Throughout the wedding planning process I’ve gotten tons of support from my family and friends. Almost everyone I tell about the wedding is excited for me, and excited in exactly the same way as they would be if I were marrying a man—they ask about colors, flowers, location. They want to know what my dress looks like and if I need help decorating for the reception. All of this is very reassuring to me. Even the friends who are very religious or live in conservative parts of the country respond this way, and it reminds me to give people a chance and not to judge them (after all, who is the judgmental one if I’m prefacing their introduction by saying they’re religious?).
One exception to this has been my grandparents. The last time Lynn and I went to their house we got almost all the way through a very pleasant lunch before my grandmother put down her fork, looked at me and said, ‘why are you doing this? Why are you having this fake wedding?’ We explained our reasons and had a good conversation and in the end she and my grandfather said that they love me and will support me no matter what I do, and that if they’re still invited to the wedding (they are) they’ll be happy to attend despite their misgivings.
The other exception has been a friend of mine who considers herself to be a radical queer. She thinks that anyone who is worrying about gay marriage as a priority has too much privilege and that we should all be working to take down marriage as an institution. As the wedding gets closer I’m finding it more and more difficult to negotiate our friendship. I don’t look down on her for how she lives her life—although her choices are far less mainstream than the way my house/wife/dogs/dinner parties lifestyle I can see how they work and make her happy, so I’m happy for her. But it is difficult to feel like I’m swimming upstream against a tide of right-wing crazies who hate me on principle only to find that even other members of my own little demographic subset think I’m doing something wrong.
What makes me feel better about all of this is the belief that most people are in the middle. Most of my LGBT friends (whether they themselves are interested in getting married or not) are supportive of our desire to have a girlie fluffy wedding day. My straight friends treat me the same way I treated them when they got engaged. But the ones that give me the most hope are the ones who have nothing in particular to gain from supporting us—all of Lynn’s cousins who have welcomed me into their lives with open arms, the family friends who offer to style our hair or arrange flowers, and my friends’ parents who charmingly invite themselves to the wedding (this has happened twice now, and I’m happy to oblige. And thrilled that in addition to friends I’ve known since childhood my wedding will also be celebrated by many of the adults who supervised those late-night pillow fights and disastrous cooking adventures).
Which brings me to Maine. While I’m very sad that our rights have been put to a vote (think how well that would have gone down for any other minority at any point in history. Probably not so hot, huh?), I am amazed at the numbers. FORTY SEVEN PERCENT of Maine voters support us. And most of them are the people who have no real reason for that other than that they believe it is the right thing to do. Almost half of voters in a state that hasn’t performed any legal gay weddings think that gay people should be able to marry. Which makes me think that if more people had seen a gay wedding or a same-sex married couple, maybe the numbers would be even higher.
So we’ll have a gay wedding, and invite all of those friends’ parents who ask when to book their flights. My grandparents will get to see a lesbian wedding as heart-felt and valid as their own. My radical friend will have to expand her mind a little to make room for my family, as I make room for hers. And my hope is that all of this will lead all of our guests to vote for gay rights in the future, and for equality for everyone–gay, straight or otherwise.
You are so on the ball. The fact that the glass is 47% full is both frustrating and hopeful, but in the end neither of those thing really matter. The glass is as full as it is and it’s all of our responsibilities to fill it to the brim. I think you’re absolutely right that the best way to do that is to live our lives and our loves in the bright light of day so that everyone can see what all of this means to us. It’s disheartening that we have to fight so hard for our families to be accepted as families. But that is just the way it is. So the fight goes on.
Everyone I know supports our wedding, however I do have a straight friend who has been dating the same guy for 8 years, but won’t get married until everyone can. It makes me feel bad, she is waiting until I can get married in any state, but I will get married before her.