So You're EnGAYged

Quakers ‘to allow gay marriages’ (BBC News)

Ms.Grrrl Bio|Posts

The dress… it has arrived.And I could not be happier.

It was a looooong road to get here.  When we first got engaged, I shopped around the internet looking at photo after photo after photo of wedding dresses and by doing so, came to the conclusion that I really wanted a short one.

Then I took some of my co-workers with me to a bridal salon and didn’t realize that I would basically have to get naked in front of them.  It was awkward and I didn’t feel right in any of the dresses. Plus… there were none that rose above floor length.

Then my maid of honor took me to David’s Bridal (where she had gotten her dress) and I really didn’t feel right in any of their dresses — they made me feel chubby and the material was all itchy and I felt like I was in a wedding factory.  (She looked awesome in her dress from them — it just wasn’t for me).

Right after our failed David’s Bridal escapade, we decided to walk around SoHo and look in all the fancy shops for a fancy dress that I could wear as a wedding dress and we came across Morgane le Fay.  A shop that sold the most beautiful big, white, float-on-air dresses I had ever seen.  They were nothing like your ordinary wedding dress, they were unique and beautiful… and… of course… three times my budget.  I was ready to get one (but my cost conscious maid of honor talked me down).

And then, after scrolling through (literally) 90  pages of etsy.com wedding dresses, I came across Janay Andrews of Janay A. Handmade and I fell in love with her amazing wedding dress separates.  EVERYONE in my life thought I was CRAZY to order a custom dress without seeing the designers work in person and without getting measured at her shop.  And about two days ago, I was starting to agree with them. In fact, I had a not-so-minor breakdown in which I made Beau agree that we could fit it into the budget for me to go back to Morgane le Fay and buy a $3,000 dollar wedding dress last minute because I was SURE that my custom dress would be awful.

But… it arrived in the mail yesterday and Beau laced me up when she got home (there is no way I could wait until our wedding day to get her opinion), and we both agree… it is PERFECT.

I can’t believe how lucky I am… I have a custom, handmade, dupioni silk wedding dress with lace details that cost me $755, including shipping and I ADORE it.  I really do.

In speaking with Celia Milton, it becomes absolutely apparent that she deeply cares about her profession and her couples. She truly believes that “the whole process, from the first phone call (well, maybe even from the first time the couple looks at a potential officiant’s website) should feel exciting, lighthearted, and comfortable”. By the way, Celia, I would love to know more about this chocolate sharing! :)

Tell us a little bit about your business!

I am a civil celebrant based in New Jersey, and I have been performing weddings and comittment ceremonies for about five years. I try to make the planning as fun and meaningful as the ceremony itself, and I encourage my couples to think out of the box and create a day that is truly personal, significant, and joyous. Chocolate sharing? Ring bearer dog? Tribal drummers? Handfastings? Why not!

How did you get into doing what you do?

I started and ran an event planning /catering company for about 18 years (ouch, that hurts), so I’d always been interested in the milestones that mark our lives. I had graduated with my divinity degree from Union Seminary, in the City of New York, just about to register for another semester at Fordham, in a program for spiritual direction. The universe apparantly has a great sense of humor and spontenaiety, and instead, I was moved to to start training at Celebrant USA, in Montclair. Although I love celebrations and ritual, I never really thinking that I’d actually become a “real” officiant. Two weeks after I graduated, I was doing my first ceremony! Thank you universe!

What do you wear when you’re doing what you do?

Usually a cool black suit and some great funky jewelry. I can wear a black robe if a couple wants that look, but in any case, I really prefer to be basically invisible. I want the attention to be on the couple, not me.

How is your business “pro-gay”, or how have you changed your business to be gay-friendly?

One of the reasons I decided to “grow” this practice was because I was disturbed by the way many couples, both gay and traditional, were handled by mainline churches. I was also keenly aware that many couples without religious affiliations felt there was no where to turn for help in creating a significant and moving ceremony. A decision that is this important deserves an officiant’s total support and enthusiasm, not a grudging agreement to “make it legal”. To me, the right to marry is as much a personal civil rights issue as it is a loving committment.

What do you love about what you do?

What’s not to love! I meet the most interesting and diverse couples, I get to hear their love stories, and be part of a day that is like no other in their life. I could be officiating in a cow pasture one day, a prison the next, a museum the next, Yankee Stadium after that. It’s all just so much fun, in addition to being so heartfelt. My practice renews my faith in life and love every day.

If you have worked at/done work for a gay wedding, what is one thing you had to change your assumptions about?

I didn’t have to change my assumptions, about any of my couples. Each wedding proves to me that there are as many wedding styles as they are couples; from very traditional to completely NOT. It’s all up to the couple, I just want to help them create the ceremony that is right for them.

Do you have a favorite “moment” that happens while you’re doing your job?

