So You're EnGAYged, a LGBT wedding blog

At San Francisco Pride 2010 Joey faces Intolerance with a smile

We last left off where I had just send my Aunt May a heartfelt email imploring her to attend my wedding, and telling her all the reasons why it was so important to me to have her there. After two days of long silence she returned my email…

I quickly read through the email looking forward to an uplifting turn in the words as she had grasped the importance of the event, and would in spite of her reservations choose to attend. But the turn never came, in fact the email quoted the same judgmental Bible verses all homophobes use. It told me all about how accepted I was, but all of the reasons I would never be accepted. It told me that God was pretty clear about homosexuality and that she felt she had to take all of the terms of the bible, not just some, to heart. We would always be welcome in her home and life, but just probably not in heaven (in fairness thats my spin on the words that were said).

I was told that this wasn’t about “Me”, that it wasn’t personal. I made choices she did not agree with, and did not have to. It was the same hard line unfeeling homophobic religious dreck that ignorant people all of the country spout off in the name of God. I felt sick. I felt hurt. I felt broken. I had given so much of myself in the letter I wrote and there was not an ounce of acknowledgment in the letter I received back. I should have been prepared for this, but instead I was completely blindsided.  But one word burned, deep down within me and grew like a cancer… CHOICE.

In retrospect I should have given it a day to settle before I responded but emotional, and heartbroken I responded quickly. My response was all about choices. How I had not chosen to be gay, how I would not choose for anyone else to live through the prejudices I endure. How hurtful it was that she chooses to ignore the parts of the bible that are anti-semitic, anti-woman, anti-race but embraces the sections were anti-gay. I spoke of how it was cowardly and narrow minded to hate someone for something that couldn’t control. How bravery came only from loving and accepting people. How I was unsure the wounds caused by her choosing not to attend my wedding would ever completely heal, but how I would choose to love, respect and accept her as she was anyways. But that I needed time to forgive her for the hurt caused.

Meanwhile my parents (especially my Father) who had been attached on the email both flew to my defense in a wash of tears, heated words and emotion. I should have told them to stop and let me fight the battle myself. But I was thankful that they were there fighting for me completely unasked. Like I said before, people just don’t know how much the support means to the LGBT community.

My Supportive Mom

I would like to tell you the next email got better, less hurtful things were said, more common ground and understanding emerged. But instead the next response was worse. Through  (what I hope was) a rather poorly chosen set of words, she compared gays to the mentally disabled and alcoholics. I was criticized for calling her narrow minded simply because she didn’t see things the way I did. That as a sinner, that only through god would we all be saved. She had prayed long and hard on this issue and sought out the viewpoint of respected people within her church The words took a sharp cruel edge but slapped an “I love you” sticker on it to make it all okay. This was not the Aunt May I knew, these weren’t words or phrases she would use. This was hate speech at its finest. Hateful, mean, and definitely misinformed. I know that these were things someone had told her, and she had taken to heart. I felt defeated.

The emails did progress forward past that with me seeking some sort of acknowledgment of the pain she was causing and the consequences it would have on our relationship. But I only got a cold response about how she would continue to support me in other areas and if I didn’t reciprocate that was my choice. I sent a last regrettably catty email back about how childish it was not to own any responsibility and how if she kept pursuing and trusting only the ideas of those within her church she could look forward to a long happy one-note existence. It was bitchy… I know. But I was broken at that point.

I carried the weight of her words on my shoulders for a full 24 hours, my eyes itched with tears. My chest felt heavy and hollow. Was this how the world saw us? Were her words true? Was I on a one track road to hell? Did god really not have room for me in his heart?

I received an email late that night from my Aunt Katrin, acknowledging how disappointing my day must have been and how hurt she knew I must feel. But it also spoke of how honored she was that she got to be there and how excited she was to see us at our upcoming wedding shower. Another was a facebook status from my brothers fiancée Nikki simply stating that she was sending me love. And I remembered how lucky I was that I had people who loved and supported me. That for every 1 “Aunt May” I had 70 “Aunt Katrin’s”.

Our straight friends Michelle and Erick show their support in the face of intolerance

The next day the Prop 8 verdict came and showed the wonderful news that it had been overturned. My Facebook feed was filled with messages of love and happiness. Joy that justice had prevailed, from both gays and straights. In fact there wasn’t a single hateful message on my feed that day. Just love and positive energy. It was easy to loose sight of how many people were on our side and wanted this for us.

I guess the best advice I can give is that when facing intolerance within the family, turn to the support wherever it comes from. Your partner, your family, your friends are there for moments like this. Because even when your own “Aunt May” cant see it, the fact is still true that love will always overpower hate.

Related Posts:

• Facing Intolerance Within The Family: Part ONE
• Family Boundaries and your Wedding
• Coming Out As Engaged Over the Holidays
• Outpouring of Love
• Interfaith Holidays