A friend of mine just became recently engaged. Having just planned a wedding of my own, she asked me what it was like and more specifically what my biggest “stressers” were (She hoped that by speaking to me she might bypass many of them by being more aware). I told her the usual things like the accents and dresses for the bridesmaids, losing a member of your wedding party, finding a replacement officiant, the collection of RSVPs, the cake, etc. But I also thought of something else, something that didn’t really apply to her being a hetersosexual woman. Something that was always in the back of my mind stressing me out during the planning process: the feeling that I had to create something amazing and unique because my wedding was going to be the first gay wedding any of my friends and family have ever attended. Talk about pressure!
Everyone wants to create an amazing day that their friends and family will love – I know that! What I’m talking about is setting precident. Their view on gayness and homosexuality is centered around who I am in their eyes and my relationship to them. Obviously, so does my marriage. Cue some stress.
To top it off, I stressed over how to make it “fabulous” enough? It seems we gays have this standard to live up to. It’s like, since we are gay, our weddings are expected to be over the top and uber-beautiful and extremely sentimental and ultra-funny, and super-dooper unique. How could anybody succeed? Then think about this: Nowadays, with social networking sites like Facebook, everyone is viewing your wedding through photos and status updates. Friends of friends are seeing it, and so are their friends. People you do and don’t know are looking at you for a definition of a gay wedding, not knowing what to expect but waiting and ready to make some sort of judgement.
Someone planning a wedding might just start to feel a little bit of pressure from those who love him, pressure from those who are looking for answers from him and even pressure from those who hate him. I’d be lying if I didn’t say that at some point or another, it was as if I had the weight of all homosexuals on my shoulders thanks to this type of thinking.
So now you must be saying, ok Brian, thanks for that! You’ve officially freaked me out!
Well, my point of this blog was to let you know that I felt this pressure to define what a gay wedding was during my planning process BUT had I let it consume me, I never would have succeeded at creating something I was happy with.
I had begun by asking myself, “What makes it a gay wedding?” Then after consideration, I thought, “Look around you, we are defining what a gay marriage is every day.” In my opinion, any wedding is a gay affair! Period. Then I revised the question and asked myself, “What makes a wedding?” And the we came up with ours.
My advice: Don’t let this pressure consume you! Find out what is important to you and your partner and make it happen. Lead the pack. There are many colors of the rainbow – we do not have to conform to the same ideals as everyone else. And better yet, if you are creating the first gay wedding, the rest of them have nothing to compare it to.
A wedding is the marriage of two people who love each other and vow to spend the rest of their lives together, regardless of sexual orientation. Coming to this conclusion helped me to ease the pressure and allowed me to create my wedding which was by far the best event I had ever thrown, much less been to! Don’t get me wrong, I still gave my unmarried friends and family a run for their money! My wedding was truly amazing and it can never be recreated. But none of them can. All weddings are unique- like snowflakes. They are more than a ceremony script or bridesmaids dresses or invitations. They are more than favors or floral arrangements or songs for the first dance. They are the individuals and the attendants and your guests. They are energy.
So as you drown yourself in the details, as we all do, don’t let the weight of the gay world fall on your shoulders too. You have already begun to define what a gay wedding is by being you. It will happen naturally.
Bravo! I’m actually looking forward to planning and I hope I remain as stress-free as I am now. Thanks for the words of encouragement and that is the best way to look at planning any wedding. It is a labor of YOUR love not anyone else.
Very true- there is a certain expectation that a gay wedding is going to be something completely different than a heterosexual wedding- people expect a hoopla full of rainbows and fabulous-ness. And for lesbians, I think the bar is set way low- expectations are flannel, some cat decorations and PBR on tap…the question is, how do we get our friends and family to see that it’s about us, as a couple, outside of the stereotypes and social expectations?
OMG Brian…you nailed the anxiety I’ve been having.
I want an amazing shin-dig that everyone will be talking about for years! But on a modified budget lol And then there’s the anxiety that the few we must invite (like her mother) may have an inappropriate outburst. I have this terrible feeling that someone will get “offended” and do something radical. Which is why I’m not inviting my bible-thumping sister and many from my family are also excluded.
Absolutely Cynthia!! Absolutely!
@Erica – I think families will see that it’s about you, especially if that is the main focus – the betrothed, not sexual orientation. At first I wanted it to be uber political. I wanted people to come to my wedding and love it so much that they would go back home and fight against those stereotypes and rally for our right to get married. In the end, I realized that if my guests were willing to travel to another country to witness my big ole gay marriage that they supported me in that regard anyway! Also – I realized that a wedding is a wedding. The fact that two men or two women want to marry each other rather than a man and a woman doesn’t change the event. It’s a wedding! I guess people have their expectations, that’s true, but my belief is that if the wedding is personal (which all are) you will blow them all away. :)
@Tami – I am so sorry you are feeling this pressure too! Word of wisdom – You will have a wedding people will talk about for years – don’t you worry about that! Focus on creating a day that makes you the happiest person in the world. If you glow- they will glow because they just want to see you be happy.
If you are worried that people will be disrespectful at your wedding, don’t invite them. That’s what I did and I’m thankful to have made that choice. Worrying about outbursts is the LAST thing you need to worry about the day you get married. As for someone getting offended, I wouldn’t worry about that either. If guests that could easily be offended choose to attend your wedding they have probably considered the worst case scenario, I’m sure! They’ll be fine too. Those who think they will be offended probably won’t come And that’s ok too… it will make your day brighter and more stress-free. :)
Well put, Brian!!
brilliant!
I just recently started thinking/worrying about this. Every time I mention I’m getting married I hear how excited people are to go to a “Gay Wedding”. It makes me stop and think what exactly they are expecting from me? A rainbow cake? A Drag Queen officiant? A flower girl throwing glitter as I walk down the aisle to ‘Bad Romace’? I stopped letting it bother me, hopefully my guests won’t be too disappointed in my “Average Wedding”
They won’t be disappointed, Tom! I promise.
What Cynthia said!