Whew, my life has been a whirlwind of emotions since I last posted. I finally got to a point where I could no longer keep Dré under wraps with my parents and therefore came out to both of them and Em told her parents as well. Let me back up a little to the events that took place before the coming out.
My mom and Em’s mom both came to visit us in Virginia to assist Em in wedding dress shopping. To make a long story short, we found a dress but I’ll save that story for the next blog post. So the moms had a great time bonding with each other and everything went really well. Em’s mom left a couple of days before my mom left, which meant I had some quality with my mom alone.
It didn’t feel much like quality time though because I had this secret looming over my head and I couldn’t really focus on anything else. So, in true Dré fashion, I waited not only until the night before my mom left, but about 20 minutes before she was planning on going to bed to break the news. From the few times I came out to people in person, I learned to begin by letting her know that I wasn’t sick or dying but I had to tell her something very important and very personal. The actual words that I used are a blur to me now. As I dragged the story out, Em and my mom sat there silently watching me in agony. My mom was sitting on one couch and Em and I on the other. After I finally spit it out, my mom came over, embraced me and told me she loved me. She said she was sorry to know that I have been suffering for so long and although she doesn’t understand it, she still loves ME! I expect that it will be a long hard road for her but the start has been so much better than I could have ever hoped for. And telling her has already brought us so much closer.
Coming out to my father was almost too easy. I was feeling bad that my mom knew my secret and felt that I needed to let him on it as well. He thought something was wrong because I was calling him on a Saturday night, which I never really do. After a few minutes of meaningless chit chat, I told him essentially the same thing I had told everyone else. He stopped me before I could say too much more and said to me that he supports me no matter what I decide to do. He said not to worry about anything and we were cool. And that was about the end of that, short, sweet, and to the point. I have to admit that I had wished that he would have shown a little more interest and/or concern for me but more than anything I was just glad it was finally over!
The sense of relief I felt with having now told all of my immediate family was overwhelming to say the least. I felt like a million pounds were lifted off my shoulders and I felt amazing. Not only did I tell them all, they were all so much more supportive than I ever imagined they would be. To sum it up, I felt somewhat invincible. I felt like I could take on the world and no one could hurt me!
That was until we told Em’s parents of course. Em called them and told them both over the phone on Sunday, the day after I had spoken to my dad. I just knew in my mind that they were going to be supportive. I mean, my parents were supportive, how could hers not be? They are both very liberal people. They love me. It’s not their child that’s transitioning. And we’ll appear to be heterosexual in the eyes of others. What more could they ask for? Well, apparently they didn’t quite see it that way. Em had a very short conversation with them that ended in a lot tears and a lot of pain. Needless to say, Em has had a really difficult time with things. She is very close to her parents and they talk all the time. Her mom was actively helping us plan the wedding and now things are strained between them. I can’t help but feel somewhat responsible although I know that I can’t help what is happening.
The timing is definitely not good considering we have this wedding coming up in less than a year. This means that, since we have now decided to marry as Dré and Em, all the attendees will need to know as well. Our friends have been extremely supportive so that isn’t a problem. It’s the friends of the parents and other extended family that we’re worried about. We hate putting them in this position but in the long run, we’ve decided we need to be married as who we truly are.
I don’t know you personally but I’m proud of the courage you’re exuding! You have a right to be happy and be who you truly are. Sometimes that comes at the cost relationships and friendships and it absolutely blows! I lost several friends and family members, including my only sister, when I came out. But how could I have it any other way? We just can’t sacrifice ourselves!! And anyone who would love you would never ask you to be anything other than what you are. I’m sure Em’s parents will come around. They’re probably a little confused and need time for it to settle in. Maybe they would also benefit from speaking directly with you, face to face, so they can understand the pain you’ve endured and that this is not a decision you’ve come to lightly. God bless!!
Wow, Dre! I am do impressed by your courage and completely understand the weight being lifted. Keep breathing and talking with Em throughout whatever comes next. It’s you, her and your relationship that matter most right now.
“We hate putting them in this position but in the long run, we’ve decided we need to be married as who we truly are.”
Absolutely! Please remember this as you continue to plan your wedding. Eventually, they will come around. It may just take one step at a time. Thank you for sharing, Dre!!
Way to go, Dre! This is an amazing time in your life and you rock for being so true to yourself! I’m sure it’s an emotional time right now, especially with Em’s family, but focus on the happiness of your upcoming wedding and the relief that you are finally out. Thank you for being the voice for so many people in similar situations!
It gets better. No matter what part of whomever’s family is having trouble, it gets better. My wife’s family was also the most difficult, and it puts you in a difficult situation. All you can do is support her. Also, please make sure you are open and honest with your mom. It is going to get very difficult for her, and she’ll need your help and support. Best of luck, and keep being yourself!
i’m glad things went so well with your family – and i hope they pick up with hers. it sounds like the right thing for y’all though, so that’s certainly exciting, and bodes well for the wedding! =)
I’m soooo happy for you! You are really brave! Just remember that, for the parents, this is all new, and they need time to process it. My mom was awesome when I came out, but it took months before she was comfortable coming out as the mother of a lesbian to her friends and extended family. At the time, I had no patience for my mom calling Ginger my friend or playing the pronoun game. If I could do it again, I’d try to have more patience for the time it took our parents to get comfortable and treat our relationship the same way they would if we were straight.
Wow – thanks for sharing this. That’s fantastic that things went so well with your family!
I loved that you said “I felt somewhat invincible. I felt like I could take on the world and no one could hurt me!”: I know that there were some disappointments with Em’s family, but try to remember that initial feeling of awesome whenever things get tough – you have the love and support of Em and your family and your friends, and in time the understanding of others will follow.
Dre, so proud of you! Thanks for sharing with all of us. I’m sure things will get better with Em’s parents, just remember it is neither of your faults that things are hard, it is just more difficult for some people to come to terms with than others. they will adjust with time.
Hugs for you both!!
You are very brave. And lucky. I feel your overwhelming happiness and I hope it gets better and better and better every time. Congratulations! :D