Natalie Prizel wrote this post a year ago but we thought it was a great time to repost as the engagement season is coming up!
The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Especially when it comes to same-sex weddings. Even those who want to be supportive often come down with severe foot-in-mouth disease. Invited to your niece’s lesbian wedding shindig? Here are a few common things to avoid saying to save you from being labeled a latent homophobe (or just to avoid an awkward silence):
1. You’re getting married? Is that legal?
The legal niceties of same-sex marriage are often not so nice. When someone tells you they’re about the publicly declare their love and commitment to another person, the don’t want you or the State to piss on their parade. If you’re trying to educate yourself on the legal status of same-sex marriage, check out HRC’s website. If you are burning to know right at that moment, at least preface your question with a hearty “Congratulations”.
2. You’re wearing a suit. Does that mean you’re more like the guy?
Rule of thumb: when you assume you make an “a-s-s” out of “u” and “me”. Gender expression and identity varies widely in the LGBT community. If a woman chooses to wear a suit to her wedding, it may be because she identifies as butch or trans* or she hates dresses or she’s having a fat-thigh day/month/year. When you get to know a couple well, you may or may not come to some kind of understanding of how gender works in their relationship. Then again, the mysteries of gender play out in a myriad of ways in all relationships, LGBT and heterosexual.
*Note: if you are unsure of someone’s gender identity (i.e. whether a person identifies as male, female, transgender, genderqueer, or something else), I think it is most often better to ask “How do you identify in terms of gender?” or “What pronouns would you prefer I use?” than making an assumption. Some people will be surprised and maybe upset you asked, but a genuinely well-intentioned question, with the goal of treating a person the way he or she wants to be treated is never wrong.
3. Do the Jews/Christians/Muslims/Wiccans allow that?
My mother always taught me never to discuss religion or politics. Well, not really, but if my mother were just a little bit more proper she might have. Religion can be a beautiful thing in the lives of LGBT people, but it can also be a painful one. If you ask, “Are you having a religious ceremony of any kind?”, most people will explain the ways in which religion and sexuality are being incorporated/reconciled in their wedding. If they don’t, wait till the wedding to find out. And if you’re not invited, I guess you’ll never know.
4. That’s nice that you’re having a celebration, but it’s not a real wedding.
This is just mean. What makes a wedding real? A marriage license? A minister? A $75,000 floral budget? How about love, committment, and community.
5. Isn’t marriage just a heterosexist and patriarchal institution? Why would you buy into it?
This question most often comes from within the LGBT community. LGBT people like straight people choose to marry for a variety of reasons: religious, personal, social, societal, etc. Also, LGBT people, like straight people, choose NOT to marry for a similar variety of reasons. You might not embrace marriage in your personal life or as a worthwhile goal of LGBT activism. But when someone important to you tells you they are going to celebrate their love for another, again, the correct response is “Congratulations”. Everyone should have the right and capability to choose.
THANK YOU THANKYOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now if only the people who need to hear that would read this blog! You have NO idea how many time I’ve heard those in the last month!
I would actually update #2 to “Are you/Which one of you is wearing pants?” You’d be amazed at how many people ask my fiancee and I that, like by determining if one or both of us will be in suits, they will figure out who “the man” is and understand everything about how our relationship works
It just boggles my mind how insensitive and thoughtless can be.. The only things I’d say to a gay couple getting married are the things I’d say to ANY couple getting married.. Congratulations, I am so happy for you!
I cosign with Brandi!
OMG…this article is perfect! Thank you for re-posting it. I posted it on my blog and in my Facebook. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve encountered some of these very same responses Natalie points out here. I have made it a point that when I receive a “Congratulations, but I still think being gay is a sin” (or something along those lines) I respond by telling the individual that making statements like that only serves to make themselves feel better about extending any joy over our “gay marriage” and frankly they should keep it to themselves because that’s their issue, not ours. We’ve also received some strange facial extortions when they hear that Cheryll will wear a dress when we get married. Now I understand that she prefers shorts and a t-shirt most of the time but my fiancée is gorgeous and just as feminine as I am…why shouldn’t she wear a dress at HER wedding??? I know some straight women I would question silently to myself yet no one would dare to cringe at them wearing a dress at their wedding. The nerve of people! Thank you for posting this!!!
OMG. THANK YOU so much. ESPECIALLY for #1.