How could I be worried with family as awesome as this?
Not going to lie: my biggest fear about the wedding is that someone is gonna show up with a shotgun at our wedding intending to wield it in an unwieldy way–all because we’re gay. The thought is so out there, I don’t even know how to describe it to you. It’s a fear based in newspaper headlines and jokes about my rural county but still, scary sh*t in the wee hours of the morning.
Mostly though, it’s not a family member in this fear that’s doing the gun pointing. Another truth: I’m not sure how some of my family members are or will be at the wedding. But when I’m not freaking myself out with hate-crime scenarios, I do occasionally make up the dialogue that may or not be going on in my extended family’s minds. Partly, it’s because I didn’t really come out to my family. Like, really. I just sent the–count’em up–83 of them a Save the Date via email last November with a clear distinction that I was marrying an Alexandra and not an Alexander, not matter that she went by Alex. With that in mind, what’s going on in their minds? Do they think it’s weird that I’ve married a woman? Are they trying to figure out which one of us is the groom? What will they think of Alex? Are they for or against gay marriage? How much does it matter and how much of it is family?
My cousin got married a few years ago and I hitched a ride to the wedding in Yosemite with my dad’s cousin and his family. We were talking about our large extended family, wondering what the heck some of them were thinking, like you do, when my dad’s cousin just looked out over the steering wheel and said, ‘But when it comes down to it, we’re family and you’re there for your family.’
That statement has pretty much been a saving grace for my sanity during the last few weeks in the build up to the California wedding. With the shindig in my home town this time, I’m feeling a bit more of the pressure and nerves of anticipation. A few RSVPs have come back with ‘No can do partner…’ and I can’t seem to help but ask ‘Is it because we’re a same-sex couple?’ Then I remember that no, the world does not revolve around me, and some people–friends or family–might actually have something else they need or want to do, or they might not be able to afford to come, or it’s too far for them physically. Or, they might be uncomfortable with the idea of our marriage, and whatever the answer is I’m OK with that.
What I learned from doing this the first time around in England is that sometimes the people you least expect to be accepting or appreciative or loving about our union are the most accepting or appreciative or loving. Case it point: Alex’s grandmother. Grannie turns 90 in December and when Alex’s mum announced we were engaged last year, her only comment, for a woman who doesn’t often make clear pronouncements, was that she didn’t agree with same-sex marriage. I was nervous (there was that fear again!) and Alex was adamant that Grannie was going to be there–it was her Grannie after all! On the day of the wedding, Grannie beamed from noon to midnight and wrote us this on her postcard/guest book to us:
Lovely day. Lovely view. Lovely place. Lovely Ceremony. Lovely crowd. Lovely time. With all my love and every good wish for your future. To the lovely couple.
We both got tears in our eyes when we read her postcard, so much was our expectation that her response would be the opposite, or almost worse, nothing at all.
I have no idea what the next few weeks in the wedding run-up and actual day will bring for Alex and I with our family and friends, but I will remember that FDR really knew what he was talking about: ‘There is nothing to fear but fear itself.’ I guess there’s another truth as well: You just never know what you’re family is gonna do until they do it, so you might not worry about it too much in advance.
I know exactly how you feel! I had exactly the same fears for our wedding. It’s weird when you have great supportive immediate family, and an extended family that SEEMS to not have any issues with it, but you still manage to get paranoid and think that every family member who isn’t coming just doesn’t care, or take it seriously, or support your marriage. It’s unfortunate that these are the types of conclusions we jump to because we’re so used to discrimination.
I’m so glad that it sounds like you have great family in your life, and YAY for Alex’s grannie! You two are going to have another beautiful day with people that love you.
I can totally relate to the story of Alex’s grannie! Ginger and I both worried and worried, and finally told our grandparents years after coming out. Ginger’s grandpa was only upset that he was last to know, and treats me like family. We all thought my Catholic grandmother would worry herself silly (she’s big on worrying about family) about me being queer. My mom told her, and I was amazed at the response. My grandmother said she had a friend when she was young that loved another girl, but got married to a man and was very unhappy. She was happy that I would have the chance to have my own happiness. All this to say, you never know…
I’m really glad someone else entertains the hate-crime fears! Seriously, even thinking those things (we got married outdoors and what if some hate-filled person who had discovered us from the internet just showed up and) made me feel a little egocentric, and then angry, and then silly. So yay for irrational (ish) thoughts and also boo for a sick reality of the potential dangers of being gay/open. And I LOVE that granny surprised you guys that way! My favorite aunty from childhood surprised us with so much love and support- we were bowled over. :)
Aww, I can definitely relate to worrying about someone causing a scene at your gay wedding! We were married in Connecticut earlier this year, in a park, and I was scared it would cause a scene. Everything went beautifully, though. You can check out the pictures here on my blog:
http://www.yourdailythomas.com/2010/05/dearly-beloved.html
Congratulations!