Wow…so many moments, so little time… I love reading their questionnaires for the first time, getting to know them better and beginning to think about what to write…but I love that first kiss during the ceremony too. All that being said, my favorite moments are the ones we can’t plan; the unpredictable ring bearers and flower girls; the brides and grooms who smile through happy tears, the unruly dogs in the wedding party. A wedding isn’t a tableau, like “The Last Supper” ; it’s a fluid and spontaneous happening, and many times, the unexpected can be the unforgettable.

What should couples look for in an officiant or celebrant?

You should feel that your celebrant is a happy, supportive partner to collaborate with as you move towards your wedding day; someone who listens to your ideas, makes good suggestions, and acts as a resource for any questions you have. You should feel sure that your officiant wants to make your ceremony more than you could ever hope for, and has the skills, the energy and the compassion to follow that through.

Rave time!

“Our families and friends are all commenting on our unique and personal ceremony. Everyone is asking, “where did you find her?”. Finding Celia was a gift. We instantly felt comfortable with her and enjoyed the entire process of working with Celia to create a ceremony that reflected our personalities and included our varied family traditions. If you are looking to create a meaningful ceremony, you definitely want to contact Celia Milton.”

“Celia is amazing, she works magic. In the short amount of time she has to interact with you, she has the fabulous talent of really nailing down your personalities and writing a ceremony that reflects this. Everything based on the individuals, it is not a cookie cutter mold. Celia is full of many wonderful ideas & suggestions, and she knows how to deliver. Our wedding was perfect, and her words allowed us to shine.”

“Celia provided an extremely unique and personal ceremony for us. Everyone who attended our wedding was spellbound by our love story as she told it, tailoring our ceremony to who we are, why we were getting married and what we valued. It was one of a kind and started our wedding day off right. Not only did it bring all of our guests intimately into our wedding day, but it reminded everyone there of why they got married, or the love that they’re looking for.”

Ties are one of the only times a dude gets to show some personality in his attire, so having a killer tie is a must. Unless you go with a custom suit, the suit shops out there just don’t have a giant range of non-boring suits. Maybe a bright color? Or perhaps a bit of silkscreen goodness is in order to go even further. Not only can you have a tie that literally no one else has, you can really think of some great designs to add to your tie.

What about: your names, your wedding date in funky typography, your engagement picture, or just a design you love.

images via toybreaker

While this is something you could DIY yourself with a lot of trouble, spend the $30 and buy one over on etsy.

Last night, a newly engaged customer of mine and I were ooh’ing and aah’ing over each other’s rings. We were both glowing in excitement about our upcoming big days when she asked, “How long have you been engaged?”

Not a question I’d gotten yet, my answer was off the cuff, “Well, I am engaged to a woman. I proposed to her in April, but she proposed back last weekend. So, I guess 3 months or two weeks!”

(Yes, Alex got down on one knee on July 11th–and now I have a ring! Yeah!)

The best photo we could get--it was cold and windy! Design by Les Grimshaw

Since announcing our engagement to anyone who will listen, we have gotten loads of questions about weddings, ceremonies, rings and, most interestingly to me, proposing: Who proposed? How did you decide? Will you both have rings? That sort of thing.

For us, it was just something that came up in our conversations about marriage and felt as natural as two women getting married (i.e. totally natural): we both wanted to propose to each other; we both wanted to be proposed to; and we both wanted rings–but they didn’t have to match.

(Example: Alex’s ring, different designer)

Tied with a ribbon; Design by Beth Cyr

I love that Alex and I proposed to one another and got to do it in our own ways. I asked her parents and then proposed to her where, when and with the ring I wanted. She got to do the same. Now we both have rings we love, and most importantly, shared those moments together that we will never forget.

Of course, each couple has their own engagement story, but the lack of precedence and tradition with same-sex engagements makes it that much more fun to hear the stories! Alex’s sister’s now-civil-partner proposed with a vintage silver band; she then got an unexpected engagement ring (with sparkles) as a birthday present. Another friend casually proposed to his fiance in his office before asking for help with his broken printer; later, they had engagement rings made for themselves. In every moment, it was perfect for each of the couples.

This is why I get excited when people–family, friends or strangers–ask questions about my engagement and impending weddings. Yes, some of the questions can get tiring, but with each reply, I give a big grin: this is me and Alex–and we’re doing it this way because we can!

- erica

You all have been reading about all of the crafty goodness that Ms.Grrrl has been up to lately because her wedding is very very close! I’m lucky enough to be photographing their wedding in a matter of weeks. But I totally forgot to post about their amazing engagement session that was on 14th and U Street in downtown DC.

images courtesy of Kelly Prizel Photography

Now aren’t you glad I remembered to finally post these? And reading all the projects that Ms.Grrrl has going on is having me countdown the days till their wedding.

