photo from basykes flickr photo stream
I have been thinking quite a bit about wedding traditions lately. What to keep? What to toss? Traditions can be scary territory when planning a gay wedding. However, it’s also rather freeing to already be tossing a major part of the script (in our case, a groom) and therefore being a little bit more able to carve things out on our own.
For me, each tradition falls into one of three categories. Of course, nothing is quite this simple- There are always some gray areas in between that need to be talked out as a couple. But, I think this breakdown is a good starting point:
Things we like and want to keep.
Things we don’t really have any strong feelings about either way, so let’s just do what’s cheapest.
Things that make us feel icky, and we are flat out not doing.
I started writing about all the different traditions floating around in my head and which category they fall into, and I realized that I was writing ten different posts! So, I’m going to focus on one tradition at a time.
How are you navigating all the things you just “have to have” at a wedding?? What are you keeping/tossing and how are you deciding?
Oh boy, this is something that’s definitely been on my mind. I know this might not be exactly what you’re talking about, but we recently put together our guest list, and it was probably a very different list than if we were a straight couple getting married. We both are not inviting a lot of extended family because of their views toward gay marriage. We’re also not inviting many family friends for the same reason. On one hand it feels weird to exclude people, but on the other hand we came up with a list of people who are all supportive and caring, and will help to create the joyous and loving atmosphere we want at our wedding.
As for other traditions… we’re still working it out (we’re a year and a half out from our wedding date!). It is kinda freeing knowing that if we break tradition, it won’t be a big deal.
We are getting rid of most things; entry annoucements, bouquet toss, first dance, garter toss, money dance (blech. We are still debating with who and how we are walking down the aisle (I think together is sweet) and if we will cut the cake.
My thesis in college was on gender roles perpetuated by wedding traditions. Needless to say, we threw out 99% of them :) Here’s a link to some pictures from my project, which ended up being installation art: http://www.flickr.com/photos/callender/sets/72157622516759544/
In our country, the bouquet toss is the most dreaded part of weddings (single ladies literally move out of the way when the bouquet is tossed, even though a lot them want to marry) so we’re scrapping that. No doves or butterflies (this tradition I find totally cruel to animals), no garter toss, no dancing unless everyone’s on the dance floor with us. No super long ceremony full of rituals (this country is notorious for 2-hour long wedding ceremonies). No customized vows…we’d like to keep our cheese to ourselves (because we get reaaaaally cheesy). We’re keeping the cake; we like cakes.
We are skipping bouquet and garter tosses as well!
We are keeping the cake, and we are adding a cake, because we like cake too. We are doing away with favors in lieu of a donation to the Human Rights Campaign. The rest is still sort of a foggy area. I am interested to read the rest of your posts!
For me, some of the tradition stuff that has seemed difficult to sort out feelings about have been things outside of the ceremony/reception itself… like having a “rehearsal” dinner when we aren’t rehearsing anything, whether or not to have seperate parties with our own friends (like “bachelorette-type parties)when we’ve already been married over a year, who/when/how to toast/speech, how to involve parents and “attendant” type people in activities surrounding the planning, doing “engagement” pictures when we aren’t engaged, registering, who pays for what, whether or not to exchange personal gifts with one another… I guess basically anything and everything that has to do with weddings, really. It’s funny how until you start planning, you don’t think about how much the “traditions” of weddings extend beyond just what happens on the day of to include how you plan and approach everything about making the wedding happen.
Mandy, that is a great point. Some things outside the actual wedding day are also out of our control. Like, to me, showers feel super gendered and traditional in a way that makes me squirm a little. But my mother keeps alluding to “just something small”. It’s sometimes hard to find a balance and still express our gratitude for all the support and excitement from family. The actual wedding day feels a bit easier to manage. I have no problem putting my foot down on the bouquet toss! But, “We’ll just do whatever feels right to us!” is so much easier to say before the actual planning starts.
@Lara–your project is amazing! And, I’m now slightly horrified about the cutting of the cake…then again, we’re really looking forward to eating our cake so it’s got to be cut sometime, right?
Overall, Alex and I have pretty much taken the approach of ‘What do we want x, y, and z to mean to us?’ and ‘What do we want for US?’ For our Hag Night (http://www.soyoureengayged.com/bloggers/are-you-a-hen-or-a-stag-were-hags/) we didn’t see it as our ‘last night of freedom,’ but rather as a chance to celebrate with our friends before the big day–it’s hard keeping all that excitement locked in for so many months after all!
@Erica – Once we found out about that cake history we were like “uh, no” too – so we instead opted to do the Jamaican “kissing bird” tradition instead: http://www.flickr.com/photos/asofterimage/3877248887/
(Complete with a high-five after, of course!)
Ok, that so rocks!! AND I know Alex will love it too. Haha, YES! You just made my day, Lara!
[...] Jen’s post about wedding traditions got me thinking about how tricky this topic can be, especially for LGBT couples. We have been fighting very hard to be able to take part in the tradition of getting married. So, there are bound to be some ritual elements of weddings that we think are important. At the same time, so many wedding traditions can feel like stifling representations of “typical” gender roles and couple dynamics. I could never feel comfortable gathering my single, female friends and throwing a bouquet at them as if who gets married next is REALLY important. And, there is no way I would smear cake on Ginger’s face in front of an audience on our wedding day. So icky on so many levels. And that leaves us to pick apart these traditions, discarding some, embracing some, and adapting others to make them our own. [...]