By Lara Swanson
You know how every family has their own little brand of crazy? Well I think this stuff just gets amplified by the pressures and expectations of weddings. I want to share with you the things that we had trouble hashing out with our families. I would have thought for sure that the guest list and the budget would be things to argue over. Or maybe what traditions we will and won’t follow. But, I was completely blindsided by the things that ended up being difficult to come to a decision on, with each set of parents weighing in.
So many SYE bloggers have stepped up and let us all in on their family issues related to their wedding, and I think it’s brave and really helpful, so I’m gonna take a stab at it. As you may remember, we decided to fund the large bulk of the wedding expenses by splitting the cost between the two families equally. Obviously, if you want to avoid some of the parent drama, you could just pay for the wedding yourselves. That way everyone doesn’t have a stake in each decision. But, unfortunately, that just wasn’t in the cards for us. So we had to compromise in a way that didn’t give up anything too vital to what Ginger and I want out of our wedding, while ensuring that we thought about what our parents and guests need to get out of the wedding too.
For example, our early plan to have a 50 person wedding at my parent’s house just didn’t include everyone in our community that wanted to be there and the guests our parents wanted to host. I think it’s vital to remember that a wedding is about and for a community, not just a bride, or even the couple. And that creates a tightrope to walk between advocating for what you really want and need as a couple, and respecting and including other important people’s requests. One one hand, you want to say, “This wedding is a reflection of us as a couple, and everybody else is gonna have to deal and come to the party.” But on the other hand, guests and family members get something important out of witnessing your wedding and celebrating with your community.
I was ademantly against a day after brunch because I thought (and still think) these extraneous events were how weddings got to be so expensive to host and cumbersome for guests to attend, particularly when the wedding is in a major city. But, when I looked at it through my inlaws eyes, I saw that this was a mini reunion of their family and they were happy to pay for something that allowed everyone one last time to gather and say their goodbye’s. Once I saw it that way it was hard to keep arguing. However, not every decision came as easily as deciding to extend the guest list (from 50 to about 100), change the original venue (from my parent’s house to an art museum), and add a brunch. Oddly enough, the tough stuff was in some pretty mundane details.
1) The Wedding Date- Ginger and I orginally planned to get married on our six year anniversary, which just happened to be a Saturday night in early March. Our parents were uncomfortable with the idea of it snowing (to a couple of ski bums this would have been total magic, but oh well) and the more likely chance that it would rain and/or just be really cold. So, we changed the date to April, but we were told April was too rainy. Finally, we agreed on late May. By this time, our Saturday evening, Jewish wedding ceremony would have to be at eight thirty to be after sundown. So, we flipped the whole wedding schedule. We are starting with a cocktail hour, followed by the Ketubah/document signing and dinner. Then, we will gather in the garden for the ceremony, and go back into the barn for toasts, dessert and dancing. I’m happy with the result, but I never imagined the date part could get so complicated.
2) The Welcome Dinner Venue- For whatever reason, this decision has become the only one we can’t come to an agreement on. Ginger’s parents tried to convince us to have a very fancy dinner at a particular place, instead of the casual dinner we were planning on having. Ginger and I talked about it, and then Ginger set some boundaries on the issue with her parents. This strategy worked, and allowed some room for my parents to weigh in since they are hosting this event. Now my parents are waffling between places; everything is either too casual or too far away (what’s wrong with a casual family dinner, like picking crabs on a deck or trays of yummy Italian food? I don’t get it!). I’ve given up on suggesting ideas… Anyone else run into something where no one could make a decision? How did you get past it?
3) The Tough Stuff- We are really very lucky to have two supportive families. We don’t have a single guest that we have to worry about whether to invite or whether they will come to our queer wedding. And this is a huge blessing. However, I’m still having trouble with “when to invite a guest vs. when to conclude that the family member, U, shouldn’t be invited at all.” The problem with inviting U is that he is a consistently relapsing addict. My gut says don’t invite him unless things change drastically for a number of (loving) reasons. However, others in my family think that this is harsh, and want to invite U if he is sober when invites go out since he usually stays sober for 3-4 months at a time. Ginger supports whatever decision I make, and agrees with my take. I wish I had advice for others, but I really don’t know what to do myself…Anyone else in this situation or something similar?
Welcome dinner venue – are there things that you could do (DIY-wise) for a more casual venue that would make your parents feel that it’s more customized/upscale? Like making personalized menu cards or seat assignments or some other kind of decoration? It may help them feel that the dinner is “special”, no matter where it ends up being :)
U – trust your gut, first and foremost. That being said, U is an adult, and it’s up to U to be sober at your wedding. As my mom always says, “only concern yourself with things that are in your control”, and U’s sobriety isn’t in your control. :) All you can do is invite (if you choose to do so) and the rest is up to U! :)
Both of your suggestions are really helpful! I think we just reached a solution on the Welcome Dinner- Tapas! It’s nice, but still has a casual feeling as everyone shares small plates. And, thank you for reminding me that I can’t control U. My head knows that, but my heart gets too concerned with U’s daughter to remember it.