I came out to my parents when I was 19, a few days after Rose and I started our teenage romance. I felt as though I had disappointed them and was not living up to their expectations of me, and it’s taken me years to get over this feeling. They have only ever known me as a lesbian with Rose – and later it was revealed that they put the blame on her for “changing” me. At the time, I was extremely naive and still unsure of my own sexuality. I knew I felt complete when I was with Rose, but I was battling with my own conservative, Catholic beliefs. I think my parents assumed I was going through a phase, but eventually Rose and I grew into adults that were ready for a serious and committed relationship.
Bast from the past! Rose and I shortly after we first met and became fast friends
During the 7 years of our relationship, my parents made it clear that they didn’t want me bringing any “guests” to family gatherings or make any “special announcements.” So I not only felt as though what I was doing was possibly sinful, I also thought I should be ashamed and always hide it from everyone. I was treated like I had to choose between them or Rose. Of course, I now understand that being a lesbian is part of my self-identity and that if someone cannot accept or love that part of me, it is their problem and not mine. It took a very long time for me to come to the conclusion that I was doing nothing wrong and in fact, deserve the same respect as anyone else in a relationship. Just recently I have truly discovered my own sense of pride and have had that revealing moment where I am not afraid to shout from the rooftops “I AM GAY & DARN HAPPY ABOUT IT!”
I'm also sometimes a superhero
My parents moved to the South around the time that I came out and they were re-baptized into a Christian church. Over time, their faith seemed to become the main aspect of their identities. They feel very strongly against my relationship with Rose and either tell me why it is a sin or don’t mention her at all. Many of our conversations have involved some very hurtful, judgemental and preaching comments that have scarred me very deeply. In their minds, they separate the part of me that is a gay woman and ignore it, acting as if everything else is ok. However, I have found that I can no longer tolerate not being fully accepted and loved for who I am and the family that I have built. Needless to say, they did not attend our courthouse ceremony and things are very tense between us. I wrote them a personal letter as an invitation, but after they have told me how they cannot show any approval of my sinful lifestyle, I was not surprised when they declined. It definitely has taken a toll on me because we used to be a very tight-knit family. I always envisioned my mother helping me get ready on the morning of my wedding day and being walked down an aisle on my father’s arm. However, life has taught me that there are so many kinds of experiences in this world and I am so happy with the one that I have had. I have grown stronger and more sure of who I am and where I belong in this world. I don’t need tradition or a childhood vision to complete the amazing partnership that I have found.
Something that really has helped is that I have started surrounding myself with supportive, loving and positive people. The guilt has completely lifted and I have accepted myself as a lesbian. Now I expect the same from the rest of the world and I know that it’s ok. However, I am still hesitant when meeting new people and coming out to them. I used to out myself to new people by friending them on Facebook. That way, they could figure out for themselves who I was “in a relationship with.” As you can tell, I prefer the non-confrontational method. I’m not even exactly sure what I am afraid of. I think I was nervous that I wouldn’t be able to tell what their reaction was and might feel them judging me. Being a pretty awkwardly social person as it is, I avoid anything that may further the awkwardness of a moment.
But our recent nuptials have really brought my own insecurities into the forefront. After making such a huge commitment to Rose, it has forced me to be ready to be totally out as a person. It’s much harder to avoid questions when I am wearing a wedding ring and living with my soulmate. It’s a new concept for me to casually toss out the words “wife” or “partner” in everyday conversation with strangers but I like how it feels! A friend at my office also had a big hand in helping me to come out to everyone at work. I’ll share that full story in a later blog.
It’s interesting how weddings seem to make you start thinking about family again. They bring out all the love and support in full force but also become a reminder of the problems that were hiding beneath the surface. The rest of my extended family has been very forward about their acceptance of Rose as a member of the family. They have shown so much love and tolerance towards me and my lifestyle. It makes me wish I had come out to them years ago! However, it has also created a chasm in the family because it is obvious my parents disapprove, and everyone else seems to disagree with their stance. It’s refreshing to know I am no longer alone and battling the world, but that emptiness will always be inside of me. Do I want my parents to participate actively in my life and my wedding? Of course. But that’s not the card I was dealt and instead I have learned so much about my self and my own strength, as well as my dedication and love for Rose. I have discovered family in so many places. Rose’s relatives have taken me on as one of them. Her mother is a very traditional Catholic woman, but still makes sure I know that I am another one of her daughters. Her siblings all introduce me as their sister and treat me like one of them, teasing and all!
Spending Easter with Rose's family
That’s why our wedding celebration is so important to us. It’s a chance to have everyone that has loved and accepted us as a couple in one room. I just wish there was way I could really express to them how much it really means.
I LOVE how you write about how getting married is changing your perspective on outness, how you come out, etc. I definitely want to hear the story about your friend at work helping you come out at the office! :D
This post brought me close to tears, in a good way! Thank you for sharing your story about your family and the realizations you have made. It’s funny how everyone that I know that is gay and out has a realization that it’s o.k. to be who you are and I also totally agree with you that it is awesome to say wife or partner to people without thinking twice about it!
Nicole, your story is almost exactly my story, to a T. Just this morning I was sending out our save the date cards to my parents and extended relatives and holding my breath in hopes that it doesn’t ignite a huge blowup. Thank you for both being honest about how painful this situation can be and also being so positive about how you have grown through it!
I love this blog. I identify with so many of the feelings in it. Whilst I cant fully understand how it must feel to have your parents disapprove, I can relate to the feeling of a family member’s disapproval. And also how wonderful the support of other family can feel in the face of those challenges.
I also can whole heartedly relate to the work place coming out story and I myself have done the “adding on facebook they’ll figure it out” tactic. High fives for social awkwardness!
It does feel great though when I talk about my fiancée and they ask who she is or where she works, and I say “well HIS name is Joey”, and 9 times out of 10 there face fills with warmth, just happy that ive opened up that info to them.
So many thing I myself have felt. Well done!
Thank you SO much for sharing this! I am going through the very same stuff. I’m out to my friends and family. I’ve had the same struggles with religion and have lost some family members because of who I am and their nonacceptance. I’ve come to terms with the fact that just because we’re related does not mean I have to concede and constantly argue to defend myself just because we share blood. I can choose who I will and will not have in my life.
Now I have to deal with coming out to those I work with as only a few here know. I am excited to be planning my wedding and want share these things should the topic come up. We have a big work event on 10/23 in which Cheryll and I will attend and I will introduce her as my fiancé. Wish me luck :-)
Thanks for sharing this, Nicole.
Thank you so much to everyone for your support and kind words! This is the exact reason I wanted to share my story… even if it is not quite a happy one. I know that many gay people can relate and that adversity is a constant challenge that we face, even from family. It is so touching to have all of this encouragement because it is definitely hard to put my story out there. It is much more complicated and sad than I probably could ever express, but also a story of triumph and self discovery. We cannot forget the struggles that many same-sex couples face when wanting to make a life commitment to one another.
So wonderfully well written and very similar to my wife’s family situation. Her parents chose not to attend our wedding (or even acknowledge it) but her sister was a real champion supporter and her brother in law walked her down the aisle. I think in the end it is her parents (and yours) who are missing out on so many amazing experiences in their children’s lives because of their beliefs/prejudice, and it’s just so sad for them. So glad you’re at a place where you’re happy, proud and out, and can totally relate to the constant coming out that a ring on the left hand prompts! Lots of love and luck to you both!
This is a beautiful story. It literally brought tears to my eyes. I wish I were half as brave as you are. :)