Ah, Facebook. The sweetness of camaraderie and the agony of drama, all in one tidy little package. I resisted joining for a long time because I felt it would be little but a distraction and an annoyance (see also: Myspace). I forget what inspired me to join, but whoa nelly, have I ever taken a shine to it since I did. It’s been wonderful to reconnect with old friends and family members who don’t live nearby, and I love having one central place to share links, news, and discussions with almost everyone I talk to. I’ve even “met” a few new friends there. I think it’s fair to say that I’ve become a convert… and I’ll be happy when Stacy finally sees the light and gets an account. (AHEM. Hint hint.)
However, with all the information flying around there, you’re bound to occasionally learn something you wish you hadn’t about a friend or family member (and I’m not even referring to the health conditions that some people apparently feel are worth a status update). I recently learned that someone I’ve known since childhood is against gay marriage, and I’ve been really wrestling with how to address the subject ever since that dastardly little tidbit popped up in my News Feed.
Even though this person isn’t someone that I regularly see, and so I’m not exceedingly hurt by their position, I definitely believe on many levels that it’s my responsibility to say something. First of all, I consider being GLBT something to celebrate, and I believe we should always speak our truths. Secondly, I think that the only real way people who discriminate against us will ever change their minds is through personal contact, and as such I choose to be an ambassador for the GLBT community if the opportunity comes up. It gets harder to discriminate against an entire section of the population if that section is made up of faces and names, especially faces and names that are familiar and well-liked.
So, what to say to this person, and when, and how? I know that they’re much more likely to be receptive to my message if I keep it private, so I’m resisting the temptation to comment on the post that alerted me to their position, instead choosing to send an email or a private message. Since it’s been about four days, enough of my initial anger has evaporated that I think I can strike the appropriate tone: a gentle but direct statement that expresses both my disappointment and my hope for change.
We all have different opinions on how to deal with this particular issue, I’m sure, but I feel confident of one thing: all of us (and our lovely allies) never waver in describing our engagements and our marriages as the amazing, life-changing blessings that they are… and just knowing that’s the case helps renew my faith that the truth of the matter will come around one day.
I think it’s possible to leave a public comment with a “reaction” word such as “woah, big guy!” and then offline send a message directly to this person. My feelin on changing minds is that the offline message should really be a question that engages conversation which then allows for negotiating instead of “talking at” this comment. I hope you are able to change just one more mind! Peace!
Thanks for the thoughts! The person’s disapproval is based on religious beliefs, which makes negotiation a little harder, but I agree that conversation is always preferable when possible. It takes a mighty cool head and a strong heart to engage in dialogue about such a personally meaningful subject, but I’m so glad that there are people who are willing to try, nonetheless.
Good luck with whatever method you try. I am horrible at those kinds of conversations – so much of my life is spend trapped in the same circular arguments with family members that by the time it comes to other (non-related) adversaries, I have nothing left. I have so much respect for anyone with the patience and willpower to attempt those dialogues, though – I’m totally with you that the way minds change is through personal contact. Way to be an ambassador :)
I wouldn’t bother. I’d unfriend the person, possibly with a short note explaining why (“I don’t want people in my life who refuse to support my rights” or some such). I unfriended someone I knew from junior high because she knows I’m bisexual and still called someone a “faggot.” So, off she went. I have no remorse. I have no room or desire for people like that in my life.
Try reading this. It might help.
I think it doesn’t hurt to remind someone that this is not just an abstract issue — to put a face on it; a face he cares about. That said, I wouldn’t draw out the argument. Make your case and if he can’t support you, consider dropping him. Life’s too short to waste on people who don’t love you for who you are. :)