Lara Bio|Posts

Note: this was an article I wrote for my photography blog in 2007. It’s still relevant today, and I hope it gives an eye-opening perspective to our pro-gay wedding vendors!

Molly Bennett of MollyBennet.com has written an eye-opening article about the use of inclusive language in client documentation. As a businesswoman who has “alternative”, “nontraditional” and sometimes “offbeat” clients, I was very interested in what Molly was saying about the language she uses in her contract and photography shotlist. Molly works with a lot of same-sex couples and realized she needed to review the language she was using. In her blog post, she asks the following questions:

• If there’s no “bride” or “groom”, then do we still have “bridesmaids” or “groomsmen”?
• If a couple has two brides, and their attendants are a mix of men and women, what do we call them?
• If the couple is two women, are both “brides”? Are two men both “grooms”?
• Who gets their photo taken with the flowergirl? What about the ringbearer?
• If I want to use the same documents for ALL of my couples, how do I use language that isn’t gender-specific without either becoming confusing or alienating the heterosexual couples that I work with?

I instantly reviewed my own wedding photography documentation (contract and shot list, particularly) to see what kind of language I’ve been using. This is the list of formal photos I offer as a starting point to clients:

• Bride alone (full length)
• Bride with Maid of Honor
• Bride with bridesmaids
• Groom with bridesmaids
• Bride with parents
• Bride & Groom together
• Bride & Groom with parents
• Bride & Groom with families
• Bride & Groom with entire wedding party
• Bride & Groom with flower girl and ringbearer
• Groom with parents
• Groom with best man
• Groom with groomsmen
• Bride with groomsmen

And then include a space to list others (we then discuss this further). In the past, when working with same-sex clients, I have changed the “bride” and “groom” language to the couple’s actual names. But why not change my language to be more inclusive?

Molly Bennett’s Examples

In Molly’s Formal Photos Document, she has created checklists for the individual filling out the form. In this way, Molly can say “You with your mother” instead of “Bride and bride’s mother”. Similarly, she can say “Partner with mother”. Check out the below screenshot.

Molly’s contract also uses inclusive language. “I no longer have spaces for the ‘bride’ to write her name and the ‘groom’ to write his name,” says Molly in her post. “Instead, there’s spaces for the couple to write their names, give me their phone numbers, and tell me to whom the numbers belong.”

By allowing the couple to define themselves in whatever terms they feel comfortable, you can get the best way to approach using wedding-y language. I had one same-sex couple who called their union a “wedding”, although they were entering a domestic partnership. It was important to them to call it a wedding because of all that’s associated with weddings – the union, the celebration, and many of the typical wedding traditions. Opening the door to clients so that they can use whatever language they feel comfortable using will create a much more relaxed client relationship, and may open your eyes to new ways of viewing the same old wedding stuff.

Talking with Molly

I had the opportunity to interview Molly and ask her about the changes she made and how she views inclusiveness.

Q. Have you had any client responses to the language that you’d like to share?
A. The change is pretty new, so it’s hard to say! I’ll let you know as I move forward. My goal was to make language changes that were pretty simple and obvious, so that it would be pretty invisible to all of my clients, regardless of gender or orientation. The whole point for me was that I didn’t want that language in my documents to be what my clients were thinking about.

Q. Why do you think language is so important in client documentation and client relationships?
A. If you look at the huge debates going on in the US right now about gay marriage, some of it boils down to language. People argue that marriage is defined as “one man and one woman,” and that’s an argument about words… Words make a big difference in how we perceive other people and how we perceive ourselves. It’s not enough to say, “oh, by the way, ignore that part about the ‘groom’ on this paperwork, and just write your name in there.”… Aside from that, I think that as a professional it’s my responsibility to make my clients comfortable and help them feel great on this really important life event. I don’t want anything that I do or say to get in the way of their enjoyment of their engagement or planning, and I don’t want the language I use to alienate anyone.

Q. What are some other ways to be inclusive when working with clients?
A. I think the big thing is to try not to make assumptions about someone’s “role” in the wedding. A lesbian couple with a femme and a butch may both refer to themselves as brides, but yet might recoil at the idea of a “two brides” cake topper; two men may refer to themselves as grooms, but will get decked out in Vegas-style drag during the reception. (This actually happened at a wedding I photographed a few years ago.) Heck, even my heterosexual couples sometimes prefer to be called “partners” instead of “husband” or “wife.” I think the most important thing is to listen closely to your clients, respond accordingly, and be flexible! And remember, weddings are stressful enough without those of us who are professionals adding to it. :)

My two cents

Inclusive language is the first step towards refreshing client relationships. Remember, too, that inclusiveness is not just about gender and sexual orientation – one can express inclusiveness towards age, race, ability, and much more. Allowing your client to express who she or he is will open up a lot of potential for how you work with them and what opportunities lie ahead for you.