Budgeting is tough, no matter how much you have available to spend. So many expectations, so many ideas, and so many scary price tags. At least that’s how it’s felt to us. From the beginning we have been trying to keep the wedding simple, and started with a very modest budget. We immediately decided against engagement rings for various reasons. Instead we began saving for beautiful wedding bands and a Hawaiian honeymoon. We have already saved about half of our goal thanks to a long engagement. We are really lucky to have parents that are going above and beyond to help us out with the wedding. They have decided to split the wedding 50/50, and have left the grand total pretty much up to us. On one hand, we have love, support, and financial help coming equally from both sides, and feel very blessed to be in that situation. On the other hand, Ginger and I both have parents with a particular set of expectations for the wedding. A good portion of the budget is stuff that if we had it our way would have been slashed or done differently. We realized at the beginning that we couldn’t have a guest list that pleased everyone and a traditional caterer without doubling our initial modest budget. Left to our own devices, we totally would have looked at a BBQ, an ethnic restaurant, or maybe a taco truck. But, we went with a traditional caterer because that’s what our parents wanted. For centerpieces, we would have definitely DIY’ed something fun and non floral, or arranged the flowers ourselves. But, my mom didn’t like the idea of stressing over that, and it was important to her that we have a florist. With each compromise the budget gets bigger.
It can be a real challenge to navigate the high costs of weddings while trying to stay true to your sense of practicality and ethics. Especially when everyone paying is encouraging a splurge here or there. A couple of things have helped me get through it all and stay sane. First, I remind myself that the wedding isn’t just about or for us. It’s the melding of families, and ultimately it’s bigger than just us. When I think of it as a community event, it’s easier to say “Ok, it’s expensive, but half of it is being spent on feeding our community awesome food.” And, that’s something I can get behind. Another coping strategy has been reading the budget related posts at A Practical Wedding. Meg is great about reminding you that you can be practical at a number of price points, and that if you put your wedding dollars toward local, independent, gay friendly, and “green” businesses you can make a substantial budget fit with your personal ethics. There was a comment on one of those posts that totally spoke to me. The commenter said something like, “I went to this awesome wedding. It was at a cool art space with great organic food, and the whole party felt very down to earth. I later figured out that the wedding cost something like 30K, and was shocked. But, in the end, it didn’t feel like a big budget wedding and they paid what they could afford, so why be judgmental about the total amount.” That sounds kinda like our wedding, and I hope our guests will feel the same way.
Lastly, I have coped with the budget stress by finding lots of little ways to save money on the things that we have been given free reign of. We are saving on the open bar by using a venue that allows us to bring in our own alcohol purchased in bulk. Instead of ceremony musicians or a videographer, we are enlisting the help of talented friends. I did a very extensive internet search of venues, and found the least expensive, most convenient option that fit our aesthetic. We are making a lot of our own paper stuff from save the dates to escort cards. We aren’t having a bridal party, so we don’t need extra bouquets. And, one of the things I like about serving dinner family style is that the centerpieces have to stay small to allow room for pretty platters of food. Lastly we picked a simple look, modern black and white, which lends itself well to basic linens and decorations. And while I love the photo booth trend, once we thought it through we realized it was just an extra and nixed the idea. I’m sure that there will be more challenges, as their often are when the couple doesn’t take care of the whole budget themselves. Still, I feel good about the process. I’m glad we weren’t satisfied with just seeing how things add up without a particular budget in mind. We have a line item budget that we have gone over with a fine tooth comb, and we used real estimates from vendors to reach the total. I feel good knowing that I have something to track our progress against, so we don’t let the details pile up and the total spent completely overwhelm us. Anyone else having trouble navigating a budget when parental expectations are high?
The only thing that my mother chose were the favors, which are…not exactly what we would have chosen. But since she’s contributing and we don’t really have a strong feeling one way or the other, we agreed.
I like what you say about the wedding being bigger than just the two of you. When it comes to decisions, I do tell Dana that the only people’s opinions that matter are ours, but in reality, that’s not true. It’s two families and two sets of friends, co-workers, etc., coming together to celebrate the two of you. And it’s important to make it special for everyone.