sense.
These people are coming to celebrate us right? I mean we are giving everyone a very nice meal, drinks, dancing, favors is it so much to ask that some of it be reflective of what we want as a couple? Who is this day about anyways? All in all through my various blog lurking habits I’ve discovered how unbelievably common this is. All over the world couple are being pressured to please everyone, come to the middle, and have the wedding of their families dreams. But is that right? Is that really the way its supposed to be everyone else decides for you what is best? Or should a wedding be a personal reflection of that couple, their beliefs, and their taste. I am determined from this point forward to exert my control over this wedding business. No longer will I be told what I will and will not do for my wedding… of course without becoming a Groomzilla. :-) This boat has no where near reached its harbor yet and im going to steer back in our direction… our way.
This is absolutely insane, but it sounds like you handled it impeccably. Good for you for standing up for the plans you guys have already decided on – so many people try to compromise and it really does end up turning into a wedding that isn’t theirs! Awesome job.
You poor thing! I had to juggle my family who lives overseas and my fiances divorced parents. After 18 months of planning and my fiance and I getting laid off…we were tired of planning, replanning, rebudgeting and rethinking our wedding plans. We took off and eloped. We had a sweet courthouse wedding and invited just siblings. It turned out to be a perfect day. We hired a photographer, had champagne, cake, flowers and a dress for me, a fabulous dinner in a private dinning room, a suite at a boutique hotel. We took pictures under the pier where my now husband proposed to me. It was all an all around PERFECT day. No wedding day jitters. FUN FUN FUN. And telling our family while giggling over mimosas, wine and martinis, respectively, was even more fun. I had to call my parents who were overseas-they were ecstatic. We made the announcement to my husbands mother and family over a fantastic Italian dinner and wine. We were giggling uncontrollably while making the announcement-they were surprised, but happy. And then we had Mimosa brunch and announced our ‘wedding escapade’ to my husbands father and family. To be expected, they were a bit of shock, but happy in a few weeks. All in all, a story I can’t wait to tell our kids and grandkids. And we have awesome pictures to prove it!
Me again! Forgot to share the pics http://cakesandkissesblog.com/april-and-ryans-wedding-slideshow/
Hugs for you from a-far!!!
Yep. Been there done that! Funny thing is, my favorite couples are invariably those who take charge of the wedding and make it theirs. Sure, they find a way to accomodate So-and-So’s request… but it’s ultimately their wedding.
I think this is the hardest part about wedding planning. There is sooooo much unwanted input, expectations, and demands placed on the couple. We have been trying to toe the line between giving in when it seems to really matter to our family and isn’t a huge imposition on us and standing up for what we want. If it’s an extra that we wouldn’t have picked, but can be happy with, (like a florist instead of DIY centerpieces) we go with it. But, if it makes us feel like the wedding isn’t our own anymore, like starting with a fancy rehersal dinner, we hold our ground. But it’s tough to decide which battles to fight!
You go D! Only do what you want!