It’s a part of the everyday life of gays and lesbians that we face intolerance. This isn’t something that changes once you’re engaged. In fact, due to the the political climate we live in, its your upcoming wedding may bring out the absolute worst in some people. These challenges are easier to face when we are dealing coworkers and strangers, because we aren’t as emotionally invested in these people. However there are times when we are faced with intolerance within our families and its a completely different kind of hurt. We stumble and are forced to re-find our footing and deal with the idea that our built in support system is abandoning ship. If your reading this for advice, I’m afraid I have none to give, but only can share my account and hope it helps you face these issues on your own.
My Crazy Supportive Family. (From Left to Right) My Mom, Joey, Me, My Brother Justin, His fiancée Nikki and my Dad
For me, I have been gifted a truly amazing and supportive family. I count myself as one of the lucky ones. Both my mother and father have welcomed Joey into their family as a third son, and my Brother and his fiancée have never been anything but warm and accepting. The unfortunate side aspect of this is that when intolerance did surface in my extended family I was caught unprepared. For the sake of discretion we’re going to call the relative in question “Aunt May”. Here is a little background on my “Aunt May”…
My entire life my Aunt May has been a kind and supportive presence. May was always the first one to play with me as a child and the first to make sure I didn’t feel neglected in the sea of the Noel family. Ive always felt close to May because of this, this is not to say my other Aunts & Uncles aren’t loving supportive people who’ve made a huge impact on me, but I always knew I could count on May to understand. About 10 years ago May took up a life devoted to Christianity. But she was still the same loving kind person I had always known. And when I came out and introduced Joey to my family, May seemed very accepting and was very warm in welcoming him to the family. Though in the past few years the Christianity aspect has moved further and further to the forefront of May’s personality, so much so that at times it seems that its her primary personality trait. I knew that our upcoming nuptials would pose a conflict of interest for her, but given our history her presence was very important to me.
For me I see 3 groups of people in the Gay/Religious Debate:
- People who believe there is nothing wrong with gays and lesbians, God loves us all
- People who preach that the bible says homosexuality is an abomination and is therefore right. God loves only Some.
- People who are able to reconcile their beliefs in the “truth” of the bible with the fact the God loves all. “The Go-Betweeners”
I had hoped my Aunt May would fall into the category I call “The Go-Betweeners”….
About a year ago I told my Dad how important it was to me that his sister attend, and that hopefully we would be able to convince her to attend with admitted reservations. He assured me he we would talk with her, and he did, and so did my mother. And she and her spouse confessed there reservations and while they would not commit to coming they said they probably would.
About a month ago, after a particularly nasty battle with a neighbor who had been shouting slurs at us and egging our home (all resolved now, don’t worry) my mother sent out a mass email to all of her friends and family about how angry this behavior made her. How upset she was with this kind of behavior and how it would not be tolerated at our wedding, and if anyone had something to say they should say it now. Oh yeah, it was an AWESOME Mamma Bear moment. Most of the responses were positive, but there was one very polite response from Aunt May.
Mamma Bear and Her Third Son Joey
Aunt May was having trouble reconciling her faith with our marriage, and was considering just attending the reception. My parents didn’t initially want to tell me this, mostly to spare me any hurt, but also in case her mind would change. But eventually my Dad told me, and my heart ached. I realized I had never personally contacted her and told her why it was so important to me that she attend. I announced I would write her a letter.
I spent two days crafting the email keeping a respect for her faith and confessing the importance of support in the LGBT community. How support keeps people off the street, off drugs, and away from suicide. I spoke of how faith was important to me, how god loved all his people, and how this wedding was part of his plan. I spoke about how I had always felt especially close with her as a child. I confessed how I had gay feelings since I was 7, and had tried to suppress them because I thought that was what god wanted. I admitted how this had made me feel suicidal, and I even mentioned how I felt god accepting hand had pulled me out of that. It was pure and from the heart, I poured myself onto the page, tears and all.
Her response came two days later… and it was brutal.
TO BE CONTINUED
My heart aches for you! I have also been struggling with intolerance in my family that has since increased immensely and my recent marriage to my partner of 7 years created a huge chasm in our family. I also don’t have much advice to give except to let you know that you are also not alone and you are doing the right thing. You should never be ashamed of who you are and unfortunately, those who are intolerant are the ones that have the issue and need to resolve it within themselves. Keep us updated!
I debated about whether or not I should write an article about what was happening. I didnt want to make any divides within my family worse but at the same time thought it would be helpful to others to know they arent alone, and helpful for myself to know I wasnt alone. So thank you for those kind words.
Part 2 should be posted within the next few days.
I’m struggling with this as well within my own family. I come from a very religious family and the most hurtful part is how I KNOW that God does not look upon me any less than He does them…I am not forsaken and His hand is at work in every part of my life…including my beautiful loving relationship with my same-sex partner! My only advice is to pray for them they way they feel they must pray for us. And while these instances of their brutal communications will continue to present themselves…know that you have a right to keep all of that at bay for the protection of YOUR family and while we grieve for the loss of any of those relationships…views like theirs have no room in our hearts…don’t internalize it. Shake it off and keep your head held high!
MANY MANY Blessings to you and Joey!!
I think it’s good for you to share your experiences. It allows us all to grow and adapt. You and Joey are strong and I’m glad you know you have a strong support base with your friends and family. We will always be here to support your decisions and tell you that we care. I am sorry that you were so deeply hurt, but I know you will find patience and love in the midst of that pain.. we are always here for you.
Bisous
Oh my, you’ve posted a cliffhanger! I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this at a time when you should be feeling nothing but bliss, Derek. Massive hugs and a short prayer that May will open her heart.
I’m so sorry. While most of my family is slowly coming around (and a few are genuinely happy for us), I’ve had a similar experience with one family member. I felt so close to him as a child and even as an adult. We spent lots of time together. I love him. But, we recently got a very hurtful eight page letter from him telling me exactly how he feels about our marriage. It’s so painful to be let down – especially by people you love so much.
I look forward to reading your second part, and I hope we all find happy endings.
Im sorry to hear :( i wish people would be more understanding of love and how it has no barriers.
Derek I read your story “Facing Intolerance Within The Family: Part ONE”. You write very well and with your talent in writing and at this point I would leave “Aunt May” “ in the dust”. Use your talent to write about a person or persons that MADE A DIFFERENCE IN LIFE and publish it. Just an opinion of someone who has been there, but not always done it.
Grandpa