It’s pretty safe to say that most people who look at my fiancee correctly assume she’s gay. Stacy’s got short hair (that she has cut by a real barber, in a real barbershop), speaks directly and succinctly, and plays hockey. I’m pretty sure the last time she was in a dress was for her first communion, and boy, you should see that picture. It was the 80′s, so even her socks were frilly, and Stacy looks like she’d rather claw her eyes out with a rusty fork than spend one more second in that tower of white ruffles.
I, on the other hand, usually notice a flicker of surprise when people I’ve just met catch on to my pronoun usage, which is often how I choose to out myself. I guess I come off as straight because I have long hair (even though it’s usually pulled back), own a fair amount of skirts and dresses (though I spend most days in jeans and a t-shirt), and enjoy earrings and makeup (if I get up early enough to care about things like that). I’ve had conversations with sweet little old ladies about wedding planning come to a screeching halt when they realize I’m marrying someone of the same sex. Apparently I just don’t look gay– which is fine, because… I’m not.
I’m bisexual, and in some ways it’s much more troublesome for me to put that label on myself than it is to talk about my upcoming same-sex wedding. I won’t bother to write much about the people I’ve encountered, both straight and gay, who believe that you’re one thing or the other, and to say you’re bi is a copout. Then there are some who think that because I’m a girl marrying a girl, I’m a de facto lesbian, and to a degree I can see where they’re coming from. Why bother with that ‘bi’ distinction if I’ll never have a romantic relationship with a man again? Does it even matter who I find attractive if I’m committing myself to one person?
The thing is that to me, it does matter.
First off, let’s be honest here– just because I’ll be married soon doesn’t mean that Stacy is the only human being I’ll ever find appealing. No, I won’t be yelling “How YOU doin’, baby?” at passersby on the street, but there’s sure to be somebody I look twice at. Stacy does it; we all do it. And I think it’s healthy to acknowledge it and laugh about it with your partner. For us, this often takes the form of a crush on a public figure. Stacy’s got a thing for Jennifer Beals; I think Matthew Fox’s last name is quite apt. Interestingly, as teenagers we both had a semi-risque poster hanging on the back of our bedroom door that our parents either didn’t notice or ignored. (Hers was Janet Jackson, mine was Rachel Weisz.) I find that the people who evoke that kind of “Ooh! Pretty!” reaction from me are equally split between males and females. Yep, even after years with the same woman, I’m still bi!
Yeah, passing and harmless attractions to movie stars aren’t the most substantive reason to insist that the fact of my bisexuality be respected, but the point is that to me, my sexual orientation is about who I am, regardless of who I’m with. I didn’t think of myself as straight during my past relationships with men, and I don’t think of myself as gay now that I’m making a woman my partner for life. I believe that if Stacy was a man, I’d still want to marry her; I fell in love with a person, not the M or F on a driver’s license. Isn’t that what the heart of what GLBT rights are all about– the freedom to be ourselves openly and honestly, to find whomever we damn well please attractive, to love whomever we damn well want to love?
amen, dear! as far as i’m concerned, if getting married means you’re not bi (because you’re only *with* this one person of whatever gender), then obviously no one in a long term relationship has a sexual orientation. or, as a friend once put it, “just because i’m dating stuart doesn’t make me stuart-sexual!” =)
Such a big topic for one post. Thanks for this!
@Lady Brett…LOVE your friend’s statement!
Thanks for this post! :-)
so well put! as we all know, sexuality and gender identity are very grey areas and just because you will be married doesn’t change that! thank you for being the voice for people like you!
Really awesome post! I also identify as bi and can totally identify with what you are saying.
P.S. I went by the park you are getting married at this weekend and thought of you two. So pretty!
Awesome post! Thank you for being so honest!
Thank you so much for this post. I’ve only been with my girlfriend and we are planning on getting hitched soon. I always wondered if identified as bi before i met her, am I still bi because I want to spend the rest of my life wth her and I’ve never been with a man?
I realize now that, I am who I am despite the fact I want to spend the rest of my life with the one person i have ever loved.
I have to admit, I was a little nervous about posting this, but I’m so glad I decided to go out on this particular limb. Thanks for the support and great comments, guys!
Wasabi– really?! You were here? What for? *So* cool that you got to see our site!
You know I would have never even thought about that perspective, it was really an interesting look at another side of things.
I have to admit bisexuality has always confused me, while I would never dane to tell someone else there were one thing or another (how the hell would I know anyways!). Ive always kind of wondered how that would affect long term relationships. Its kind of refreshing to hear that it doesnt! Which was always the obvious answer just one that hadnt been illuminated for me. Kudos to you for sticking to you guns!
I loved your point at the end about loving the person not the gender. Wonderfully put!
I enjoyed your post! My fiance is bi, so we could relate!
This describes me to a T. People have a hard time wrapping their heads around it. And I find some who literally HAVE TO put me in one category or another. It’s pretty silly, but they are the ones who are uncomfortable with it….not me.
oh my gosh!
thank you for posting this. i feel the same way that you do, and it’s hard because people really don’t get it. it’s frustrating.
but yay! thank you! :D
THANK YOU for saying this:
“Why bother with that ‘bi’ distinction if I’ll never have a romantic relationship with a man again? Does it even matter who I find attractive if I’m committing myself to one person?
The thing is that to me, it does matter.”
I am bi, and I married a man, which apparently takes away any right for me to say im part of the GLBT community. It makes me sick most of the time cuz i dont feel i fit anywhere, much of my glbt community dislikes me and straight people does not understand why i say im bi if i married a guy. The fact is that it does matter: TO ME.
I know now im not alone and this makes me feel better, less sleepless nights knowing its not that im a freak but it is a real controversy we have to live with: discrimination within the already discriminated minority.
THANKS you have made my day