Photo from The U.S National Archives’ flickr photo stream.
Writing about wedding traditions is turning out to be much more difficult than I anticipated. I thought dividing up the various topics and tackling them one by one would help, but it feels like everything is just so masterfully interconnected. The wedding script is so intricately written, and I think that’s what is so constricting.
So, cake….
(Wasabi has nicely covered the history behind the ceremonial cake cutting, so I’ll jump right to my own cake issues!)
At first, we weren’t going to have a wedding cake at all. It fell into the category of things that we don’t have particularly strong feelings on either way, so let’s just do whatever is cheapest. Dessert is important to any gathering, but I figured wedding cake would be an unnecessary expense when a simpler dessert would likely taste just as good, if not better.
As it turns out, having a wedding cake is very important to my mother. Since I’m not anti-wedding cake by any stretch, just in favor of saving money, I had no problem with her gifting us a traditional wedding cake (as long as it’s delicious, and I do trust her taste in cake).
So, we’re having a wedding cake. Everybody’s happy.
Fast forward to a later conversation at my parents’ house about hiring a DJ (another post entirely…) where I casually mention our preference to keep it simple and skip things like cutting the cake ceremoniously and feeding it to each other. Cue everyone talking at once about what makes a wedding and what people expect to see at a wedding and “think of the guests”. Oh won’t somebody please think of the guests! Apparently our guests won’t be entertained if we don’t stand up and feed each other cake in front of them.
I’m not really sure how other people feel about this stuff, but when I am a wedding guest, I always feel like I’m politely smiling through most of the ceremonial stuff at the reception and looking forward to the dancing and general partying. So for our wedding, I figured we’d go heavy on the dancing and general partying and cut the rest.
So what do you think? Will our guests turn on us if we skip the cake cutting/feeding? And I wonder if that’s really the question I should be asking, because I’m pretty sure the answer is no. I guess the real question is how much should I be letting others (our families) dictate how we approach our wedding. I don’t think the answer is not at all. But I don’t want to get caught up in approval seeking, and defending every little decision is getting exhausting. Cake is just the beginning. There is more emotional territory coming up, like the aisle walk and parent dances. Is anyone else struggling to find a balance with family involvement?
I recently attended a family wedding where the bride and groom did not participate in the cake ritual. Everyone still had fun and, in fact, we forgot that it was missing until we were about to leave. Chocolate covered strawberries can be quite the distraction :)
My partner and I have discussed cake. A friend (and chef) has offered us one, and we are planning on doing something with it at the ceremony. Not sure what, yet, but it’s not something either of us object to and it would be quite fun.
It can be such a challenge to walk the fine line between compromising to include what’s really important to your family and holding strong and saying No when appropriate. Obviously guests will have fun and feel like an integral part of your wedding day with or without a cake cutting. But that doesn’t make it any easier to navigate these difficult issues about compromising. I try to focus on why the tradition in question is important to my family and go from there.
Wasabi, now that you mention it, I didn’t actually ask why it is so important to them. I think I will. If they don’t have any reasons beyond “That’s what’s done at weddings!”, I think I’ll feel better about a firm No.
Most weddings I’ve been to, the ‘cake cutting’ serves as a transition for everyone to gather around the newlyweds and a chance for the couple to say their thank yous. Usually, it is also the ‘final’ tradition of the night, and post cake cutting is party time!
Deb and I are huge dessert fans and I’ve been watching Food Network Cake competitions since I was 10, so the cake was a non-issue for us. It will be pretty and delicious. We will not be shoving it each others’ mouths though. Blegh.
Omitting traditions is a tricky business isnt it. The best advice i can offer is if its not a tradition that is super important to you have omitted and your family really wants it, just go with it. The traditions can be fun too. Plus when it comes time to omit something that actually means alot to you and the family freaks out you can say “I GAVE YOU CAKE CUTTING GIVE ME THIS” but obviously not in an All-caps shout. lol
We tried to skip the bouquet toss, since it didn’t really matter to either of us. But then some of the bridesmaids and the photographer pounced on me, shoved a bouquet in my hands and announced that I would be tossing it. It was way easier to smile and throw the thing than to try to get out of it. So beware…someone might decide it’s time for the cake cutting and trick you into it, regardless of your plans.
Haha, Emily Kate, thanks for the heads up!
Which traditions matter to family members is a constant source of surprise for me as well- we’re lucky, though, as only one set of parents has any attachment to them at all. I also think that if they aren’t able to give a convincing argument, you can seal the deal by clearly articulating your reasons against it… You don’t want to get messy, maybe you’re wearing expensive makeup, the two of you aren’t into PDAs whether or not they involve food, etc. Surely your families and guests would rather give up the sight of cake-smashing instead of making the newly wedded couple actively uncomfortable?
i think cake feeding is important, because it is a physical representation to the words. you just promised to love, cherish, care for, and support your partner, and you start off that promise by feeding one another – sustinance in the form of cake. it’s such a (pardon the pun) sweet gesture…
I agree, I’m not a fan of the “traditional” wedding stuff like the cake cutting and throwing the bouquet. I feel like it takes away from my dancing and partying time. But, with that said, I remember hearing somewhere recently that, if you do choose not to cut the cake, be sure to tell any of your “older” guests that you will not be doing so. Apparently, the cutting of the cake is the traditional sign that it is not acceptable to leave the wedding and any older guests may end up staying to the bitter end waiting for the cake to be cut and the time when it is polite to leave.