How many forms, online services or comment boxes have you filled in so far under the guise of Bride/Groom? Or, really, less under the guise, and more under the inability to choose Bride/Bride or Groom/Groom? I’ve lost track already.
‘Brides Name: Alex, Grooms Name: Erica‘
I almost filled in another one today, but I stopped myself because I couldn’t keep from adding this comment in:
‘What would it be like if I didn’t pretend to be the groom?‘
Please forgive the fuzzy screen captures, but this is what it looks like for Alex and I when we try to sign up for some various services or inquires online (wedding registries; inquiry or comment forms). In sticking with our ceremonial gender flips, Alex is the ‘Bride’ and I am the ‘Groom.’ Her nickname, Alex (full name: Alexandra), would also make it easy for us to ‘pass’ as a straight couple, but that just seems to defeat the purpose.
This form was for the shop that will more than likely make the alterations on my wedding dress. I don’t know if they have knowingly served a same-sex couple before, but I do know I was the first same-sex engagement they had heard of (and this was BEFORE I had even proposed). And this is in London, in a country where Civil Partnerships are legal throughout England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland. Damn, people, c’mon.
Well, that’s my first reaction, anyway. To get angry, justified in my resentment, and feel personally done out by the straight, mass marketed wedding world. However, I want something more: a more connecting and joyful experience–I am getting married to the love of my life after all!
With that joy in my heart, I’m beginning to wonder what would happen I approached the the companies, businesses, people I want to interact with and asked them about, say, their gendered forms. Alex and I have a few different axes upon which we’re choosing our vendors: local, independent, eco-friendly, pro-gay. While it would be great if all four of those overlapped, the likelyhood is sometimes slim, especially when, in truth, same-sex weddings taking place en masse (and thus being a market to go for; which, thankfully, Kelly, Natalie, and Lara are supporting!) is still a new idea for many businesses out there–no matter how cool they might be in their local, independent or eco-friendly ways. What would a conversation look like about opening up their paperwork, forms, etc., to be gender inclusive (and maybe put the Groom first once in a while in the hetero world, too!)?
So far, I have approached the business owners I have found on my own, often by chance, about the fact that I am in a same-sex relationship and inquiring about their previous work with same-sex couples. In response, I have gotten nothing but support and acknowlegement.
I have also encouraged some of my favorite vendors to become official pro-gay vendors on SYE–a positive response as well–but have not been brave enough (?) to share with them them the SYE Wedding Vendor Guide: Working with Same-Sex Couples. All of these conversations have been on a one-on-one basis and have been generally been lovely.
And yet, I still get frustrated: reading a book, a blog, or article; contacting a vendor or viewing their products; searching for vendors and items/pieces we want to incorporate into our wedding, our celebration of our love.
What have you encountered in your own wedding planning? How are you dealing with technical issues like forms and applications?
Great post Erica! I really like the online tool, My Wedding Workbook, because of all the functionality, but it really bothers me that I have to enter one of us as the groom. Although so far, the venue, caterers, and bridal shops have been pretty friendly and unflinching about having two brides across the board. My hope is to encourage all of the vendors we end up using to submit a profile to SYE and buy the guide!
When I tried on dresses at David’s Bridal I had to fill out a similar form. I was totally tired of putting Nicole down as a groom so I scratched out the word groom above the name box and wrote Bride # 2. Somehow it REALLY made me feel good!