So, as promised, the next item on the wedding agenda has been the ceremony itself (next up: gift registry!). Mostly it hasn’t been too hard—we decided that we wanted to at least attempt to keep it fairly short and that one way to do that would be to cut the readings and songs out. So no choosing quotes, although I think we might throw a poem or two into the program if there’s space. Wording the prayers was a little tricky since there are lots of different religious backgrounds represented in our families, but it ended up fine (the ‘g’ word is ok, the ‘j’ word is not, apparently).
Then we hit our first of two problems:
#1: the vows. When we had our legal ceremony in Boston we said some pretty standard but meaningful vows to each other. And we meant them. So it seems a little disingenuous to stand up at this wedding and pretend that it’s all happening for the first time. So I’ve been trying to come up with a way to introduce that part of the ceremony in a way that honors our first wedding without distracting from the second. Here’s what I’ve got:
Officiant: Last year Emily Kate and Lynn had a small ceremony in Boston where they were joined in civil marriage, an important acknowledgement of their relationship which unfortunately could not be incorporated into this service today. In restating these vows to one another in this ceremony, they reaffirm their commitment to one another in the presence of the people who are most important to them.
Any thoughts? Is it too long? Does it make sense? Too much of a downer?
Problem #2 we’re still dealing with, which is how to keep a wedding from turning into a podium for political speeches about gay marriage. It’s tempting. It’s SO tempting. Especially because our wedding will be on the eve of Purim, a Jewish holiday celebrating Esther, who risked her life to out herself (as a Jew) and saved her people as a result of not being afraid or ashamed to be associated with people she could have pretended were no relation to her. How can we not talk about that, right?
Except that at my mother’s lovely lesbian wedding back in 2000, I remember hating the politics in the homily. There we all were, supporting my mom and her wife, ready to dance ourselves silly in their honor, and here was someone telling us to be more supportive. I’m still not sure if there’s a good way to add this in with a light touch, or if we should stick to a more standard “marriage is hard work but if you two work at it and put up with each others’ faults it’ll all turn out great” kind of sermon. Again, any comments on this would be amazing.
I think what you have for the officiant sounds really good. We are still in the planning stages for that part, but in order to avoid saying the same thing twice, we were thinking about going with the traditional, pre-written vows for our legal (first) ceremony and then writing our own for the one in Pittsburgh.
We too have varying religious backgrounds in our families and friends, but it’s almost entirely varying degrees of Christianity, from Catholic to Mormon to nondenominational Christian to…more Catholic. We’re going with the basic, normal Unitarian ceremony, but we’re using at least one biblical reading and may be incorporating some music that can also be found at a Catholic wedding.
I love what you have for the officiant. I think incorporating the politics there – that you’ve said these vows before, but unfortunately they don’t “count” for this ceremony, so you’ll be reaffirming them – is an important and appropriate way to acknowledge it without making people feel like you’re chastising them or beating them over the head preaching.
You could also have the officiant add another sentence drawing a parallel to Ester and Purim, praising your decision to acknowledge and sanctify your relationship and remain true to yourselves in the face of societal opposition. I think then it sounds like praise for you as a couple, not like pulpit preaching or politics.
Thanks for your thoughts!
Monica: we thought about that, but Lynn is insistent that we only have one set of vows, and I’m a little nervous about writing my own anyway. For the rest of the service I’ve been sneaking in bible passages here and there where I can. I figure people who know them will recognize them, and people who don’t won’t even know they’re there. In one part the minister will say something about marriage being about love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control. All good things for a married couple, but the punchline is that the rest of the verse is ‘against these things there is no law’ which I like. Some of my friends are very religious (and also very accepting and wonderful gay-rights supporters) so they’ll appreciate the inside joke there, I think.
Jenna Rose: I think you’re right. We probably will try to get a comment about Esther in, rather than a whole sermon. I just need to figure out where to put it.